A Year Changes Everything

One year today, a baby girl was born.  We named her Ruby and were itching to get to the hospital and hold her and bring her home.  We had spent a couple of months getting to know her birthmom and getting used to the idea of having a girl around here.  Finally, a week before her due date, I decided to get her room ready.  I had hesitated because we had already had two adoptions fail in the previous year.  That was one of the hard things was packing up the room the previous two times.  But, this one looked good.  And what were the odds of us having another one go wrong?  So, I decorated it and sorted clothes and laughed at the idea of Blake dressing a girl.

Two days passed.  We waited and waited for someone to tell us we could go get her.  I started to get nervous, but still...the odds were with us.  This couldn't happen a third time.

We still have no idea what was really going on.  All we know is that on January 9th, we got The Call...again.  No baby girl.  Ruby would not be ours.  I don't remember much.  I remember calling the first person on my phone list...my poor Aunt Laurie who answered only to hear me sobbing and she couldn't do anything to help.  Jordan was sitting in his high chair watching me with a confused look on his face. At some point I went for a walk in the freezing rain that was coming down.  The Polks sent us pizza.  Blake's mom came over.  I really can barely remember anything except that feeling.  The feeling of being betrayed, afraid of the future, grieving over the loss, and despair over my inability to have biological children.  I desperately wished for that control that I wanted over my own life that other people seemed to have (Lies, I know!).

It was hard to see what God was doing.  What I didn't know is that I was already pregnant with a little boy.  I didn't see what was coming.

I didn't see Alison jumping up and down screaming "You're pregnant!" as I tried to process what that test was showing me.

I didn't see the joyous and completely shocked faces of our family and friends as we shared the news.

I didn't see the night of the baby dedication (before most of our church family knew the news) where we knew God had provided a baby but we still couldn't bring ourselves to walk in that sanctuary, knowing that there were three babies that we dreamed of raising to walk with the Lord who were in other homes.

I didn't see the nausea and the difficulties of the first trimester.

I didn't see the day where we found out our baby was a boy and we gave him the name Marcus. 

I didn't see the surprisingly difficult task of packing up all of the girl clothes in that closet, but then the joy of pulling out all of our boy stuff and getting it ready.

I didn't see the laughs we would get from people's comments about how hot it would be all summer and how miserable I would be (like I hadn't already thought of that!).

I didn't see the misery of the last couple of weeks when I was practically begging my doctor to get him out.

I didn't see the crazy day when Marcus decided to come, right in the middle of an OU game that Blake was attending.

I didn't see the sweet little baby that they gave me to hold.  Oh, he is sweet.

I didn't see the evenings with my boys where Marcus just watched his brother and giggled at all of the funny things he did.

I didn't see any of this coming.  And yet, God did.  God knew exactly what was coming.  He had a plan.  I never lost faith, but I definitely asked questions.  I still have some questions.  But I do know that God is good.  That he gave us the desire for another baby and He gave us a baby, in his unique timing.  He worked miracles and gifted us with this precious baby boy who I just adore.  I am a Mommy of two boys and I wouldn't change my life for anything.  Because I know that I have exactly what I need. 

Wasted Time

I can't sugar-coat it...it's been a hard few days.  Let me explain how we got to where we're at with me on the couch and Blake being Mr. Mom.

About a month after Marcus was born, I started to feel pain in my hip (or so I thought).  I thought it was a muscle issue, but every time I went for a walk, it would get worse.  I felt the pain begin to radiate down my leg and into my foot.  Nothing made it feel better, even rest.  Then came the tingling and the sensation of a lump on the bottom of my foot.  I figured that it was about time to seek professional advice!

My family doctor immediately suspected a disc issue and within two days, I had an x-ray and an MRI and went to visit a physical therapist.  While waiting for the test results, I went to several appointments with the therapist and nothing we did helped at all.  Finally the results were in...a very severe herniation of my L-5/S-1 disc.  I cried and the doctor was so compassionate and assured me that yes, I was too young for this nonsense.  Surgery was in my future.  The question was, what kind of surgery and could I be fixed?

