The Big One

Dear Marcus,

Happy Birthday!  I cannot believe you are one.  This past year has gone by so fast and I just want to stop time.  But I'm glad that I can't, because I would have stopped it a year ago and missed out on the special little boy that you are.  Every stage of this past year has been wonderful.  You were a pretty easy baby, but even when things haven't been easy (the spit-up days, the "don't-leave-me-alone" days)...well, your sweet spirit just makes everything better.

You are the  perfect bend of sweet and wild.  You are patient and kind and gentle.  And yet, you are the first one to start a wrestling match or climb up on the couch and fall on your head.  (Thankfully, you've learned not to fall on your head, so that makes life easier!)  You are smart and silly and love to be with people.

You are not as much of a snuggler as Jordan is in the morning, but you make up for it throughout the day.  If someone is holding you, within a few minutes you will just lay your head on their shoulder.  Even if it is the briefest moment, that little gesture just makes my heart want to explode.  And you are sweet to just about everyone who will hold you.  You love people.

Your two favorite people: Your Dad and your brother.  Both of those guys just make your day.  When Dad comes home, he can't walk  by you without picking you up or you will follow him crying.  You will stay in his arms all day if he would let you.  You can't get enough of him.  And Jordan makes you giggle and laugh and all you want to do all day is follow him around and play with him.  He doesn't always enjoy that part of being a brother, but he loves you.  Your Dad and I get so much joy from seeing you two love each other.  A couple of days ago, while we were on a walk, Jordan reached over and held your hand.  It is such a wonderful thing to see you two grow closer.

You are a precious gift from God and I hope you always realize that.  You are miraculous, not just in how you came into this world, but the way you've made it a better place, even in just one year!  You are loved by so many and most importantly, you are loved by Him.  He created you just the way you are...and I am so thankful to have you as my son.  I wish I could find better words to let you know just how loved you are!

I love you, buddy.  Welcome to year #2!

Mom

 

You love your birthday presents!

 

Kelsey

I've been thinking about writing this for a long time.  I have wanted to share a little about my friend and her impact on my life with those who prayed for her and didn't have a chance to meet her.  But mostly, I want to do it for me.  The impact she had on my life is immeasurable, even though we were only friends for a few years.  Kelsey went to be with Jesus on July 5, 2014 after her battle with epithelioid sarcoma, a very rare form of cancer.  The past year has been hard and odd as I've adjusted to life without her.  It's been infinitely more hard on her family...her husband, daughter, parents, and sister.  When I dwell on my grief, my thoughts and prayers automatically go to them. 

Kelsey was that girl who was so vivacious and so magnetic that you couldn't help but notice her.  The first time I met her was at a women's retreat.  I only remember her as the girl who was either married to or engaged to Chris (I can't remember!).  She seemed to radiate joy and was always surrounded by people.  I didn't get to know her at all at that time, but I remember her.

A couple of years later, when I returned from Morocco, I joined a small group of girls who meet every two weeks (we still do!) to pray and encourage one another.  Kelsey started coming around the same time.  Her daughter Alexa was a baby and we became friends during those times.  But it wasn't until I shared something deep that we really connected.  I shared with the girls how we were trying to have kids, but were not having any success.  I remember crying and feeling embarrassed at how vulnerable I was being.  But the very next Sunday, Kelsey pulled me aside and told me that she had struggled with infertility and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out.

Some time in that next week, I went over to Kelsey's house.  It was the first of MANY times that we got together at her house or somewhere else and talked.  I stayed for a long time, probably most of the afternoon.  It was the beginning of MANY times that we spent talking and laughing (and most of these occasions involved some sort of dessert!).

There was the time I helped her decorate for Christmas.  She was showing off her beautiful dishes and we laughed about how Chris almost died trying to get them out of the attic.

There was the time we went for a walk and talked about music and the songs that really spoke to us.  At the time, the song that was in my heart was "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I still can't hear that song without thinking of the raw emotions of that season of my life.

