Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

I cannot believe that you are six months old today!  I'm sure you are so big and so cute.  I'm sure you are getting close to crawling.  You were pretty laid back when we got to be with you in the hospital, so you might just be super chill and content with watching the world go by.  I'm sure your mom will be okay with that.

It's hard to believe that it has been six months since we have seen you.  I think about you all of the time.  We were in South OKC the other day and eating at a restaurant.  I caught myself looking around to see if you and your family were there.  I would love to see what you looked like and see how big you've gotten.  Every time we drive north on I-35, I can see the hospital where you were born.  Blake and I laugh about that crazy night in the hospital where we had to dodge a crazy grandma and we all three spent the night in a tiny lactation room.  And you are a legend at Deaconess!

I still get sad when I think about you, but it has gotten easier over time.  It was an honor to be your Mama for 18 hours.  I am so thankful that I got to hold you and watch Blake brush your hair after your first bath.  You loved it!  I think that first 18 hours, you might have spent a total of five minutes in your bassinet because we could not put you down!  We savored our time together, and while it broke my heart to leave you there, I knew that you were not supposed to be ours.  I know your mom, dad, and brother are so thankful that you are theirs.  That's what God planned all along and I'm glad we got to be a part of your journey.

You will never know me and will never know who I am, and that's okay.  I want you to know that I am thankful for you and will be praying for you as often as I think of you.  There's a little boy at church who was born two days after you.  His mom is one of my best friends and we had hoped that you two boys would be best buds someday.  I am thankful for him because he reminds me of you.  I pray that you are safe and happy.  I pray that you are healthy.  I pray that you will know Jesus someday.  I pray for your mom and dad and their salvation.  I have embraced my role as someone who prays for you and I will continue to walk in faith that God used those eighteen hours for His glory.

You are loved, little guy.  We miss you and love you!

Carol

Set Your Eyes

I think one of the results of having a child who didn't sleep well is that I am now a bona fide night owl.  I am thankful that I don't require a lot of sleep to function, but sometimes that's my downfall too.  It's amazing the ways I can find to waste my time just to continue to enjoy a quiet house!  Most nights, Jordan sleeps through the night and I am able to sleep a good six or seven hours in a row.  I always stay up too late, but I'm still getting those hours in.  But, every once in a while, he wakes up and it's a couple hours of battling to get him back to sleep.

Last night was one of those nights.  I stayed up until midnight wasting time...not doing anything beneficial at all.  I told myself over and over that I need to get to bed.  I need to get some sleep.  But, I stayed up.  Sure enough, at 3:20 Jordan started crying.  Two hours later, I was finally back in bed only to be woken up at 6 by Blake's alarm.  Then I fell back asleep for another hour or so until Jordan finally woke up. 

I was dead tired this morning!  Coffee was a first priority (after the snuggling part of my morning was over).  Sesame Street was employed to entertain Jordan while I sipped my coffee and forced my eyes open.  Why did I do this to myself? 

Boring story...but I feel like it's a good metaphor for something I've been learning.

I feel like every time I spend time in the word (by myself or at church), it's about heavy stuff.  Trials, the journey through life, keeping an eternal perspective.  On Wednesday nights, we are studying the book of Job...not exactly an uplifting read!

Add that to the things that have been going on in my life (along with so many of my friend's lives), the question of the day is "Why is this happening?"

There are many answers to this question and I don't believe we can ever know for sure, but we do know that God says that "All things work together for the good of those who love Him".  He also tells us to "Keep your eyes on things above, not on earthly things."  There is no short answer to "why" bad things happen other than sin.  Consequences of sin may be one reason for a problem.  God may be using a trial in our lives to draw us to Him, to refine us, or to draw others to Him.  Or all of the above.

One thing we know is "Our God is in the Heavens; He does all that He pleases."  Because I am His child, I can rest in the knowledge that He is working all of the good and bad and hard and joyful into what He wants it to be.  Sometimes I can see reasons here on earth.  Last week, I was able to encourage and relate to a friend who is struggling with infertility last.  We wouldn't have Jordan if it weren't for a potential placement not working out just five weeks before.  Sometimes, I'm left with nothing except God's goodness and promises.  Why didn't we get to bring Millie home?  I really can think of no good earthly reason.  I have to CHOOSE to set my mind on the things above...that God has a plan that will glorify Himself and will not waste the frustration and grief I feel now.

So, we may or may not get answers to "why".  But we can know one things for sure.  Hard times will come. Following Christ is hard.  It means dying daily.  It means persecution.  It means giving up earthly treasures for heavenly ones.  Everyone will go through difficult times.  It's a guarantee.

So, what in the world does my sleepless night have to do with suffering and trials?  In the grand scope of things, being a little sleepy today because my own dumb choices is really not that big of a deal.  But at 5:15 this morning when I was trying to drift back to sleep, I thought "I should have been ready for this.  I know this is going to happen, so why didn't I do the right thing and go to bed early?  I should have just planned on this happening and it wouldn't be so hard now."

If we know something will happen, and we just don't know when, isn't the smart thing to do to just go ahead and prepare for it. Get your rest when you can.  Go to bed instead of wasting precious sleep on Facebook.  Sleepless nights will come...enjoy and make the most of the sleep-filled nights.

That's how we need to approach the trials of life.  Expect them, plan for them...not in a "there's a problem around the corner, Debbie-downer" kind of way.  But if we know that this world is not our home and there will be trouble, shouldn't we use the days we have that are good and normal to prepare.  Get to know God and His promises.  Pray for strength and endurance when the hard times come.  Pray for others who are walking through difficult times.  Rejoice in the mundane and the blessings.  Don't be caught off guard.  Use each day to get to know the God of Heaven who promises to sustain us.