We visited the neurosurgeon the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and loved him.  He was compassionate and reassuring.  We were excited to hear that my issue can be fixed with a procedure called a "microdiscectomy".  It's an out-patient surgery where he goes in and removes the part of the disc that is rubbing against my nerve.  It wasn't all good news.  My two lowest discs are degenerated, meaning that I've got to get it together and strengthen my core and get in better shape if I want to avoid future pain and surgery.

Sounds great, doc.  Fix me up and I'll get on it.  A pretty easy solution to my problem sounded like just want I needed.

Fast forward to Christmas Day.  I take my last ibuprofen and get ready for 5 days of increased pain as I prepared for surgery on December 31st.  We were ready.  Friends were planning on bringing us meals before and after.  Blake would be home in plenty of time for me to recover somewhat.  I started doing my pre-surgery soap every day in the shower.  Ready to go. 

The day before surgery, I was in a significant amount of pain but oh, so close to the finish line.  Then my phone rang.  It was a guy at the hospital calling to tell me how much our out of pocket would be.  OK.  Thought we had already figured that out, but fine.  "Your insurance has informed us that they are willing to cover $825.  So, that's going to be $22,000 that you will be responsible for.  You can either pay that in small amounts through our payment plan or you can bring $12,000 to the surgery and we'll just call it a day" (This is a summary).  Apparently this gentleman thought I was a Gaylord by the matter-of-fact way he told me this little nugget of information.  As I started sobbing, I managed to say "My husband will call you back."  Blake called back and said "Sorry, we're going to have to reschedule this surgery."

It was so perfect.  We had all the details worked out.  One more day of pain and then I was free to live my life again.  Nope.  Wrong.

So, we're in limbo.  I'm still avoiding the pain meds just in case they can squeeze me in early next week. (It's Friday afternoon and I'm still waiting).  The planner in me is stressing out because it was perfect...Blake was going to be home.  Meals would be provided.  Who is going to watch the kids?  How am I going to manage them until this? What if people who brought us meals don't want to do it again? Etc. Etc.

Then yesterday, I was putting Marcus in his swing and I felt it.  If you have back issues, you know what "it" feels like.  It's the immediate realization that something happened that you can'5 un-do and it's going to be a hard few days to two weeks coming up.  I spent all day yesterday on the couch.  It's not as bad as it's been before in the past, but it hurts and I can't do much with the kids.  I am beyond thankful that Blake is here.

So, what is God doing?  Well, I'm not completely sure, to be honest.  I've had my moments where I questioned what is going on.  It was too perfect.  I had a problem and it was going to be fixed.  Done.  Move on with my life.

But God has been pounding something into my heart the past couple of days.  Today is the day He made.  It's not what I thought it would be when I put my weekly calendar up on my fridge.  Today was healing day #2, not laying around day #2 waiting to find out if/when I can have surgery.  Today was supposed to be a day where I could go for a walk and experience life without the leg pain.  Instead, it's a day where I watch my husband work so hard to do the things around here that I'm supposed to be doing.  It's a day where Jordan climbs in my lap and says "Mommy, why are you sad?  Does your back hurt?"  Yes it does, sweet thing. 

But it's the day He made.  It's not a wasted day.  I have the kind of personality that measures the success of the day with of my to-do list.  Did I get the dishes done after every meal?  Excellent.  Did we go to the park? Great.  Did I make a dent in the laundry? Yep. Awesome.  Good, I did my job and brought glory to my Father.  On normal days, this might be the case but what is "normal" anyway?

I have examples in my head of women who are dear to me who used their "wasted time" to glorify God.  Kelsey wrote encouraging notes to me on days where she was suffering from cancer.  Ann prays for people while she is at home healing from cancer surgery.  I have something to do with today.  Just because I can't "do tasks" does not mean I am wasting the day.  I am responsible to glorify God with THIS DAY.  This day where I can barely walk.  This day when I have to ask my husband to put my baby in my lap so I can hold him.  This day when I won't make any progress on the house.  This day when I can't do tummy time with Marcus and when I can't take Jordan to the park. 

This is the day that the Lord has made.  Let me rejoice and be glad in it.  And not waste it bemoaning all of the things I can't do.  There is plenty for me to do right here on the couch while I wait to see what He will give me to do tomorrow. 