Then there was the time after her second miscarriage that I had signed up to bring her and Chris a meal.  I ran into them that day and convinced her to come out to eat with me and Chris graciously let us.  We ate Mexican food and walked all over campus.  We ended up eating ice cream and talking about our favorite reality shows until 11 pm.  I think we spend six hours talking.  It was cathartic for both of us.

There was the conversation where she shared with me how she tried to instill music into Alexa.  She's the reason that I bought the entire Praise Baby cd set and played them relentlessly to Jordan.  Her investment paid off because when she was in the hospital, Alexa was sitting in the waiting room singing "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me..."  Her sweet voice will forever stay with me as she, in her innocence, sang a song that was so meaningful to what she is facing now.  I remember sharing that with Kelsey and being able to encourage her that her investment in her daughter paid off.  Kelsey is the reason that Jordan and I sing together all of the time.

When Blake's dad died, I had so many people reach out to encourage me.  But Kelsey is the one who brought a cd called "Songs of Hope and Peace".  She left it on my porch and when I called to thank me, she listened to me sob on the phone for an hour.  I distinctly remember her telling me that all of the hurt and pain (we were still waiting for kids!) that I was experiencing at that time had to be preparing me for something.

That next Sunday when she saw me at church and she ran over and shared with me about a book called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn.  She encouraged me to read it, and of course, I did.  It's changed how I view heaven and has encouraged me greatly as I grieved for my father in law and now as I grieve for her.  Reading that book has really made me long to be with Jesus.  I'm so thankful for her encouragement.

Then Jordan was born!  An answer to prayer!  Kelsey and Alexa came over and Kelsey held him every second she was in my house.  She left quickly when Alexa started coughing.  She was a much bigger germaphobe than I was and I was sad that she left, but I guess I didn't want my baby getting sick. :)

There was the conversation we had about adoption.  She shared with me how she would love to adopt, but they just didn't have a peace for pursuing it at that time.

There was the play date at the park where we stayed longer than our kids wanted to because we were enjoying the conversation.  We had neglected time together and committed that we were going to make sure that we spent more time together.

There was the harsh words we exchanged with each other one day.  It wasn't a fight, but we apologized later that day.  I felt so unsettled that we weren't ok, but of course, by the time we finished talking, we were fine!  At the time, I didn't know that she was probably very stressed about the lump she was about to go to the doctor to find out about.

There was the day she shared about her cancer.  I remember thinking that because it was in her arm, it probably wasn't that big of a deal.  I wish I had been more concerned and supportive.  (There are so many things I wish I had done better during this season).

We had a party for her to give her scarves and earrings to compliment her new hair-do when she shaved her head because of the chemo.  I was so nervous to see her but I can very clearly remember how beautiful she looked.  She embraced that season with so much bravado and I was so proud of her.

There were the many conversations we had about her cancer.  I asked a lot of questions because I wanted to know how to pray.  As the cancer progressed, it was clearly more serious, but she was always fighting.  She always had things she was doing to fight the cancer.  It never occurred to me that she wouldn't beat it.  I prayed and prayed and tried to find ways to encourage her.

There were the many days that I didn't know what to say.  I would text her a verse or write her a card, but I felt at a complete loss.

There was the playdate right after our third failed adoption when I was absolutely despondent.  I felt bad for dumping it all on Kelsey, but she asked!  In the midst of her own extremely hard time, she encouraged me.  She encouraged me by being real.  She told me that she sometimes felt angry.  That she asked God "why".  That she was afraid of the future.  And yet, she was clinging to her faith and reminding me to do the same.  If we compared suffering on a scale, hers was much greater, but she didn't care.  She saw a friend who was hurting and was such a blessing to me that day by letting me know that the feelings of hopelessness and grief I was experiencing were normal!

There was the celebration of finding out I was pregnant!

