I've been thinking about writing this for a long time. I have wanted to share a little about my friend and her impact on my life with those who prayed for her and didn't have a chance to meet her. But mostly, I want to do it for me. The impact she had on my life is immeasurable, even though we were only friends for a few years. Kelsey went to be with Jesus on July 5, 2014 after her battle with epithelioid sarcoma, a very rare form of cancer. The past year has been hard and odd as I've adjusted to life without her. It's been infinitely more hard on her family...her husband, daughter, parents, and sister. When I dwell on my grief, my thoughts and prayers automatically go to them.
Kelsey was that girl who was so vivacious and so magnetic that you couldn't help but notice her. The first time I met her was at a women's retreat. I only remember her as the girl who was either married to or engaged to Chris (I can't remember!). She seemed to radiate joy and was always surrounded by people. I didn't get to know her at all at that time, but I remember her.
A couple of years later, when I returned from Morocco, I joined a small group of girls who meet every two weeks (we still do!) to pray and encourage one another. Kelsey started coming around the same time. Her daughter Alexa was a baby and we became friends during those times. But it wasn't until I shared something deep that we really connected. I shared with the girls how we were trying to have kids, but were not having any success. I remember crying and feeling embarrassed at how vulnerable I was being. But the very next Sunday, Kelsey pulled me aside and told me that she had struggled with infertility and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out.
Some time in that next week, I went over to Kelsey's house. It was the first of MANY times that we got together at her house or somewhere else and talked. I stayed for a long time, probably most of the afternoon. It was the beginning of MANY times that we spent talking and laughing (and most of these occasions involved some sort of dessert!).
There was the time I helped her decorate for Christmas. She was showing off her beautiful dishes and we laughed about how Chris almost died trying to get them out of the attic.
There was the time we went for a walk and talked about music and the songs that really spoke to us. At the time, the song that was in my heart was "Blessings" by Laura Story. I still can't hear that song without thinking of the raw emotions of that season of my life.
Then there was the time after her second miscarriage that I had signed up to bring her and Chris a meal. I ran into them that day and convinced her to come out to eat with me and Chris graciously let us. We ate Mexican food and walked all over campus. We ended up eating ice cream and talking about our favorite reality shows until 11 pm. I think we spend six hours talking. It was cathartic for both of us.
There was the conversation where she shared with me how she tried to instill music into Alexa. She's the reason that I bought the entire Praise Baby cd set and played them relentlessly to Jordan. Her investment paid off because when she was in the hospital, Alexa was sitting in the waiting room singing "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me..." Her sweet voice will forever stay with me as she, in her innocence, sang a song that was so meaningful to what she is facing now. I remember sharing that with Kelsey and being able to encourage her that her investment in her daughter paid off. Kelsey is the reason that Jordan and I sing together all of the time.
When Blake's dad died, I had so many people reach out to encourage me. But Kelsey is the one who brought a cd called "Songs of Hope and Peace". She left it on my porch and when I called to thank me, she listened to me sob on the phone for an hour. I distinctly remember her telling me that all of the hurt and pain (we were still waiting for kids!) that I was experiencing at that time had to be preparing me for something.
That next Sunday when she saw me at church and she ran over and shared with me about a book called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. She encouraged me to read it, and of course, I did. It's changed how I view heaven and has encouraged me greatly as I grieved for my father in law and now as I grieve for her. Reading that book has really made me long to be with Jesus. I'm so thankful for her encouragement.
Then Jordan was born! An answer to prayer! Kelsey and Alexa came over and Kelsey held him every second she was in my house. She left quickly when Alexa started coughing. She was a much bigger germaphobe than I was and I was sad that she left, but I guess I didn't want my baby getting sick. :)
There was the conversation we had about adoption. She shared with me how she would love to adopt, but they just didn't have a peace for pursuing it at that time.
There was the play date at the park where we stayed longer than our kids wanted to because we were enjoying the conversation. We had neglected time together and committed that we were going to make sure that we spent more time together.
