Trip to the Science Museum

The other day, Blake took a day off from work.  He had hurt his back a little and stayed home, but started feeling better, so he suggested a trip to the Science Museum.  It was so much fun!  I love going on a day/time when there are few people and this time we had the run of the place.

 

This is the only picture of Marcus because he slept the rest of the time!

 

They have a new little area when the kids can build a house.  This boy loved hauling bricks.

 

Painting! When he moved the roller, the lights changed.

 

Watching the trains.

 

Racing!

 

So tired!  And so much fun!

 

Lessons From My Toddler: Daily Provision

Two things you learn quickly if you spend any amount of time attempting to parent a toddler: 1. Depravity is real.  That sin nature is there to see in all it's glory!  2. The things that they do with their actions are often things that I do in my own heart.  Since I've been a Follower of Jesus for nearly two decades, I can easily forget that I am a sinner saved by grace.  I always know the proper way to behave and most of the time, accomplish that.  But my heart is what God wants to continually mold to be like him.  Then the actions that follow will truly glorify Him.

So, back to Jordan.  He has taught me so much about how to ask (or how now to ask!) for things.  He is a creature of habit, which is weird considering how much of a force of nature he is.  Here's our morning routine:

1. He calls out from me from his bed. (He hasn't figured out that he can just get up and I'm keeping that a secret). 

2. He continues to call out for me in a louder and more insistent way until I come and open the door.

3. He gets out of bed and turns of his "noise". (If I do it...wrong move).

4. He gathers a certain, undetermined number of animals and blankets that he carries or (not so) gently requests that I carry for him.

5. We walk down the hall to the living room and find a prepared glass of milk or water-juice (water with a squirt of crystal lite flavoring.)  The glass should be placed in a location where he can easily grab it on his way to the recliner.

6. He drinks his milk and we snuggle and watch the news until he is done and he is ready to get up.

7. I fix him a breakfast of oatmeal and some sort of fruit.

8. Our day begins.

If any of these is altered in any way, well, good luck.

I love our daily routine!  I'm going to miss the days when he wants to climb into my lap.  It's a little more complicated with another little person who needs me, but thankfully, Jordan has gotten used to Marcus being a part of our snuggle-fest if he needs to join us.

So, if you could, mentally draw an arrow from the space between #6 and #7. 

6.5 Jordan communicates with me by some means that he is hungry.  Over time this has become, "Mom, can I have some 'eatmeal'?"  Of course, let's do it!  That means I can drink my coffee once we complete all of the steps.  I am so down with giving him his "eatmeal", especially because I'm his Mom and I want him to eat.  I provide that for him every day.  He expects it and finds security in it.

So what is the point here?  Well, partially this is a good place to reference anyone who might be babysitting him to make sure that they get the routine right. 

But, I've been thinking about the idea of God giving me my "daily bread".  I've never once had to miss a meal.  Every morning there is something to eat for breakfast.  It's usually tasty breakfast food, but every once in a while it's leftovers or something odd.  But I always get my breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, etc.  I always have oxygen to breathe and a warm place to sleep.  I always have  His Word to go to so I can find wisdom or encouragement.

But how often do I ask for God's provision?  Do I just expect it to be there?  Or even worse, am I like Jordan who loses his cool if we are out of oatmeal and he has to eat something terrible like waffles?  If I don't get exactly what I want, do I throw a fit?

Well, I can pretty much guarantee that you won't come over and find me rolling on the floor and throwing things like Jordan does.  But if you looked in my heart, would you see my discontent with my minivan and the cd player that doesn't always work?  Sigh.  Yes.  You would also see my whining about how we don't have nice bedroom furniture and that our living room furniture is all hand-me-downs (some from 1984).  And you would probably see my complaints about being interrupted when I am busy doing something I enjoy to go change a diaper.  Yep.  It's pretty ugly.

When Jesus showed us how to pray in The Lord's Prayer, he taught us to ask for our "daily bread".  So, we're not supposed to just expect it.  We're supposed to ask for it.  When we get it, we're supposed to be thankful for what it is.  And we're actually supposed to go to the Lord and thank him for it.

I cannot tell you how much joy I get when we're snuggling in the chair and Jordan says "Mama, can I have some 'eatmeal', please?"  And then when I get it for him, he says "Thank you, Mama."  It's so simple and yet it makes me feel so appreciated.

How much more can I bring joy to my Heavenly Father by asking and thanking him for his gracious provision?  One of my favorite authors is Elisabeth Elliot and she talks about how we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Every second of every day.  Even the hard days or the days that we are lacking, we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Lord, help me to be thankful for your minute by minute provision.  I have everything I need and more.  I am blessed.

 

Just Do Something!

Since my friend Kelsey died of cancer in July, the Lord has been bringing to my mind so many things that I learned from her.  Sometime I will sit down and write them all down so I won't ever forget, but there is one specific thing He keeps laying on my heart that I wanted to write about now.

The way my friendship with Kelsey started just perfectly describes who Kelsey was.  After our time in North Africa, I had joined a small group of girls who met every Tuesday night for prayer.  At some point, Kelsey joined the group as well.  We would each spend about five to ten minutes updating the group on our lives and specific prayer requests.  Over time, we were able to go deep and bear one another's burdens through prayer.  These girls are some of my dearest friends, even today.