Then the phone call after she got the news from her doctor that there was nothing medically that could be done.  We talked for 30 minutes about prayer and she told me that this was not a last-ditch thing.  Prayer is what God called us to do and through the "Praying for Kelsey" page on facebook, I went to battle for my friend in the middle of the night many nights for three months.  I got up at 2 am on the nights that I was able to and spent an hour pouring through Scripture and praying through them.  I begged God for my friend's life.  I pleaded with him to comfort and bless her and her family.  I cried a lot and I experienced God's presence in very special ways. 

There was the day that I went to drop off a gift for her.  I texted Kelsey and didn't want to bother her so I was just going to leave it on her porch.  She asked me to stay and her mom took Jordan outside to play so we could sit together.  She was in so much pain but still so feisty.  She told me that she expected to be invited to Marcus' shower (we didn't know he was a boy yet!).  I found out he was a boy two days later and texted her and she was so excited to hear that and reminded me again that she wanted to come to his shower.

Finally, there was the hospital.  I went to see her and was so blessed by her.  I went a few days later with our girl's group and we prayed and sang with her.  It was a pretty rushed time because they had to do a procedure in the middle of it.  When we went in to say goodbye, she asked us to sing some more.  Our friend Angie sang "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" to her and we all listened and watched.  It was one of those moments I will never, ever forget.  I wanted to close my eyes because the reality of what was happening was too much.  But I couldn't because I wanted to soak that moment in.  Angie sang and Kelsey sang.  I couldn't hear her because she was so weak but her eyes were closed and she was worshipping.  I stood there with tears streaming down my face, taking it in.  It was beautiful and horrible at the same time.  The memory of her determination to worship despite the circumstances will always be an encouragement to me.

Then the last time I saw her.  Another time of singing and praying.  And when I left her room,  I kissed her on the cheek and told her I loved her.  She told me she loved me and I knew that I would never see her again in this life.  It was strangely peaceful.

She died a few days later and grief has come and gone.  There are times that I want to pick up the phone and call her and realize I can't.  I've come across several hand-written cards that started the tears flowing. 

In between all of those moments with Kelsey that stand out are countless hugs at church, times of hanging out, phone calls, texts, notes, and other great memories.  She was such a wonderful, faithful, and loyal friend.  She was one of a kind.  We could be crying together one moment and laughing hysterically at something another moment later. 

And the crazy thing is, there are so many friends who have the same experience with her.  Kelsey had a way of investing in people and making them think that they were the most important person in the world.  I know of many people who she reached out to because she heard they had had a miscarriage or were going through sometime she had experienced.  I don't know how she managed all of her friendships but she was loyal to every single one of them.  She was the best.

The investment she made in me will last a lifetime. I've learned so much from the conversations we had, but also in the way she lived.  I learned about the ways that I failed as a friend and also that I can always start new and do better the next time.  God gave Kelsey as a gift for so many people and I am thankful to be on of those who got to enjoy her while she was here.

A Place to Call Home...

It's hard to believe we have lived in this house for four years.  When we moved here, we felt so silly living in such a big house.  We were in the adoption process, but it was just the two of us at that point.  We had only been back from Africa for a year and were living in a one bedroom apartment.  We really didn't have a lot of things.  In fact, we had some funny-looking empty spaces throughout this home.  But God had given us the opportunity to live here for very low rent (we weren't aware of how low at the time!) and we were excited to move here, especially since we hoped to bring home a baby or two into this home.

We love this house.  We have some wonderful memories.  We brought home two little boys and all they know is this home.  We've walked hundreds of miles around this neighborhood.  Jordan can tell you the way home from any point on our walks.  We've laughed at our "hippie" neighbors and seen four classes of OU students move in and move out.  We've had snow, tornadoes, and torrential rain come through and we've watched it all through the big windows in the front of the house.  Jordan took his first steps in this living room.  Marcus is crawling all over this house like it's his domain.  It's been a blast.

But all the while, we knew that this was not our permanent home.  We knew the day would come that we had to leave and June 26, 2015 is that day.  We are sad, but very excited about our next stop.  I married a man who longs to live overseas, so every stop is temporary.  But he married a girl who loves to be home, so every stop we make becomes our home.  Our world map shower curtain goes up and I decorate.  We're bringing our belongings and making a new house our new home.  And the way it's happened has been incredible.