Trip to the Science Museum

The other day, Blake took a day off from work.  He had hurt his back a little and stayed home, but started feeling better, so he suggested a trip to the Science Museum.  It was so much fun!  I love going on a day/time when there are few people and this time we had the run of the place.

 

This is the only picture of Marcus because he slept the rest of the time!

 

They have a new little area when the kids can build a house.  This boy loved hauling bricks.

 

Painting! When he moved the roller, the lights changed.

 

Watching the trains.

 

Racing!

 

So tired!  And so much fun!

 

Lessons From My Toddler: Daily Provision

Two things you learn quickly if you spend any amount of time attempting to parent a toddler: 1. Depravity is real.  That sin nature is there to see in all it's glory!  2. The things that they do with their actions are often things that I do in my own heart.  Since I've been a Follower of Jesus for nearly two decades, I can easily forget that I am a sinner saved by grace.  I always know the proper way to behave and most of the time, accomplish that.  But my heart is what God wants to continually mold to be like him.  Then the actions that follow will truly glorify Him.

So, back to Jordan.  He has taught me so much about how to ask (or how now to ask!) for things.  He is a creature of habit, which is weird considering how much of a force of nature he is.  Here's our morning routine:

1. He calls out from me from his bed. (He hasn't figured out that he can just get up and I'm keeping that a secret). 

2. He continues to call out for me in a louder and more insistent way until I come and open the door.

3. He gets out of bed and turns of his "noise". (If I do it...wrong move).

4. He gathers a certain, undetermined number of animals and blankets that he carries or (not so) gently requests that I carry for him.

5. We walk down the hall to the living room and find a prepared glass of milk or water-juice (water with a squirt of crystal lite flavoring.)  The glass should be placed in a location where he can easily grab it on his way to the recliner.

6. He drinks his milk and we snuggle and watch the news until he is done and he is ready to get up.

7. I fix him a breakfast of oatmeal and some sort of fruit.

8. Our day begins.

If any of these is altered in any way, well, good luck.

I love our daily routine!  I'm going to miss the days when he wants to climb into my lap.  It's a little more complicated with another little person who needs me, but thankfully, Jordan has gotten used to Marcus being a part of our snuggle-fest if he needs to join us.

So, if you could, mentally draw an arrow from the space between #6 and #7. 

6.5 Jordan communicates with me by some means that he is hungry.  Over time this has become, "Mom, can I have some 'eatmeal'?"  Of course, let's do it!  That means I can drink my coffee once we complete all of the steps.  I am so down with giving him his "eatmeal", especially because I'm his Mom and I want him to eat.  I provide that for him every day.  He expects it and finds security in it.

So what is the point here?  Well, partially this is a good place to reference anyone who might be babysitting him to make sure that they get the routine right. 

But, I've been thinking about the idea of God giving me my "daily bread".  I've never once had to miss a meal.  Every morning there is something to eat for breakfast.  It's usually tasty breakfast food, but every once in a while it's leftovers or something odd.  But I always get my breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, etc.  I always have oxygen to breathe and a warm place to sleep.  I always have  His Word to go to so I can find wisdom or encouragement.

But how often do I ask for God's provision?  Do I just expect it to be there?  Or even worse, am I like Jordan who loses his cool if we are out of oatmeal and he has to eat something terrible like waffles?  If I don't get exactly what I want, do I throw a fit?

Well, I can pretty much guarantee that you won't come over and find me rolling on the floor and throwing things like Jordan does.  But if you looked in my heart, would you see my discontent with my minivan and the cd player that doesn't always work?  Sigh.  Yes.  You would also see my whining about how we don't have nice bedroom furniture and that our living room furniture is all hand-me-downs (some from 1984).  And you would probably see my complaints about being interrupted when I am busy doing something I enjoy to go change a diaper.  Yep.  It's pretty ugly.

When Jesus showed us how to pray in The Lord's Prayer, he taught us to ask for our "daily bread".  So, we're not supposed to just expect it.  We're supposed to ask for it.  When we get it, we're supposed to be thankful for what it is.  And we're actually supposed to go to the Lord and thank him for it.