One night, I shared my desire to have a baby and our struggle with infertility.  I think it might have been one of Kelsey's first times to the group, but the very next day she called me and invited me to hang out with her.  She told me all about her struggles with infertility and a miscarriage before she was able to give birth to Alexa.  From that day on, she poured herself into our friendship.  She was constantly checking on me, writing me notes, sending me Scripture, recommending books and songs to listen to, and spending time with me.  It was a tough road to get to Jordan, but she was there every step of the way. 

All the while, Kelsey would talk about other friendships or people she was meeting with.  Other girls in the church would talk about how she had reached out to them when they had a miscarriage or were struggling with infertility.  I was constantly amazed and how she was able to maintain so many relationships and yet, when I was spending time with her, she treated me like the most important person in her life.

The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens.  She was so good at that.  She was there for me on some of the hardest days of my life.  What a gift!

So, you think I would have learned from her and been able to give back to her what she gave to me.  I confess that I did not learn as much as I should have in time to really pour into her.  I regret that I did not make myself as available to her in her great times of need.  I was unsure of how to be there for her.  I learned so much about prayer and really did commit myself to bearing her burdens through prayer, but it wasn't until a few months before she passed away that I realized how much more she needed from me.  She needed people to be there for her.

Here are some qualifications the Holy Spirit did not add on to the command to "Bear one another's burdens".  Some of these I struggled with more than others.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have been through what the person is going through.

Not many people know what it feels like to be told that there is nothing more than can be done to save them from cancer.  I don't.  I also don't know what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage, or lose a child, or be the victim of abuse.  This does not excuse me from bearing someone's burdens.  But if I know of someone who is walking a road that I have experience in, my responsibility to walk with them is even greater!

Bear one another's burdens...if you know exactly what to say.

I don't.  Hardly ever.  When someone cries, I get uptight and awkward.  I don't know the perfect thing to say in every situation.  All Kelsey needed was someone to listen and to walk through those days with her.  This dawned on me one time during early May when I had gotten a gift for her that I knew she would like.  I was really trying to find ways to encourage her, but I was afraid of getting in the way.  I got it wrapped and ready and texted her to tell her I was headed her way to drop something off for her.  I said that I would leave it on the porch so I wouldn't be a bother.  She texted back and asked me to please come in.  We ended up chatting for thirty minutes and her sweet Momma even played with Jordan so I could talk to her.  It finally occurred to me that she didn't need me to give her gifts or write her the perfect card, she needed me to come sit with her and be her friend.

On another note, God has given us plenty of Scripture that we can share with one another.  I know on my dark days, the things that still stay with me are the verses that people gave me to meditate on.  God has equipped us with exactly what we need to say to one another...His Word.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have plenty of time.

Is there anything more important than meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ?  If the world will tell we are God's children by our love for one another, then shouldn't we get busy doing this?  Send a gift card, swing by and drop off a frozen meal, offer to clean, offer to watch kids, bring by ice cream or cookies.  We are all busy but we should never be too busy that we can't do what God told us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have everything together and your life is perfect.

This was my biggest mistake.  I had a rough 2013 too.  It was hard.  Losing those babies to failed adoptions hurt.  But, this did not give me the right to focus on myself and leave the bearing of my friend's burdens to the friends who weren't going through hard times.  I need to take my eyes off of my own problems and look for how to help others.  Everybody has hard times.  If God tells me to do something and reminds me of someone who is hurting, it is sinful and selfish for me to wallow in my hard times.  Sure, there was grieving to be done and it's not a bad thing to receive help from others, but there is a time to weep and then a time to get busy doing what God has called us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you are a paid staff member of a church.

I don't think much needs to be said about that!

Bear one another's burdens...if you that is your spiritual gift.

I understand that we all have things we are good at, but that doesn't excuse us from doing all the things God commands us to do.  For example, just because I am not gifted at evangelism and it is hard for me does not mean I am excused from sharing the Gospel.  So, just because you are not creative in ways to serve or really good and talking to someone who is hurting does not excuse you from obeying what God has commanded.  He promises to show Himself strong in our weaknesses.  Let him use you!


I'm sure there are other excuses that I'm not thinking of.  These are just some that came to mind.  I am thankful that I realized the best way to meet Kelsey's needs before it was too late.  I am thankful for the visits we did have, especially the ones near the end, when she was in the hospital.  I will always remember her beautiful face soaking in the hymns and songs we sang as a group around her bedside.  I gained more from those experiences than I gave.  I got to experience God's presence in ways I had never experienced Him because I was obedient and loved on my Sister in Christ.

Catching Up

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT'S BEEN FOUR MONTHS SINCE I UPDATED THIS BLOG!  OK, now I got that out of my system.  July 25th...so much has happened since then.  Lots of major life events.  When I explain, you'll understand why it's been hard to find time to catch up.  I have some things I've wanted to write about to get off my chest, but figured I'd better catch up on life first.

Cancer

I hate it.  I hate it.  It took my dear friend Kelsey on July 5th, and although she's been with Jesus since then, her husband, daughter, parents, sister, and all of her friends and family are left here trying to figure out life without her.  I have watched her family grieve and it has been an encouragement that God has been honored through their worst days.  On a personal note, I miss that girl.  She was a precious friend and one of the blog posts I want to write is about all of the many things that she taught me.