We've known that mid-July is when we need to be out of this home, but I decided that May or June would be better since my parents are coming to Norman in July and we will be moving them in.  Plus, my sister is getting married and it would be nice to be settled during all of the crazy that will be happening those two months!  So, we put the word out and started looking.  We called a man who owns several homes in town and has a great reputation and he told us to call back in two weeks (this was in the beginning of April).

Thirteen days later, something came out of nowhere.  A precious family from our church contacted us to let us know they would have a home available and if everything worked out, they would let us live there for $50 cheaper than we live here.  We never saw the home, other than on the outside.  They had some details to work out before we knew for sure.  We waited two weeks and then God closed the door.  We weren't upset with this family because things happen and clearly God wanted us to live somewhere else, but it was hard.  It was such a great situation...a fenced yard and three bedrooms.  Anyone who rents in Norman knows that those two things = very expensive!

This is when things got tough.  I started to worry.  What if God wants us to live in a two-bedroom apartment?  Why would he make us think that we could live in a three-bedroom house and then take that away?  What if I'm not content enough and God wants to teach me to be more grateful? Etc.  So many battles in my mind about God's goodness and his willingness to provide.  I was forced to confront what I believed about God and where my heart truly was.  True, space is better when you have two little boys, but can I be happy with God's provision, no matter what that was?  Can I content myself with down-sizing and getting rid of some of our stuff?  What if God wants to put us somewhere to share His love with a neighbor who needed us to be there? 

Every five minutes was a new thought and a new truth to consider.  My heart was exposed.  It wasn't all horrible.  There were times that I would see a listing online and imagine us living there and get excited about it.  I tried to look for the good in every place and God kept closing doors.  A two-bedroom duplex with a backyard? It seemed to work ok, but I just didn't have a peace about it, especially because the yard was disconnected from the home.  A two-bedroom condo in a neighborhood we love? The balcony was too dangerous for Jordan.  We saw places and just could not find the right one.

Then, God did it.  He has provided in a way that we NEVER saw coming.  And once again, He has used His people to love on us and bless us.  A gal from our church messaged me on Monday and said that they wanted to offer their rental to us at a discounted price.  (I had seen this house on facebook and didn't even look because I knew it was out of our price range).  I messaged her back and told her our budget and thank her for thinking of us.  Then she shocked me by saying that they knew that our budget was low and wanted to bless us with this house...in a great neighborhood, with a fenced yard, three bedrooms, a storm shelter...and a pool!  WHAT???  Their generosity just blows me away.  It is such a testimony of their faith in the Lord to sacrifice profit so that we can have a home that is not only comfortable, but beautiful.

We saw the house on Sunday and loved it.  My mind is spinning with how to decorate and how much Jordan & Marcus are going to love it. 

To be honest, my first reaction was to say no.  It's too much.  We do not deserve to live in a home like this and it feels weird to enjoy things like a pool when we struggle so much financially.  But we asked and God provided.  He laid it on this couple's heart to be a blessing and it would be wrong for us to refuse what He is choosing to bless us with.  So we move in June 26th.

In light of the grace God has shown us, we have made two commitments about this home:

1. We will ENJOY living there!  We're going to swim all summer.  We're going to play in the yard.  We're going to decorate it and go for walks and make lots of memories.  We're going to have Thanksgiving dinner and put up Christmas lights.  God gives good gifts and this is a really good one!

2. We will use it to bless others.  We will have people over to swim and play with us.  We will invite people to use the storm shelter with us.  We will invite our neighbors and our friends who need to know about Jesus.  This home is now just for us to enjoy, but for us to open the door and allow others to enjoy with us.

We are so blessed and so thankful for our next adventure!