I cannot tell you how much joy I get when we're snuggling in the chair and Jordan says "Mama, can I have some 'eatmeal', please?"  And then when I get it for him, he says "Thank you, Mama."  It's so simple and yet it makes me feel so appreciated.

How much more can I bring joy to my Heavenly Father by asking and thanking him for his gracious provision?  One of my favorite authors is Elisabeth Elliot and she talks about how we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Every second of every day.  Even the hard days or the days that we are lacking, we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Lord, help me to be thankful for your minute by minute provision.  I have everything I need and more.  I am blessed.

 

Just Do Something!

Since my friend Kelsey died of cancer in July, the Lord has been bringing to my mind so many things that I learned from her.  Sometime I will sit down and write them all down so I won't ever forget, but there is one specific thing He keeps laying on my heart that I wanted to write about now.

The way my friendship with Kelsey started just perfectly describes who Kelsey was.  After our time in North Africa, I had joined a small group of girls who met every Tuesday night for prayer.  At some point, Kelsey joined the group as well.  We would each spend about five to ten minutes updating the group on our lives and specific prayer requests.  Over time, we were able to go deep and bear one another's burdens through prayer.  These girls are some of my dearest friends, even today.

One night, I shared my desire to have a baby and our struggle with infertility.  I think it might have been one of Kelsey's first times to the group, but the very next day she called me and invited me to hang out with her.  She told me all about her struggles with infertility and a miscarriage before she was able to give birth to Alexa.  From that day on, she poured herself into our friendship.  She was constantly checking on me, writing me notes, sending me Scripture, recommending books and songs to listen to, and spending time with me.  It was a tough road to get to Jordan, but she was there every step of the way. 

All the while, Kelsey would talk about other friendships or people she was meeting with.  Other girls in the church would talk about how she had reached out to them when they had a miscarriage or were struggling with infertility.  I was constantly amazed and how she was able to maintain so many relationships and yet, when I was spending time with her, she treated me like the most important person in her life.

The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens.  She was so good at that.  She was there for me on some of the hardest days of my life.  What a gift!

So, you think I would have learned from her and been able to give back to her what she gave to me.  I confess that I did not learn as much as I should have in time to really pour into her.  I regret that I did not make myself as available to her in her great times of need.  I was unsure of how to be there for her.  I learned so much about prayer and really did commit myself to bearing her burdens through prayer, but it wasn't until a few months before she passed away that I realized how much more she needed from me.  She needed people to be there for her.

Here are some qualifications the Holy Spirit did not add on to the command to "Bear one another's burdens".  Some of these I struggled with more than others.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have been through what the person is going through.

Not many people know what it feels like to be told that there is nothing more than can be done to save them from cancer.  I don't.  I also don't know what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage, or lose a child, or be the victim of abuse.  This does not excuse me from bearing someone's burdens.  But if I know of someone who is walking a road that I have experience in, my responsibility to walk with them is even greater!

Bear one another's burdens...if you know exactly what to say.

I don't.  Hardly ever.  When someone cries, I get uptight and awkward.  I don't know the perfect thing to say in every situation.  All Kelsey needed was someone to listen and to walk through those days with her.  This dawned on me one time during early May when I had gotten a gift for her that I knew she would like.  I was really trying to find ways to encourage her, but I was afraid of getting in the way.  I got it wrapped and ready and texted her to tell her I was headed her way to drop something off for her.  I said that I would leave it on the porch so I wouldn't be a bother.  She texted back and asked me to please come in.  We ended up chatting for thirty minutes and her sweet Momma even played with Jordan so I could talk to her.  It finally occurred to me that she didn't need me to give her gifts or write her the perfect card, she needed me to come sit with her and be her friend.

On another note, God has given us plenty of Scripture that we can share with one another.  I know on my dark days, the things that still stay with me are the verses that people gave me to meditate on.  God has equipped us with exactly what we need to say to one another...His Word.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have plenty of time.