So, just when life was slowing down from that, my mom and dad made an emergency trip back to the States to treat what we found out was thyroid cancer.  I was thrilled to see them, but in shock and devastated at another cancer diagnosis, especially close to home in my own Dad.  Praise God that if you're going to have thyroid cancer, this is the kind to have.  On August 15th (8 years after I had my skin cancer removed...to the day!), all of the cancer was removed by surgery. 

Soon after that, another dear lady at our church was diagnosed (again) with esophageal cancer.  Crazy stuff, but her husband battled it and won ten years before and now she was going into her second round against this nasty, deadly cancer.  I'm happy to report that she had a successful surgery and is learning a new way of life, but she is alive and back to tirelessly encouraging other people!

There are others in our church that have battled it recently.  Ugh.  Cancer makes me so mad!

Marcus

This is written in chronological order, not in order of quality of blessing or even importance.  See, even cancer can be used by God to bring great blessing.  In this case, He went above and beyond to bless our family.  Let me explain...

Surgery on August 15th and then Mom & Dad came up to stay here in Norman for the remainder of their sixty day leave of absence!  By the time they got up here, I was ready to have this baby.  I still cannot believe that they got to be here for Marcus' birth and then the first five weeks of his life.  What?!?  So cool how everything worked out just perfectly.

On Tuesday, August 26th, I went in for my 37 week appointment and they gave me the heads up that things were starting to progress.  (I was hoping that this would be the case because I was miserable and the sooner Marcus could come, the more time Mom & Dad would have with him).  I could have kissed Jennifer (the NP) and I danced my way out as much as I could with a giant, pregnant belly.

Sure enough, that night I started having contractions.  I was up all night, timing and when they were five minutes apart, we went in.  Big bummer...they weren't strong enough.  So I was sent home with strict instructions to come back when they were three minutes apart.  All day I had contractions every five minutes.  We went to the mall and walked.  I went to church, hoping that things would progress.  Got home from church, and Dad walked around the block with me (well, I waddled), and sure enough...the contractions stopped.  Big, big bummer!

Thursday and Friday were the days that I did all of the things I was "too pregnant" to do just weeks earlier.  I was picking things off the ground.  I trimmed the hedge in the front yard.  I walked for miles, powering through the swollen ankles.  Nothing.

Saturday morning (August 30th), I got up and decided "Hey, it's the first OU game day.  I'm just going to enjoy it and Marcus can come another day."  You see where this is going.  So we relaxed.  We went to Ozzie's and ate a big breakfast.  I sat around and watched football all day.  Blake and Dad had tickets to the game so I drove them to the stadium. (Funny story...they had tickets, we lost them, and they bought new ones).  I got home, put Jordan in the bath and...my water broke.  Five minutes into the first quarter of the game.  THANKFULLY, Blake answered the phone. "No, I'm not joking.  You need to come home, now."  So, they rushed back and we went to the hospital.  Crazy, crazy Marcus...you just had to make an entrance!

Did I mention it was a blessing to have Mom & Dad here?  Dad was already here with Jordan and knew exactly how to take care of him.  I had ZERO worries about him and was able to focus on Marcus.

Marcus was born at 5:30 am on August 31st, about three weeks early.  And what a sweet, sweet blessing he is to our family.  He is an easy baby.  He is so sweet and snuggly.  And we are so thankful for his life.  He is almost three months old now and I've only cried one time about him...compared to the many times I've cried about Jordan in that time! :)

Mom & Dad were here off and on for five weeks.  They were so much help with both boys.  I was able to adjust to two so that when they left, it was pretty easy to jump back into real life!

Back Pain

Before I got pregnant, I lost 20 pounds.  I was on a roll, so I was ready to get back into the exercise groove a few weeks after Marcus arrived.  I worked out a few times and it felt great.  Then, I started to have some pain in my rear (insert pun here) and nothing seemed to help it.  It progressed to the pain shooting down my leg.  Sometimes, it was so intense that I had to fight back nausea.  The pain started to creep into my foot and then my foot started tingling and I had the sensation of a lump on the bottom of my foot.  This is when I went to the doctor.

An MRI, X-ray, and physical therapy and then the report came that I had a severely herniated disc in my lumbar region.  Yesterday, I went to the neurosurgeon.  My biggest fear was that it could not be fixed and I would have to live with the pain forever.  My second biggest fear was major surgery.  Praise the Lord, Dr. Hux will be able to fix it with a minor outpatient surgery.  So, I am excited to get this done so I can start living my life again.  Constant pain is exhausting and sometimes depressing.  There may be future surgeries in my future, but I plan on getting back into shape and building up my core to be as preventative as possible.


So, this is where we are today!  About to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Enjoying our boys.  Learning so much about God's provision in difficult times.  Thankful for the hope we have in Christ.  Having opportunities to share that hope with others.  Could we ask for more?

 

The Unknown

^{Matthew 6:34}

 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

 Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When I would read this verse in my teen years/early twenties...back when the world seemed pretty rosy, I always pictured financial or physical provision.  So, if I ever found myself in a situation where I had no money or food, God would give me enough for the day and then I could trust him with tomorrow.  While this is true, and He has proven that he provides in amazing ways when we have financial difficulties, there is a new dimension to this verse that I had never considered.