Life Verse

Many years ago, some friends had a family Bible that they asked us to sign.  It was a super neat idea.  Everyone would write their names next to their "life verse".  I had several friends who had a life verse.  They all sounded really great and spiritual and I felt the pressure to find mine.  I don't remember what I picked.  Clearly, it made an impact on my life!  I'm sure it was something about persevering or running a good race or something from Ephesians 1.  I wanted my life verse to reflect my level of spirituality.  I wanted it to define me. 

Well, God has given me a life verse.  It's a verse that we teach our children.  It's a simple verse. I remember singing it as a child to a cute little tune (actually, the tune haunts me when I don't want to dwell on this verse!).  God has given this verse to me more than any other verse in His word. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

It's pretty simple.  I don't know anything.  God knows everything.  All I have to do is acknowledge Him and trust Him.  He will lead me to where I need to go.

And yet, when Satan attacks me with those fiery darts, I turn to my self-pity and my worry.  I turn to my desire to control my life.  And all it does is leave me anxious and doubting God who has proven to me over and over again that He is my provider.

When I desperately wanted a baby and it just wouldn't happen.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

God led us down a winding path, through times of waiting, past closed doors, through all the paperwork, to one adoption agency, to another adoption agency, and eventually to Jordan.

When we needed $5,000 to be able to finalize Jordan's adoption.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

God gave us the perfect amount from two different places within days.

When we found out two days later that we needed another $5,000 to finalize.  So discouraging!  We didn't think there was any way that God could do it again.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

I ended up sobbing in the frozen section at Homeland because I received a call that someone had walked in and paid our entire bill.

When we had to leave Baby Jake at the hospital with his birthmom.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

We got to be a part of an amazing story and we had the opportunity to shower Baby Jake and his family with love by giving everything we had been given to them.

When we had two more losses.  Two sweet baby girls we didn't get to bring home.  I thought it was hopeless.  I didn't understand.  I was terrified to risk my heart again but I desperately wanted another child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

Less than two weeks later, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test.  And God had blessed us with Marcus.

And here I am again.  At a point where I am tired and frustrated with a situation.  All we've done is wait.  And all I want to do is take matters into my own hand.  We are looking at what we thought was an answer to prayer and praying that it will be the answer we desire.  And yet, there is a chance that we will have to move on and wait some more for God to provide.  And I wonder, can He do it again?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

You would think I would learn my lesson!  And in the waiting, I am fighting to take my thoughts captive and dwell on the truth that God has hammered into my heart over and over and over.  And by the looks of it, this will be a life-long lesson.
 

Catching Up

I am always thinking of things to write about.  God is continually teaching me lessons and my intention is always to write them down, but I never quite get to it.  I'm going to TRY (famous last words!) to get better at this.  I honestly don't care if anyone reads this blog...it's just for my own benefit.  I really enjoy going back and refreshing my memory on what God has taught me and what he has done.  Plus, it's nice to keep a record for the kids if they ever want to take a walk back in time!

So, the last time I wrote was Jordan's third birthday.  A lot has happened since then.  It's been quite a time.  I had back surgery on January 14th which has been a challenge to just do normal life and has also buried us (officially) in medical debt.  I am much better but still experiencing quite a bit of pain.  Physical therapy has been a blessing but I still feel  quite a ways from "normal".

Marcus is huge and Jordan is still Jordan!  He really is starting to love on Marcus which of course makes Marcus' day.  We are moving in the next couple of months and I am still trying to decide on whether to put them in the same room or keep them separate.  I would love for them to be in the same room eventually, but neither of them are sleeping through the night enough to make it an easy transition.  I still have some time...

We are getting close to an official diagnosis for Jordan of Sensory Processing Disorder.  It's been a rough road, but knowing what it is makes it easier for me to be patient with him.  He is brilliantly smart and has an incredible personality, but just cannot keep himself under control when he is with other kids.  It's constant biting, hitting, and pushing (and me apologizing).  On top of that, he is a big distraction when he is in his classes at church.  It's hard but I know that recognizing it and helping him early will be the best way to help him and with God's help, he should be fine.  I look forward to what God is going to do with his precious life!

