There are some stories in Scripture where I am completely challenged...who Jesus is and what He does is so far from where I am at, that I know it will take many years of sanctification to learn to be more like Him. Or a lifetime.
And then are there are some places in Scripture where I feel like I understand and it brings me comfort to know that I can be myself and who I am is enough. Those are very few and far between...no, actually they are non-existent. That's because when I look at the life of Christ, I should be challenged and convicted...because He is a perfect example. He does everything right. He is sinless and loving and kind and wise and all of the things that I long to be.
So, when I was reading in Matthew 14 the other day, I was reading along and feeling pretty good about myself.
The chapter begins with the violent, disgusting story of the execution of John the Baptist and then verse 13 tell us that Jesus heard the news...
I paused and thought, "Wow, that would be so tragic. It's his cousin and the one who went before him to proclaim that Jesus was bringing the kingdom of God. It would have been a really personal loss. So sad."
And what was Jesus' response? Well, it was actually really comforting to me. It says "he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself." (Verse 13) That's exactly what I would have done.
Actually, being an introvert, a desolate place by myself sounds like the perfect response to everything. Stressed? Withdraw. Tired? By myself. Happy? Desolation works. Probably not on a boat because I get sick. But, reading that Christ went to be alone brought me some comfort and joy that how I respond to tragedy and feelings is not out of the ordinary and ungodly.
It was not until several years into adulthood that I came to terms with the fact that I am an introvert. I was always thought being any introvert was super-lame. I am a very social person and suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out). I make friends easy. I don't mind being the center of attention. So, I assumed I was an extrovert. I thought introverts never wanted to be with people. But when I took a personality test during training to go overseas, it told me I was an introvert. A pretty severe one.
And it makes sense when I think about the idea of being refreshed and re-energized. And the diagnosis was confirmed when I lived overseas. It became very apparent that if I did not take some time to be alone, I quickly became over-exhausted and anxious and had a very bad attitude about the work we were doing. Taking one "day of rest" a week is what gave me what I needed to be out and talking to people.
Learning this about myself was very helpful and I fully embraced my introversion...until I became a mom. To Jordan. The kid who strikes up a detailed conversation with every stranger possible. The one who wakes up saying "What are we going to do today? Where are we going?" And oh, Marcus. My verbal processor who can be located within 3 feet of me every minute he is awake. And if I close the door on him, his toes or fingers are sticking under the door, just to remind me that he is there. As close to me as possible.
Did I mention that they don't nap?
Nobody told me that about being an introverted mom...even babies are people who suck your energy. Even when Jordan was a baby who did nothing besides cry and not sleep, I began to realize that I needed alone time. I NEED it. If I go too long without it, my brain feels like it will explode and I start dreaming of a hotel room by myself, or the grocery store by myself, or the bathroom...
I recognize the need and intentionally try to meet it. I seek out alone time with God and alone time with my thoughts or my couch. I put it on the schedule. I wake up at 5:45 every morning so I can meet this need and it helps me so much as I deal with the energy level these two extroverts throw at me. And this is just the everyday stuff...it is even more important as I deal with grief or stress or anxiety. I recognize this need and that God created me this way and that He understands.
So, when I paused to think about Jesus alone and dealing with his grief over his cousin, I got it. I understood.
And then came the crowds...
Verse 14: "When he went ashore, he saw a great crowd and he had compassion on them and healed their sick."
Maybe I do need to go on a boat...
When Jesus was done with his time alone with God, He was immediately surrounded by people who needed him. I get the image of them just standing on the shore waiting for him to step foot in the shallow water. They were probably yelling at him and begging him for help. That would have made me want to turn around. It is hard for me to go from glorious alone time and jump right into the crazy. This is evidenced by the deep anger I feel when either of my children have the audacity to come over their room before I finish my coffee or my quiet time. I mean, really. How dare they wake up a few minutes early?!! :)
But Jesus didn't turn around, He had compassion on them and got right back to the work He was called to.
It's just two tiny verses, but it has started a major evaluation process for me about my attitude towards my kids, Blake, or anything that would dare interrupt my beloved, set-up-on-a-pedestal, IDOL of being alone. The problem isn't that I have the need or that I seek to meet this need. The problem is that I put it above the needs of other people. People who I am called to treat as more important than me. People who need to be loved the way that Jesus loved the people waiting for Him on the shore.
So, what does this mean? It means that God is not surprised when Jordan gets up and comes out before I finish my cup of coffee. It means that I have everything I need from Him and when my day goes differently than I had planned; that I am still called to love people and to honor Him with my attitude and my heart. So much conviction. So many opportunities to practice this discipline of walking every moment with God and allowing Him to be enough to sustain me. Even in the grocery store.