No, I'm not claiming that I've received a new revelation!  It's just that the verse several verses earlier (vs. 27) says "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"  My question is, how do you do this when you have something that legitimately is something to worry about?  

In America, our hardest financial situations have meant that we had to borrow money from our parents to make a payment or to get our car fixed.  Not ideal, but this is by no means desperation.  Or, when I say I have "no groceries", what I mean is I have a ton of cans of tomatoes in the cabinet, a large bag of rice, milk in the fridge, ranch dressing...etc. etc.  I have food.  It's not just the food I want to eat right then.  I have been places in the world where the average person makes as much in a month as I spend on chapstick in a month.  Our financial woes are really not what I would put in the "I should worry" category.

Disclaimer: I still worry about them.  It's so easy for my lack of contentedness with what I have to transform itself into worry.  This is sin in my heart that I need to confess to the Lord.  My lack of faith is very much tied to my lack of gratitude, not necessarily to any great physical needs that I have.

So, the reason I was thinking about these verses is that there are things that we face that are tough and should cause anxiety.  For example, I was thinking about Baby Jake the other day.  He's fifteen months old now (crazy!).  I was thinking about how I still have two months (or less!) before I get to meet baby Marcus.  If you had told me when I walked out of that hospital, leaving the baby boy we had fallen in love with behind, that it would be seventeen months before God would allow me to hold another baby who would be mine, I probably would have struggled a lot more with anger and depression.  Instead, I had hope that the desire to be a mom was a good one and from God and that He had a perfect plan.  His perfect plan included two more losses, a surprise pregnancy, some puking, and having to wait and wait and wait.  Not ideal, but when I look back at all of the grace he gave me during the tough days and the super exciting days, I recognize his provision was far greater than just a child.  It was a journey of faith and testing and endurance.  It has been daily lessons on being content with what I have and trusting God with the things that don't make sense.  Looking back, it is all worth it.  

Another example...my dear friend Kelsey.  Kelsey just passed away a few weeks ago.  She was 35 years old.  She is with Jesus, but she left behind a wonderful husband and a four year old daughter.  She left behind family and friends who dearly love her.  It's been tough for me and yet for many, many others, it has been unbelievably painful and the journey is just beginning for Chris and Alexa.  

Kelsey was diagnosed with epitheliod sarcoma in April of 2013.  Through the next year and three months, she kept a blog which gave those who read it great ways to pray for her health, but also an unbelievable glimpse into her faith in the Lord.  She was real and honest.  She did not enjoy the pain or the fear, but yet she never turned away from God.  She always went back to him.  

A few days after she died, I decided to look back at the beginning of her journey via her blog.  I was struck with what she posted as she was waiting to find out if the tumor in her arm was this extremely scary and deadly cancer, or if it was benign.  She talked about trying not to worry; that her mind would automatically go to the worst case scenarios.  Well, the worst happened.  What she tried not to fear the most happened.  

My first instinct when this thought struck me was to question the goodness of God.  But, He immediately took me to Matthew 6:34.  He is good.  The next fifteen months of Kelsey's life were spent in a journey.  Had she known what was coming, would she have been able to fight as hard?  Would she have enjoyed the precious time she had left with Chris and Alexa?  Would she have been able to find hope in Scripture?  She assured me many times that God somehow gave her exactly the grace she needed for that day.  And in an ultimate act of grace, God took her home.  He fulfilled the promise of eternal life that she clung to.  She is pain-free and worry-free.  She is experiencing joy that we cannot even comprehend.  And now He is giving Chris and Alexa the grace that they need for each day.  They don't know the future, but God is gracious to provide each day what they need and He will do that every day for each one of us.  It's a promise (read the rest of Matthew 6:25-34).  

Last weekend, I drove to DFW to visit with friends.  It was a girls' trip and so this meant a three hour road trip by myself.  I immediately knew what I wanted to do with my time.  Kelsey left a cd on my porch a couple of years ago when I was really suffering and going through a shocking and difficult time.  She called it "Songs of Hope and Praise".  It really ministered to me, but for some reason I never listened to it again until this past weekend.  I got it out for my trip.  The first track is a sermon about the goodness of God.  The preacher said "There are no good or bad days, just days of grace.  Some days it is the grace to endure and some days it is the grace to enjoy."  What a truth! and Kelsey experienced that grace to endure in abundance.  She ran her race victoriously, not because of anything within her, but because of the grace of God.

That is how we can face things that should make us worry and live in daily trust in God's perfect plan.  He gives us enough for each day.  His mercy is not to tell us our future, but to walk us through today with the knowledge that whatever it is that He has planned is worth it.  

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Happy Father's Day Blake!

Dear Jordan,

Today is your Dad's third Father's Day.  It's hard to believe we've had you for that long.  I wanted to tell you about how great your Dad is.  Soon, you will be able to tell him yourself about all of the things that you love about him.  But let me help you out this year.