There was the harsh words we exchanged with each other one day. It wasn't a fight, but we apologized later that day. I felt so unsettled that we weren't ok, but of course, by the time we finished talking, we were fine! At the time, I didn't know that she was probably very stressed about the lump she was about to go to the doctor to find out about.
There was the day she shared about her cancer. I remember thinking that because it was in her arm, it probably wasn't that big of a deal. I wish I had been more concerned and supportive. (There are so many things I wish I had done better during this season).
We had a party for her to give her scarves and earrings to compliment her new hair-do when she shaved her head because of the chemo. I was so nervous to see her but I can very clearly remember how beautiful she looked. She embraced that season with so much bravado and I was so proud of her.
There were the many conversations we had about her cancer. I asked a lot of questions because I wanted to know how to pray. As the cancer progressed, it was clearly more serious, but she was always fighting. She always had things she was doing to fight the cancer. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't beat it. I prayed and prayed and tried to find ways to encourage her.
There were the many days that I didn't know what to say. I would text her a verse or write her a card, but I felt at a complete loss.
There was the playdate right after our third failed adoption when I was absolutely despondent. I felt bad for dumping it all on Kelsey, but she asked! In the midst of her own extremely hard time, she encouraged me. She encouraged me by being real. She told me that she sometimes felt angry. That she asked God "why". That she was afraid of the future. And yet, she was clinging to her faith and reminding me to do the same. If we compared suffering on a scale, hers was much greater, but she didn't care. She saw a friend who was hurting and was such a blessing to me that day by letting me know that the feelings of hopelessness and grief I was experiencing were normal!
There was the celebration of finding out I was pregnant!
Then the phone call after she got the news from her doctor that there was nothing medically that could be done. We talked for 30 minutes about prayer and she told me that this was not a last-ditch thing. Prayer is what God called us to do and through the "Praying for Kelsey" page on facebook, I went to battle for my friend in the middle of the night many nights for three months. I got up at 2 am on the nights that I was able to and spent an hour pouring through Scripture and praying through them. I begged God for my friend's life. I pleaded with him to comfort and bless her and her family. I cried a lot and I experienced God's presence in very special ways.
There was the day that I went to drop off a gift for her. I texted Kelsey and didn't want to bother her so I was just going to leave it on her porch. She asked me to stay and her mom took Jordan outside to play so we could sit together. She was in so much pain but still so feisty. She told me that she expected to be invited to Marcus' shower (we didn't know he was a boy yet!). I found out he was a boy two days later and texted her and she was so excited to hear that and reminded me again that she wanted to come to his shower.
Finally, there was the hospital. I went to see her and was so blessed by her. I went a few days later with our girl's group and we prayed and sang with her. It was a pretty rushed time because they had to do a procedure in the middle of it. When we went in to say goodbye, she asked us to sing some more. Our friend Angie sang "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" to her and we all listened and watched. It was one of those moments I will never, ever forget. I wanted to close my eyes because the reality of what was happening was too much. But I couldn't because I wanted to soak that moment in. Angie sang and Kelsey sang. I couldn't hear her because she was so weak but her eyes were closed and she was worshipping. I stood there with tears streaming down my face, taking it in. It was beautiful and horrible at the same time. The memory of her determination to worship despite the circumstances will always be an encouragement to me.
Then the last time I saw her. Another time of singing and praying. And when I left her room, I kissed her on the cheek and told her I loved her. She told me she loved me and I knew that I would never see her again in this life. It was strangely peaceful.
She died a few days later and grief has come and gone. There are times that I want to pick up the phone and call her and realize I can't. I've come across several hand-written cards that started the tears flowing.
In between all of those moments with Kelsey that stand out are countless hugs at church, times of hanging out, phone calls, texts, notes, and other great memories. She was such a wonderful, faithful, and loyal friend. She was one of a kind. We could be crying together one moment and laughing hysterically at something another moment later.
And the crazy thing is, there are so many friends who have the same experience with her. Kelsey had a way of investing in people and making them think that they were the most important person in the world. I know of many people who she reached out to because she heard they had had a miscarriage or were going through sometime she had experienced. I don't know how she managed all of her friendships but she was loyal to every single one of them. She was the best.