And then are there are some places in Scripture where I feel like I understand and it brings me comfort to know that I can be myself and who I am is enough. Those are very few and far between...no, actually they are non-existent. That's because when I look at the life of Christ, I should be challenged and convicted...because He is a perfect example. He does everything right. He is sinless and loving and kind and wise and all of the things that I long to be.
So, when I was reading in Matthew 14 the other day, I was reading along and feeling pretty good about myself.
The chapter begins with the violent, disgusting story of the execution of John the Baptist and then verse 13 tell us that Jesus heard the news...
I paused and thought, "Wow, that would be so tragic. It's his cousin and the one who went before him to proclaim that Jesus was bringing the kingdom of God. It would have been a really personal loss. So sad."
And what was Jesus' response? Well, it was actually really comforting to me. It says "he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself." (Verse 13) That's exactly what I would have done.
Actually, being an introvert, a desolate place by myself sounds like the perfect response to everything. Stressed? Withdraw. Tired? By myself. Happy? Desolation works. Probably not on a boat because I get sick. But, reading that Christ went to be alone brought me some comfort and joy that how I respond to tragedy and feelings is not out of the ordinary and ungodly.
It was not until several years into adulthood that I came to terms with the fact that I am an introvert. I was always thought being any introvert was super-lame. I am a very social person and suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out). I make friends easy. I don't mind being the center of attention. So, I assumed I was an extrovert. I thought introverts never wanted to be with people. But when I took a personality test during training to go overseas, it told me I was an introvert. A pretty severe one.
And it makes sense when I think about the idea of being refreshed and re-energized. And the diagnosis was confirmed when I lived overseas. It became very apparent that if I did not take some time to be alone, I quickly became over-exhausted and anxious and had a very bad attitude about the work we were doing. Taking one "day of rest" a week is what gave me what I needed to be out and talking to people.
Learning this about myself was very helpful and I fully embraced my introversion...until I became a mom. To Jordan. The kid who strikes up a detailed conversation with every stranger possible. The one who wakes up saying "What are we going to do today? Where are we going?" And oh, Marcus. My verbal processor who can be located within 3 feet of me every minute he is awake. And if I close the door on him, his toes or fingers are sticking under the door, just to remind me that he is there. As close to me as possible.
Did I mention that they don't nap?
Nobody told me that about being an introverted mom...even babies are people who suck your energy. Even when Jordan was a baby who did nothing besides cry and not sleep, I began to realize that I needed alone time. I NEED it. If I go too long without it, my brain feels like it will explode and I start dreaming of a hotel room by myself, or the grocery store by myself, or the bathroom...
I recognize the need and intentionally try to meet it. I seek out alone time with God and alone time with my thoughts or my couch. I put it on the schedule. I wake up at 5:45 every morning so I can meet this need and it helps me so much as I deal with the energy level these two extroverts throw at me. And this is just the everyday stuff...it is even more important as I deal with grief or stress or anxiety. I recognize this need and that God created me this way and that He understands.
So, when I paused to think about Jesus alone and dealing with his grief over his cousin, I got it. I understood.
And then came the crowds...
Verse 14: "When he went ashore, he saw a great crowd and he had compassion on them and healed their sick."
Maybe I do need to go on a boat...
When Jesus was done with his time alone with God, He was immediately surrounded by people who needed him. I get the image of them just standing on the shore waiting for him to step foot in the shallow water. They were probably yelling at him and begging him for help. That would have made me want to turn around. It is hard for me to go from glorious alone time and jump right into the crazy. This is evidenced by the deep anger I feel when either of my children have the audacity to come over their room before I finish my coffee or my quiet time. I mean, really. How dare they wake up a few minutes early?!! :)
But Jesus didn't turn around, He had compassion on them and got right back to the work He was called to.
It's just two tiny verses, but it has started a major evaluation process for me about my attitude towards my kids, Blake, or anything that would dare interrupt my beloved, set-up-on-a-pedestal, IDOL of being alone. The problem isn't that I have the need or that I seek to meet this need. The problem is that I put it above the needs of other people. People who I am called to treat as more important than me. People who need to be loved the way that Jesus loved the people waiting for Him on the shore.
So, what does this mean? It means that God is not surprised when Jordan gets up and comes out before I finish my cup of coffee. It means that I have everything I need from Him and when my day goes differently than I had planned; that I am still called to love people and to honor Him with my attitude and my heart. So much conviction. So many opportunities to practice this discipline of walking every moment with God and allowing Him to be enough to sustain me. Even in the grocery store.