Your Dad is extremely special.  He loves Jesus.  He loves to serve and to read God's Word.  He loves to spend time in prayer.  When he is asked by anybody to do anything, he jumps at the chance to do it.  He gives up his Monday nights to lead a Bible Study in a prison.  He meets with guys every couple of weeks to pray and stay accountable to each other.  He goes to Bible Studies at church so he can learn and he spends time reading the Bible every day.  He teaches Sunday School.  He meets with Mr. Larry every Thursday so he can learn from an older, wiser man.  He takes every opportunity he can to learn and grow.  

I would also like you to know how much he loves his family.  He takes care of us by working extremely hard.  He gets up at 4:30 every morning and works fifty hours a week.  He doesn't have to get up so early, but he wants to put his hours in so that he can be home in time spend lots of time with us.  He trusts God to provide through his job and works hard to give God the glory at his job.  He shares his testimony and looks for ways to share deeply about God's Word.  He always stands up for what is true in conversations he has.

At home, he is quick to do the dishes or take out the trash.  He fixes things around the house and enjoys teaching you how to use tools.

Your Dad loves you, Buddy.  He is always willing for a good wrestling session or to ride your little cars all around the house.  He loves to take you to the zoo and play outside with you.  You are wild and he loves it.  He loves reading to you and watching Curious George with you.  He prays and sings with us every night.  He disciplines you when you need it because he wants you to grow up to know Jesus and to follow him. Your Dad doesn't care as much about you being happy and having whatever you want.  He leads by example what it means to be joyful and content with what we have.  And God has given us so much!

I could go on and on about your Dad.  He's pretty great and I love him very much.  I hope you always know that he loves you more than his own life.

Love,
Mom

Precious Images

Psalm 139:13-16 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

The other evening, my sweet sister offered to watch Jordan so Blake and I could go out to eat.  I think it was an under-handed excuse to snuggle with Jordan, eat popcorn, and watch Frozen...but whatever the reason, we are always grateful for a chance to go eat by ourselves.  We love our little man, but meal-time is not exactly relaxing.  I am always excited for a chance to eat without having to share my food!  Not to mention the fact that we can actually talk without the usual interruptions..."Jordan don't throw your spoon" and "Jordan stop climbing over the booth; those people are trying to enjoy their meal and don't need you interfering."

So, we went to Carino's, an Italian restaurant because we had a groupon.  We made the most of the opportunity.  We even had dessert and coffee.  We talked about several different things and enjoyed each other's company.  After nine years of marriage, we have not run out of things to talk about!  We laughed about the food that I inevitably got on my pregnant belly.  We talked about how excited we were to meet baby Marcus and see what he is going to be like.

Then, we laughed about the fact that if we had adopted Ruby, I would be very pregnant with a five month old.  It would definitely be quite the challenge!  I think the first trimester would have turned me into a maniac if I had a newborn on top of that.  But then, we both agreed that it would have been worth it.  You see, just because we have Marcus (and we are EXTREMELY thankful for his little life!), does not mean that we have forgotten about our three babies that we did not get to adopt.  

We also talked about how we wish we could have kept all three...Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  It was a sad moment for us as we reflected on those three sweet babies and how old they would be now.  We talked about how if we could have chosen one, we could not make the choice.  They are all very important to us.  In our hearts, we have five children, even if only two of them are actually ours to parent.  

It's not that I think about them all of the time anymore.  I go several days at a time without thinking about them and I'm sure that time-span will stretch as we get farther away from this season of our life.  We certainly don't dwell on the sadness when it surfaces.  We truly believe that God's plan is greater than we can know that He has His purposes for their lives and for ours.  

Later (when I couldn't sleep because of heart-burn!), I was reflecting on how these three babies can mean so much to us.  And I was thinking about all of my dear friends who have experienced similar losses. Friends who experienced miscarriages and stillbirths.  Loss before life outside the womb even begins.  It's the mystery of parenthood, and I think especially motherhood.  How is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met?  How is it that without holding a baby, you can feel so attached to it?  How is it that you can never replace a baby who is in heaven with a baby that you get to hold on earth?

I think the answer is in the verses above.  I think the fact that each person (whether they have left the womb or not) is the reason why each little person can mean so much to us.  We believe that God knit together Jordan, Jake, Amelia, Ruby, and Marcus.  He knows everything about each of them.  He knows how many days they will live and how they will live those days.  He knit them together perfectly just the way they are.  As we began to prepare to parent each of them, we loved them because of that value.  We loved them because we knew that God created them unique and we could not wait to see what that uniqueness was.  We couldn't wait to see what they looked like and how they would act.  We gave them names and loved them before they were in our arms.  They each are precious in God's sight and are precious in our sight.

As I said, this is not something we dwell on much anymore.  We are very excited about life with two boys and ready to get this little guy in our arms.  He is our longest wait by about 7 months, so time seems to be crawling!  I am just so thankful for God's loving hand over his life and trust that his days are exactly what God has written for him.

Sulphurin'

Blake grew up in Oklahoma and therefore has A LOT of childhood memories that we can relive with our children as long as we live here in Norman.  One of his favorite places in the world is Sulphur, Oklahoma.  It's a cute little town with a natural springs park in the middle of it.  There is hiking, which we have done before we had kiddos, but Blake's memories mostly involve days of playing in the water.  So, on our way home from Texas on our last trip, we made a stop and Jordan was introduced to the wonderful world of Sulphur!

It was fun before we even made it to the water!

Not sure if this cold water is worth getting into!

Happy Dad and happy kid!