The investment she made in me will last a lifetime. I've learned so much from the conversations we had, but also in the way she lived. I learned about the ways that I failed as a friend and also that I can always start new and do better the next time. God gave Kelsey as a gift for so many people and I am thankful to be on of those who got to enjoy her while she was here.
Kelsey was that girl who was so vivacious and so magnetic that you couldn't help but notice her. The first time I met her was at a women's retreat. I only remember her as the girl who was either married to or engaged to Chris (I can't remember!). She seemed to radiate joy and was always surrounded by people. I didn't get to know her at all at that time, but I remember her.
A couple of years later, when I returned from Morocco, I joined a small group of girls who meet every two weeks (we still do!) to pray and encourage one another. Kelsey started coming around the same time. Her daughter Alexa was a baby and we became friends during those times. But it wasn't until I shared something deep that we really connected. I shared with the girls how we were trying to have kids, but were not having any success. I remember crying and feeling embarrassed at how vulnerable I was being. But the very next Sunday, Kelsey pulled me aside and told me that she had struggled with infertility and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out.
Some time in that next week, I went over to Kelsey's house. It was the first of MANY times that we got together at her house or somewhere else and talked. I stayed for a long time, probably most of the afternoon. It was the beginning of MANY times that we spent talking and laughing (and most of these occasions involved some sort of dessert!).
There was the time I helped her decorate for Christmas. She was showing off her beautiful dishes and we laughed about how Chris almost died trying to get them out of the attic.
There was the time we went for a walk and talked about music and the songs that really spoke to us. At the time, the song that was in my heart was "Blessings" by Laura Story. I still can't hear that song without thinking of the raw emotions of that season of my life.
Then there was the time after her second miscarriage that I had signed up to bring her and Chris a meal. I ran into them that day and convinced her to come out to eat with me and Chris graciously let us. We ate Mexican food and walked all over campus. We ended up eating ice cream and talking about our favorite reality shows until 11 pm. I think we spend six hours talking. It was cathartic for both of us.
There was the conversation where she shared with me how she tried to instill music into Alexa. She's the reason that I bought the entire Praise Baby cd set and played them relentlessly to Jordan. Her investment paid off because when she was in the hospital, Alexa was sitting in the waiting room singing "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me..." Her sweet voice will forever stay with me as she, in her innocence, sang a song that was so meaningful to what she is facing now. I remember sharing that with Kelsey and being able to encourage her that her investment in her daughter paid off. Kelsey is the reason that Jordan and I sing together all of the time.
When Blake's dad died, I had so many people reach out to encourage me. But Kelsey is the one who brought a cd called "Songs of Hope and Peace". She left it on my porch and when I called to thank me, she listened to me sob on the phone for an hour. I distinctly remember her telling me that all of the hurt and pain (we were still waiting for kids!) that I was experiencing at that time had to be preparing me for something.
That next Sunday when she saw me at church and she ran over and shared with me about a book called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. She encouraged me to read it, and of course, I did. It's changed how I view heaven and has encouraged me greatly as I grieved for my father in law and now as I grieve for her. Reading that book has really made me long to be with Jesus. I'm so thankful for her encouragement.
Then Jordan was born! An answer to prayer! Kelsey and Alexa came over and Kelsey held him every second she was in my house. She left quickly when Alexa started coughing. She was a much bigger germaphobe than I was and I was sad that she left, but I guess I didn't want my baby getting sick. :)
There was the conversation we had about adoption. She shared with me how she would love to adopt, but they just didn't have a peace for pursuing it at that time.
There was the play date at the park where we stayed longer than our kids wanted to because we were enjoying the conversation. We had neglected time together and committed that we were going to make sure that we spent more time together.
There was the harsh words we exchanged with each other one day. It wasn't a fight, but we apologized later that day. I felt so unsettled that we weren't ok, but of course, by the time we finished talking, we were fine! At the time, I didn't know that she was probably very stressed about the lump she was about to go to the doctor to find out about.
There was the day she shared about her cancer. I remember thinking that because it was in her arm, it probably wasn't that big of a deal. I wish I had been more concerned and supportive. (There are so many things I wish I had done better during this season).