Is there anything more important than meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ?  If the world will tell we are God's children by our love for one another, then shouldn't we get busy doing this?  Send a gift card, swing by and drop off a frozen meal, offer to clean, offer to watch kids, bring by ice cream or cookies.  We are all busy but we should never be too busy that we can't do what God told us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have everything together and your life is perfect.

This was my biggest mistake.  I had a rough 2013 too.  It was hard.  Losing those babies to failed adoptions hurt.  But, this did not give me the right to focus on myself and leave the bearing of my friend's burdens to the friends who weren't going through hard times.  I need to take my eyes off of my own problems and look for how to help others.  Everybody has hard times.  If God tells me to do something and reminds me of someone who is hurting, it is sinful and selfish for me to wallow in my hard times.  Sure, there was grieving to be done and it's not a bad thing to receive help from others, but there is a time to weep and then a time to get busy doing what God has called us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you are a paid staff member of a church.

I don't think much needs to be said about that!

Bear one another's burdens...if you that is your spiritual gift.

I understand that we all have things we are good at, but that doesn't excuse us from doing all the things God commands us to do.  For example, just because I am not gifted at evangelism and it is hard for me does not mean I am excused from sharing the Gospel.  So, just because you are not creative in ways to serve or really good and talking to someone who is hurting does not excuse you from obeying what God has commanded.  He promises to show Himself strong in our weaknesses.  Let him use you!


I'm sure there are other excuses that I'm not thinking of.  These are just some that came to mind.  I am thankful that I realized the best way to meet Kelsey's needs before it was too late.  I am thankful for the visits we did have, especially the ones near the end, when she was in the hospital.  I will always remember her beautiful face soaking in the hymns and songs we sang as a group around her bedside.  I gained more from those experiences than I gave.  I got to experience God's presence in ways I had never experienced Him because I was obedient and loved on my Sister in Christ.

Catching Up

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT'S BEEN FOUR MONTHS SINCE I UPDATED THIS BLOG!  OK, now I got that out of my system.  July 25th...so much has happened since then.  Lots of major life events.  When I explain, you'll understand why it's been hard to find time to catch up.  I have some things I've wanted to write about to get off my chest, but figured I'd better catch up on life first.

Cancer

I hate it.  I hate it.  It took my dear friend Kelsey on July 5th, and although she's been with Jesus since then, her husband, daughter, parents, sister, and all of her friends and family are left here trying to figure out life without her.  I have watched her family grieve and it has been an encouragement that God has been honored through their worst days.  On a personal note, I miss that girl.  She was a precious friend and one of the blog posts I want to write is about all of the many things that she taught me.

So, just when life was slowing down from that, my mom and dad made an emergency trip back to the States to treat what we found out was thyroid cancer.  I was thrilled to see them, but in shock and devastated at another cancer diagnosis, especially close to home in my own Dad.  Praise God that if you're going to have thyroid cancer, this is the kind to have.  On August 15th (8 years after I had my skin cancer removed...to the day!), all of the cancer was removed by surgery. 

Soon after that, another dear lady at our church was diagnosed (again) with esophageal cancer.  Crazy stuff, but her husband battled it and won ten years before and now she was going into her second round against this nasty, deadly cancer.  I'm happy to report that she had a successful surgery and is learning a new way of life, but she is alive and back to tirelessly encouraging other people!

There are others in our church that have battled it recently.  Ugh.  Cancer makes me so mad!

Marcus

This is written in chronological order, not in order of quality of blessing or even importance.  See, even cancer can be used by God to bring great blessing.  In this case, He went above and beyond to bless our family.  Let me explain...

Surgery on August 15th and then Mom & Dad came up to stay here in Norman for the remainder of their sixty day leave of absence!  By the time they got up here, I was ready to have this baby.  I still cannot believe that they got to be here for Marcus' birth and then the first five weeks of his life.  What?!?  So cool how everything worked out just perfectly.

On Tuesday, August 26th, I went in for my 37 week appointment and they gave me the heads up that things were starting to progress.  (I was hoping that this would be the case because I was miserable and the sooner Marcus could come, the more time Mom & Dad would have with him).  I could have kissed Jennifer (the NP) and I danced my way out as much as I could with a giant, pregnant belly.