He liked the rocks but the leafy and mossy areas freaked him out!

Down the waterfall

And the real fun...climbing up the waterfall!

It's A....

Boy!  On my parent's first day in the States, we had a little gender reveal party.  My sister Abby did a great job of keeping the secret and making the cake that we could cut into to see if we were having a boy or a girl.  We already had our names picked out and were prepared to reveal them when the cake was cut.  Here are some pictures of our party celebrating are sweet little Marcus Payne!

 Clearly, the crowd was leaning towards girl!

 Jordan almost ruined the surprise.

 Proud Papa of two boys!  Boys rule, girls drool...at least in this house!

Life, Lately

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post!  Almost 3 months.  Whew!  I have lots of excuses, but all of them are good, so no apologies!  My biggest excuse is that I spent the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy sick.  It took every ounce of energy to feed my child three times a day and give him a bath, so a lot of housework piled up.  But, now I am closing in on 22 weeks so I've had six weeks to enjoy life and catch up around the house.  We've also had a garage sale and welcomed my parents to OK for a 3 week trip (more on that in a minute!).

Jordan is growing like a weed and has become quite the little talker.  He is really into repeating words when he asks you what they are.  This kid is so smart.  It kind of scares me because he absorbs EVERYTHING!  I guess I'll have to start watching my language. :)

Our biggest update is that we are having another BOY!  We are naming him Marcus Payne Lindley.  I am so ready to have a house full of boys.  A girl would have made it even, but I love watching my two housemates wrestle and drive cars and play with balls.  Another boy just makes sense.

My mom and dad are here right now so we've been busy enjoying life with them.  Abby's graduation is tomorrow so we will have a busy couple of days, but hopefully next week will be full of the zoo and the science museum!  Jordan loves his grandparents.  I try not to think about the good-byes we will have to say in a couple of weeks.  Ugh, I just thought about it.

I have several updates with pictures that I can hopefully post soon.  I will try to get on that.  No promises, especially if I start getting sick again!  But supposedly, that's over.  Only 18 more weeks to go and we'll meet our newest little man!

An Unexpected Twist

Well, if you read this blog consistently, it's no secret that we have a great desire for more children.  Three failed adoptions later, that had not gone away.  However, my desire for adoption had begun to wane.  My biggest hang-up was...how can I love a birthmom and prepare for a baby with a hopeful heart after so much disappointment?  I was terrified of having to put my heart back out there, but frankly, I didn't have any other choice.  I wanted a second child so badly and as far as I knew, adoption was our only option.

Well, if you know anything about God, He always has a plan and it is better than anything you can imagine.  I had begun to suspect that something was going on because I felt sick all of the time, but in the years before Jordan came, I had tricked myself so many times into taking a pregnancy test because I felt "sick".  So I really put it into the back of my mind.

On January 22nd, I worked a volunteer shift at Eden clinic and though I might as well take a test since I was there!  I did a client intake and decided to do my test at the same time as my client.  Well, in a crazy turn of events, that second line changed immediately.  Alison, our nurse was there with me and began screaming and jumping up and down.  I just stood there with my mouth wide open.  She said that she thought I would be more excited, but the truth was, I was completely stunned.  I never, ever expected to be pregnant!  I was calm on the outside, but this is how I was on the inside:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYscemhnf88

Needless to say, Alison had to finish my appointment.  I was in a haze and there was no way I could produce enough comprehensive sentences to help this client the way she needed!  I called Blake and told him to come by the clinic and he figured it out before he even got there!

My first instinct was fear of miscarriage, but Blake wanted to start telling our families that day.  So, we did, and honestly since then I have had very little anxiety about this pregnancy.  Part of that probably had to do with the never-ending nausea I experienced for the first month or two.  But God has been good to allow me to see the baby a couple of times at Eden Clinic via ultrasound and everything is just textbook so far.

So, the lesson is, don't limit what God can do.  Just because He did not allow us to have a bio-baby when we wanted it did not mean that He did not intend me to experience infertility my whole life.

This baby is such a sweet blessing but has not been the "fix" for my broken heart.  I still grieve Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  I think about them all of the time.  This baby does not replace any of them, but is just another little person for us to fall in love with and give a precious name and plan on raising to know Jesus.  And poor Jordan has no idea what is coming!

I am eleven weeks today and starting to show.  Er, well, lets just say I don't look pregnant, but I can't suck it in. :)  This week our baby is the size of a lime and has well-developed limbs that he/she is wiggling around all of the time, even though I can't feel it yet!

Jordan is Two!

I'm sitting here looking at my little boy and realizing that there's no going back.  No more Baby Jordan.  Although I'm a little nostalgic, I am so thankful for the little boy that he is.  And I look forward to see God use him as he grows up.  I pray that Jesus will capture his heart, because he is a special little boy.  He is charming and sweet and spunky.  He has impeccable timing with his humor.  Jordan is a gift from God that we are celebrating today!

Jordan is a miracle in so many ways.  I am in awe at all the Lord had to do to preserve his life until birth.  God created him a unique little person and protected him when no one knew about him and then when some tried to pressure his birthmom to have an abortion.  He endured some scary stuff in the womb and came out perfectly.  I am thankful for his birthmom every day for choosing to continue in a pregnancy that could have cost her life.  I am thankful that they chose us to be his parents.  I am thankful for the way that they trusted us to raise him. 