So, that's where we are.  Moving, but not sure where.  On the verge of intervention with Jordan's SPD.  Constant back pain. Graduate school.  Grammy and Pappa headed home soon.  Abby getting married.  Plus all kinds of other things going on.  But God's my constant and is my ever-present help!

Three!

Dear Jordan,

You have been looking forward to today for five months!  I'm not kidding, since your first friend in your class had her birthday, you've been arguing and begging for your birthday to come.  And it's finally hear and little guy, you birthday-ed yourself out today!  You went to the gym with me and announced to everyone we passed that you were three and it was your birthday.  We played outside.  We wore silly hats.  We ate Mexican food....you tore it up!  You opened presents.  You had at least one meltdown.  And you ate cake.  In fact, your dad gave you one last piece of cake before bed and you just had to put your hat on.  It's almost as if you had to squeeze every last ounce out of the day.

Buddy, that is how you live your life.  You are passionate..  You play hard, you fight hard, you love hard.  Your energy level is incredible and now that you know how to talk, you ask a million questions.  But nothing you do is more special to me than your snuggles and how you tell me and your Dad that you love us.  You are so sweet and kind that it makes it easy to forgive the fits and the exhausting moments.

You have made great strides this year!  You have really learned a lot of self-control.  Sometimes when we see you start to "lose it", we will tell you to take a breath and it helps.  Well now, sometimes I will watch you play and you get frustrated, and then you stop and take a breath.  It's amazing to watch you learn and grow.

Speaking of playing, you have the best imagination.  I never know what you are picturing in your head while you play with your trucks and set up little tracks for your trains to run on.  Sometimes, I feel like I could sit and watch you play for hours.

Buddy, the easiest way to say this is: "I adore you."  You are a one of a kind, special boy and a gift to our family.  I love everything about you, even the hard things because that is exactly who God created you to be.  He will take those stubborn tendencies and fiery passions and make you into a man you loves God and can serve him whole-heartedly...which is how you do everything now!

I love you and Happy Birthday!!

Mom

 

A Year Changes Everything

One year today, a baby girl was born.  We named her Ruby and were itching to get to the hospital and hold her and bring her home.  We had spent a couple of months getting to know her birthmom and getting used to the idea of having a girl around here.  Finally, a week before her due date, I decided to get her room ready.  I had hesitated because we had already had two adoptions fail in the previous year.  That was one of the hard things was packing up the room the previous two times.  But, this one looked good.  And what were the odds of us having another one go wrong?  So, I decorated it and sorted clothes and laughed at the idea of Blake dressing a girl.

Two days passed.  We waited and waited for someone to tell us we could go get her.  I started to get nervous, but still...the odds were with us.  This couldn't happen a third time.

We still have no idea what was really going on.  All we know is that on January 9th, we got The Call...again.  No baby girl.  Ruby would not be ours.  I don't remember much.  I remember calling the first person on my phone list...my poor Aunt Laurie who answered only to hear me sobbing and she couldn't do anything to help.  Jordan was sitting in his high chair watching me with a confused look on his face. At some point I went for a walk in the freezing rain that was coming down.  The Polks sent us pizza.  Blake's mom came over.  I really can barely remember anything except that feeling.  The feeling of being betrayed, afraid of the future, grieving over the loss, and despair over my inability to have biological children.  I desperately wished for that control that I wanted over my own life that other people seemed to have (Lies, I know!).

It was hard to see what God was doing.  What I didn't know is that I was already pregnant with a little boy.  I didn't see what was coming.

I didn't see Alison jumping up and down screaming "You're pregnant!" as I tried to process what that test was showing me.

I didn't see the joyous and completely shocked faces of our family and friends as we shared the news.

I didn't see the night of the baby dedication (before most of our church family knew the news) where we knew God had provided a baby but we still couldn't bring ourselves to walk in that sanctuary, knowing that there were three babies that we dreamed of raising to walk with the Lord who were in other homes.