Sure enough, that night I started having contractions.  I was up all night, timing and when they were five minutes apart, we went in.  Big bummer...they weren't strong enough.  So I was sent home with strict instructions to come back when they were three minutes apart.  All day I had contractions every five minutes.  We went to the mall and walked.  I went to church, hoping that things would progress.  Got home from church, and Dad walked around the block with me (well, I waddled), and sure enough...the contractions stopped.  Big, big bummer!

Thursday and Friday were the days that I did all of the things I was "too pregnant" to do just weeks earlier.  I was picking things off the ground.  I trimmed the hedge in the front yard.  I walked for miles, powering through the swollen ankles.  Nothing.

Saturday morning (August 30th), I got up and decided "Hey, it's the first OU game day.  I'm just going to enjoy it and Marcus can come another day."  You see where this is going.  So we relaxed.  We went to Ozzie's and ate a big breakfast.  I sat around and watched football all day.  Blake and Dad had tickets to the game so I drove them to the stadium. (Funny story...they had tickets, we lost them, and they bought new ones).  I got home, put Jordan in the bath and...my water broke.  Five minutes into the first quarter of the game.  THANKFULLY, Blake answered the phone. "No, I'm not joking.  You need to come home, now."  So, they rushed back and we went to the hospital.  Crazy, crazy Marcus...you just had to make an entrance!

Did I mention it was a blessing to have Mom & Dad here?  Dad was already here with Jordan and knew exactly how to take care of him.  I had ZERO worries about him and was able to focus on Marcus.

Marcus was born at 5:30 am on August 31st, about three weeks early.  And what a sweet, sweet blessing he is to our family.  He is an easy baby.  He is so sweet and snuggly.  And we are so thankful for his life.  He is almost three months old now and I've only cried one time about him...compared to the many times I've cried about Jordan in that time! :)

Mom & Dad were here off and on for five weeks.  They were so much help with both boys.  I was able to adjust to two so that when they left, it was pretty easy to jump back into real life!

Back Pain

Before I got pregnant, I lost 20 pounds.  I was on a roll, so I was ready to get back into the exercise groove a few weeks after Marcus arrived.  I worked out a few times and it felt great.  Then, I started to have some pain in my rear (insert pun here) and nothing seemed to help it.  It progressed to the pain shooting down my leg.  Sometimes, it was so intense that I had to fight back nausea.  The pain started to creep into my foot and then my foot started tingling and I had the sensation of a lump on the bottom of my foot.  This is when I went to the doctor.

An MRI, X-ray, and physical therapy and then the report came that I had a severely herniated disc in my lumbar region.  Yesterday, I went to the neurosurgeon.  My biggest fear was that it could not be fixed and I would have to live with the pain forever.  My second biggest fear was major surgery.  Praise the Lord, Dr. Hux will be able to fix it with a minor outpatient surgery.  So, I am excited to get this done so I can start living my life again.  Constant pain is exhausting and sometimes depressing.  There may be future surgeries in my future, but I plan on getting back into shape and building up my core to be as preventative as possible.


So, this is where we are today!  About to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Enjoying our boys.  Learning so much about God's provision in difficult times.  Thankful for the hope we have in Christ.  Having opportunities to share that hope with others.  Could we ask for more?

 

The Unknown

^{Matthew 6:34}

 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

 Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When I would read this verse in my teen years/early twenties...back when the world seemed pretty rosy, I always pictured financial or physical provision.  So, if I ever found myself in a situation where I had no money or food, God would give me enough for the day and then I could trust him with tomorrow.  While this is true, and He has proven that he provides in amazing ways when we have financial difficulties, there is a new dimension to this verse that I had never considered.

No, I'm not claiming that I've received a new revelation!  It's just that the verse several verses earlier (vs. 27) says "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"  My question is, how do you do this when you have something that legitimately is something to worry about?  

In America, our hardest financial situations have meant that we had to borrow money from our parents to make a payment or to get our car fixed.  Not ideal, but this is by no means desperation.  Or, when I say I have "no groceries", what I mean is I have a ton of cans of tomatoes in the cabinet, a large bag of rice, milk in the fridge, ranch dressing...etc. etc.  I have food.  It's not just the food I want to eat right then.  I have been places in the world where the average person makes as much in a month as I spend on chapstick in a month.  Our financial woes are really not what I would put in the "I should worry" category.