Jordan's smile is precious.  Even a half-smile will melt your heart!  He has big brown eyes that sparkle when he is being silly.  He is dramatic and passionate.  When he's happy, he's happy.  When he's sad, he's sad.  He loves hard and fights hard!  He loves his Daddy more than anything.  The moment he comes home from work is the best moment of the day.  And when Dad is gone, it is a never ending stream of asking "Where's Dad?"

Jordan still is a terrible sleeper.  That hasn't changed from day one, but now we are used to it!  If he had his way, he would never be alone in his bed.  He has about 8 stuffed animals in there to keep him company, but if I would let him, he would sleep in bed with us.  But I don't let him...because I would never sleep.  He likes to be WITH people, which means he is curled up against my back or has his legs on top of my head.  This boy is a snuggler!  And every morning when he wakes up, he spends the first 15-30 minutes just snuggling.  If you skip that part, it gets him in a mood that you don't want any part of!

Jordan loves basketball, Elmo, trains, plains, trucks, and pretty much anything else a boy can love.  He loves hats.  He loves playing games.  If you play with him, he will be your best friend for life.

Jordan is just now starting to talk.  He is a good communicator, so maybe he just figures he doesn't need words.  He has an ever-growing vocabulary and every time he adds a new word, it just adds to his cuteness! He is an expert at animal noises, though! Lately, he loves reading.  As a mom, this is one of my favorite things!  You hope and hope that they will like to read, but don't know how to achieve that goal.  Well, he loves his books.  He more possessive of his books than he is his toys!

Jordan is fearfully and wonderfully made.  We love our little man so much.  Life just would not be the same without him.  It is crazy around here sometimes, but I could not ask for more.  We love you, Jordan Jack!!

Ruby

It's hard to believe that I am writing ANOTHER post about ANOTHER adoption that didn't happen.  ANOTHER sweet baby that we fell in love with, dreamed of, planned for, and gave a name.  ANOTHER round of grief...sadness, anger, and many tears.  And ANOTHER delay in our journey of trust as we wait for God to give us the children who are the desire of our hearts.

We found out about Ruby about three weeks after Millie's adoption was disrupted.  We were thrilled to be chosen so quickly and for another girl!  As excited as we were, I would be lying if I said that I was not anxious throughout the next two months.  But, we don't want to miss out on the excitement.  I was anxious, but honestly thought it would not be possible for us to have this happen again.  Everything was going smoothly.  Ruby's birthmom was very sweet and we texted back and forth quite a bit.  A couple of times we lost contact with her, but tried not to be too anxious about that because that is not completely uncommon.  She kept coming back.

We named the baby Ruby Dalayna.  Dalayna was the name chosen by the birthmom and we chose Ruby, after my great-grandmother, Ruby Reed Williams.  Both my mom and my grandfather teared up when we told them the name we had chosen.  I felt confident that this one would stick...confident enough to give her a treasured family name.  My confidence was more based in statistics than in the Lord...how could we possibly have three adoptions disrupted in nine months??  Looking back, I ignored some red flags...or God protected me from seeing them.

The process of how the adoption plan fell apart is somewhat of a mystery to me.  Deaconess has always been good at telling us exactly what we need to know.  There are many details that I do not know (and that is okay), but I do know that Ruby's birthmom decided to keep her.  To be frank, there were things that happened that broke my heart.  When we first met, I opened up and told her our story...our infertility, disappointments, and losses.  I cried.  I genuinely believe her intentions were good and I want to believe that they stayed good until the end.  But I really don't know.  I have struggled with some bitterness towards her.  I completely understand her decision to keep the baby, I just wish she knew how broken we are.  That sounds so selfish when I read it back, but it's the truth.

Ruby was born on January 7th, a month before Jordan's second birthday.  We did not know about her birth until the next day.  But, as far as we knew, we were just to wait for the call to come get her.  Nothing happened on the next day, but on January 9th, we finally heard.  The adoption specialist was headed to the hospital to talk to birthmom.  A couple of hours later, she called back and told me that she was leaving the hospital and I knew that something was wrong.  An hour after that, they called to tell me that it was over.  I had already been crying for an hour.  I knew.  I looked back on the past couple of months and saw all of the "red flags".  And I felt dumb. 

Why did I hope again?  I put off pulling out clothes and getting ready, but in the week after Christmas, I decided to decorate her room and wash her clothes.  I pulled out the pretty pink dresses and laughed to myself about how Blake would be so nervous about dressing a girl.  I re-packed the diaper back with sweet little clothes for the hospital.  I made my list and lined up baby-sitters.  I'm getting pretty good at this part of the process!  I hoped.  And I got excited.  And attached.

When Millie's adoption fell through, I lost it.  I was taken completely off guard.  I was a mess.  I was not that way this time.  I was more prepared, but I still grieved and cried.  It's funny because I was surprised and yet not surprised at the same time.  I don't even really know how to explain it.  I think my fear tried to hold me back, but I knew the right thing to do would be to prepare and love.  I was afraid of getting hurt again, but I know I would have regretted not doing those things to get attached.  Here's the thing: if Ruby was home with us right now, I would have been thankful that I had prepared.  I would have been thankful that I loved her before I met her. 