We had a party for her to give her scarves and earrings to compliment her new hair-do when she shaved her head because of the chemo. I was so nervous to see her but I can very clearly remember how beautiful she looked. She embraced that season with so much bravado and I was so proud of her.
There were the many conversations we had about her cancer. I asked a lot of questions because I wanted to know how to pray. As the cancer progressed, it was clearly more serious, but she was always fighting. She always had things she was doing to fight the cancer. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't beat it. I prayed and prayed and tried to find ways to encourage her.
There were the many days that I didn't know what to say. I would text her a verse or write her a card, but I felt at a complete loss.
There was the playdate right after our third failed adoption when I was absolutely despondent. I felt bad for dumping it all on Kelsey, but she asked! In the midst of her own extremely hard time, she encouraged me. She encouraged me by being real. She told me that she sometimes felt angry. That she asked God "why". That she was afraid of the future. And yet, she was clinging to her faith and reminding me to do the same. If we compared suffering on a scale, hers was much greater, but she didn't care. She saw a friend who was hurting and was such a blessing to me that day by letting me know that the feelings of hopelessness and grief I was experiencing were normal!
There was the celebration of finding out I was pregnant!
Then the phone call after she got the news from her doctor that there was nothing medically that could be done. We talked for 30 minutes about prayer and she told me that this was not a last-ditch thing. Prayer is what God called us to do and through the "Praying for Kelsey" page on facebook, I went to battle for my friend in the middle of the night many nights for three months. I got up at 2 am on the nights that I was able to and spent an hour pouring through Scripture and praying through them. I begged God for my friend's life. I pleaded with him to comfort and bless her and her family. I cried a lot and I experienced God's presence in very special ways.
There was the day that I went to drop off a gift for her. I texted Kelsey and didn't want to bother her so I was just going to leave it on her porch. She asked me to stay and her mom took Jordan outside to play so we could sit together. She was in so much pain but still so feisty. She told me that she expected to be invited to Marcus' shower (we didn't know he was a boy yet!). I found out he was a boy two days later and texted her and she was so excited to hear that and reminded me again that she wanted to come to his shower.
Finally, there was the hospital. I went to see her and was so blessed by her. I went a few days later with our girl's group and we prayed and sang with her. It was a pretty rushed time because they had to do a procedure in the middle of it. When we went in to say goodbye, she asked us to sing some more. Our friend Angie sang "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" to her and we all listened and watched. It was one of those moments I will never, ever forget. I wanted to close my eyes because the reality of what was happening was too much. But I couldn't because I wanted to soak that moment in. Angie sang and Kelsey sang. I couldn't hear her because she was so weak but her eyes were closed and she was worshipping. I stood there with tears streaming down my face, taking it in. It was beautiful and horrible at the same time. The memory of her determination to worship despite the circumstances will always be an encouragement to me.
Then the last time I saw her. Another time of singing and praying. And when I left her room, I kissed her on the cheek and told her I loved her. She told me she loved me and I knew that I would never see her again in this life. It was strangely peaceful.
She died a few days later and grief has come and gone. There are times that I want to pick up the phone and call her and realize I can't. I've come across several hand-written cards that started the tears flowing.
In between all of those moments with Kelsey that stand out are countless hugs at church, times of hanging out, phone calls, texts, notes, and other great memories. She was such a wonderful, faithful, and loyal friend. She was one of a kind. We could be crying together one moment and laughing hysterically at something another moment later.
And the crazy thing is, there are so many friends who have the same experience with her. Kelsey had a way of investing in people and making them think that they were the most important person in the world. I know of many people who she reached out to because she heard they had had a miscarriage or were going through sometime she had experienced. I don't know how she managed all of her friendships but she was loyal to every single one of them. She was the best.
The investment she made in me will last a lifetime. I've learned so much from the conversations we had, but also in the way she lived. I learned about the ways that I failed as a friend and also that I can always start new and do better the next time. God gave Kelsey as a gift for so many people and I am thankful to be on of those who got to enjoy her while she was here.