Disclaimer: I still worry about them.  It's so easy for my lack of contentedness with what I have to transform itself into worry.  This is sin in my heart that I need to confess to the Lord.  My lack of faith is very much tied to my lack of gratitude, not necessarily to any great physical needs that I have.

So, the reason I was thinking about these verses is that there are things that we face that are tough and should cause anxiety.  For example, I was thinking about Baby Jake the other day.  He's fifteen months old now (crazy!).  I was thinking about how I still have two months (or less!) before I get to meet baby Marcus.  If you had told me when I walked out of that hospital, leaving the baby boy we had fallen in love with behind, that it would be seventeen months before God would allow me to hold another baby who would be mine, I probably would have struggled a lot more with anger and depression.  Instead, I had hope that the desire to be a mom was a good one and from God and that He had a perfect plan.  His perfect plan included two more losses, a surprise pregnancy, some puking, and having to wait and wait and wait.  Not ideal, but when I look back at all of the grace he gave me during the tough days and the super exciting days, I recognize his provision was far greater than just a child.  It was a journey of faith and testing and endurance.  It has been daily lessons on being content with what I have and trusting God with the things that don't make sense.  Looking back, it is all worth it.  

Another example...my dear friend Kelsey.  Kelsey just passed away a few weeks ago.  She was 35 years old.  She is with Jesus, but she left behind a wonderful husband and a four year old daughter.  She left behind family and friends who dearly love her.  It's been tough for me and yet for many, many others, it has been unbelievably painful and the journey is just beginning for Chris and Alexa.  

Kelsey was diagnosed with epitheliod sarcoma in April of 2013.  Through the next year and three months, she kept a blog which gave those who read it great ways to pray for her health, but also an unbelievable glimpse into her faith in the Lord.  She was real and honest.  She did not enjoy the pain or the fear, but yet she never turned away from God.  She always went back to him.  

A few days after she died, I decided to look back at the beginning of her journey via her blog.  I was struck with what she posted as she was waiting to find out if the tumor in her arm was this extremely scary and deadly cancer, or if it was benign.  She talked about trying not to worry; that her mind would automatically go to the worst case scenarios.  Well, the worst happened.  What she tried not to fear the most happened.  

My first instinct when this thought struck me was to question the goodness of God.  But, He immediately took me to Matthew 6:34.  He is good.  The next fifteen months of Kelsey's life were spent in a journey.  Had she known what was coming, would she have been able to fight as hard?  Would she have enjoyed the precious time she had left with Chris and Alexa?  Would she have been able to find hope in Scripture?  She assured me many times that God somehow gave her exactly the grace she needed for that day.  And in an ultimate act of grace, God took her home.  He fulfilled the promise of eternal life that she clung to.  She is pain-free and worry-free.  She is experiencing joy that we cannot even comprehend.  And now He is giving Chris and Alexa the grace that they need for each day.  They don't know the future, but God is gracious to provide each day what they need and He will do that every day for each one of us.  It's a promise (read the rest of Matthew 6:25-34).  

Last weekend, I drove to DFW to visit with friends.  It was a girls' trip and so this meant a three hour road trip by myself.  I immediately knew what I wanted to do with my time.  Kelsey left a cd on my porch a couple of years ago when I was really suffering and going through a shocking and difficult time.  She called it "Songs of Hope and Praise".  It really ministered to me, but for some reason I never listened to it again until this past weekend.  I got it out for my trip.  The first track is a sermon about the goodness of God.  The preacher said "There are no good or bad days, just days of grace.  Some days it is the grace to endure and some days it is the grace to enjoy."  What a truth! and Kelsey experienced that grace to endure in abundance.  She ran her race victoriously, not because of anything within her, but because of the grace of God.

That is how we can face things that should make us worry and live in daily trust in God's perfect plan.  He gives us enough for each day.  His mercy is not to tell us our future, but to walk us through today with the knowledge that whatever it is that He has planned is worth it.  

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.