And this is why I am terrified.  I am terrified because I know we have to keep going.  We have to keep trying.  We want a house full of children.  Jordan would love a sibling.  This sounds incredibly selfish...but this is our only way to have children.  Adoption is a noble thing...and incredibly painful.  It is joyful and terrifying.  God brings a family to a baby and a baby to a family.  It's a miracle and I am so thankful for it.  But part of the grief of this season has been of my infertility.  I feel that pain again...it is the loss of control.  There is nothing I can do but wait on the Lord. 

In my humanity, I want to fast forward through the pain of today and the fear of future heart-break.  I don't have that choice.  Instead, I have to choose every day that I will give that pain and fear over to the Lord.  He knows what will happen.  He knows our hearts.  I have to "trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."  It is a beautiful thing to turn those things over to Him.  He is good.  He is good.  He is good.  Nothing is outside of His plan.  My understanding is very limited.  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  But that is not what is important.  I have to give all of my heart to Him.  It is the only way we will be able to glorify Him through our grief and through our fear as we wait for the next call and start risking our hearts again.

So, we add Ruby to our list of babies who are out there somewhere.  They are our babies, if only in our hearts.  We miss them and we love them and it is so hard to know that they will never know who we are.  Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  Sweet babies.  I pray for you all of the time.  I miss you.  God, please protect these babies.  Watch over them.  Keep them safe.  And please show Yourself to them.  Bring someone into their lives who tell them about Your Son who died for them. 


P.S. The body of Christ has come through big-time for us.  We have been loved so lavishly by their prayers, gifts, dinners, tears, and words of comfort.  God has been good to us.

Missing the Mountains for the Messes

About once a week, I spill coffee grounds.  I get so mad at myself!  Yet, I refuse to buy the sturdy brand of filters.  I buy the paper thin ones that could rip at any second.  I drag myself over to the coffee maker every morning and brew myself a pot.  When the filter breaks and coffee grounds get all over the floor, you would think that I just broke my arm.  It gets me so frustrated...which of course sets the tone for the whole day.  (This little ditty just makes me cheap and lazy!)

As the new year starts, I have been reflecting on what I want 2014 to look like.  What are some things that I can focus on?  One consistent lesson that has been coming to mind is contentment.  We have had some set-backs and sadness in 2013, but who hasn't?  We are beyond blessed.  However, I lose my joy and contentment in the every day, mundane grind. I lose it when I'm expecting Blake to be home at a certain time and he calls to tell me that he's going to be late (the audacity of him wanting to get his hair cut!!).  It's the early mornings when I really want to sleep a little longer, but my little dude wants to be up before the sun.  It's having to sweep up coffee grounds again, or having to run and buy diapers because I didn't plan ahead and we ran out.  All of those little things steal my joy.

A friend shared with our Sunday School class some lessons she had learned out of Psalm 106.  It is one of the historical Psalms that talks about God's faithfulness to His people.  It is a look back at the history of their sin and failure to acknowledge Him.  Then after they suffer the consequences, they return to Him and are restored.  And then before you know it, they have lost focus again, and are back to doing the old things that got them in trouble in the first place.   It is a picture of our own hearts and thankfully, it is also a picture of God's loving kindness.

I am such a flake.  My heart wanders, and then I am gently guided back to God through His Word.  I hear a sermon or read a Scripture that reminds me of how greatly I am blessed.  My heart comes back to Him and then I spill my coffee grounds.  And I'm back to grumbling and complaining.  So, so petty. 

When we lived in Africa, we had the opportunity to travel to many beautiful places.  My favorite, by far, was Innsbruck, Austria.  The town reminded me a lot of Norman in it's size and in the fact that there was a university in the town.  But what set Innsbruck apart was that it was completely surrounded by mountains.  It is a beautiful little town in the middle of the Tyrolean Alps. 

Everywhere we went in this town, we were looking at the mountains.  We were so silly...we could not get enough of them!  If we ate a restaurant, we tried to eat at a table with a clear view of the mountains.  We would sit on a bench for an hour and just look at them.  Every evening, we sat by the river and watched the sun go down behind the mountains.  Even after it was dark, we were in awe of the barely visible shape of the mountains.  They were beautiful and we were enchanted.

I started to think about the people who lived there.  Did they not realize how beautiful their scenery was?  A bus would go by full of people who were looking at newspapers or at phones and not gazing at the mountains.  They would scurry about to their jobs and to their schools without looking up once.  It made me sad and I thought, "How long would it take for me to get used the the mountains and quit noticing them?"  It saddens my heart, but I think it would be quicker than I wish it would.

You see, it is the same in my life.  I have amazing blessings from God.  I have a husband who loves me and works hard to provide for our family.  I have a sweet little boy who makes me laugh and gives the greatest hugs.  The list goes on...my church, my family, my friends, my home, my neighborhood...all are blessings from Almighty God and yet I scurry around, getting caught up in the messes.  I never look up in awe and rejoice at God's majesty and beauty.  I get so caught up in those coffee grounds on the floor, that I forget to savor the God who gives me the ability to taste the coffee beans that he created.

God, help me to remember to look up.  Help me not to get caught up in the messiness of life so that I miss the majesty of who You are and what You have done for me.