I didn't see the nausea and the difficulties of the first trimester.

I didn't see the day where we found out our baby was a boy and we gave him the name Marcus. 

I didn't see the surprisingly difficult task of packing up all of the girl clothes in that closet, but then the joy of pulling out all of our boy stuff and getting it ready.

I didn't see the laughs we would get from people's comments about how hot it would be all summer and how miserable I would be (like I hadn't already thought of that!).

I didn't see the misery of the last couple of weeks when I was practically begging my doctor to get him out.

I didn't see the crazy day when Marcus decided to come, right in the middle of an OU game that Blake was attending.

I didn't see the sweet little baby that they gave me to hold.  Oh, he is sweet.

I didn't see the evenings with my boys where Marcus just watched his brother and giggled at all of the funny things he did.

I didn't see any of this coming.  And yet, God did.  God knew exactly what was coming.  He had a plan.  I never lost faith, but I definitely asked questions.  I still have some questions.  But I do know that God is good.  That he gave us the desire for another baby and He gave us a baby, in his unique timing.  He worked miracles and gifted us with this precious baby boy who I just adore.  I am a Mommy of two boys and I wouldn't change my life for anything.  Because I know that I have exactly what I need. 

Wasted Time

I can't sugar-coat it...it's been a hard few days.  Let me explain how we got to where we're at with me on the couch and Blake being Mr. Mom.

About a month after Marcus was born, I started to feel pain in my hip (or so I thought).  I thought it was a muscle issue, but every time I went for a walk, it would get worse.  I felt the pain begin to radiate down my leg and into my foot.  Nothing made it feel better, even rest.  Then came the tingling and the sensation of a lump on the bottom of my foot.  I figured that it was about time to seek professional advice!

My family doctor immediately suspected a disc issue and within two days, I had an x-ray and an MRI and went to visit a physical therapist.  While waiting for the test results, I went to several appointments with the therapist and nothing we did helped at all.  Finally the results were in...a very severe herniation of my L-5/S-1 disc.  I cried and the doctor was so compassionate and assured me that yes, I was too young for this nonsense.  Surgery was in my future.  The question was, what kind of surgery and could I be fixed?

We visited the neurosurgeon the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and loved him.  He was compassionate and reassuring.  We were excited to hear that my issue can be fixed with a procedure called a "microdiscectomy".  It's an out-patient surgery where he goes in and removes the part of the disc that is rubbing against my nerve.  It wasn't all good news.  My two lowest discs are degenerated, meaning that I've got to get it together and strengthen my core and get in better shape if I want to avoid future pain and surgery.

Sounds great, doc.  Fix me up and I'll get on it.  A pretty easy solution to my problem sounded like just want I needed.

Fast forward to Christmas Day.  I take my last ibuprofen and get ready for 5 days of increased pain as I prepared for surgery on December 31st.  We were ready.  Friends were planning on bringing us meals before and after.  Blake would be home in plenty of time for me to recover somewhat.  I started doing my pre-surgery soap every day in the shower.  Ready to go. 

The day before surgery, I was in a significant amount of pain but oh, so close to the finish line.  Then my phone rang.  It was a guy at the hospital calling to tell me how much our out of pocket would be.  OK.  Thought we had already figured that out, but fine.  "Your insurance has informed us that they are willing to cover $825.  So, that's going to be $22,000 that you will be responsible for.  You can either pay that in small amounts through our payment plan or you can bring $12,000 to the surgery and we'll just call it a day" (This is a summary).  Apparently this gentleman thought I was a Gaylord by the matter-of-fact way he told me this little nugget of information.  As I started sobbing, I managed to say "My husband will call you back."  Blake called back and said "Sorry, we're going to have to reschedule this surgery."

It was so perfect.  We had all the details worked out.  One more day of pain and then I was free to live my life again.  Nope.  Wrong.

So, we're in limbo.  I'm still avoiding the pain meds just in case they can squeeze me in early next week. (It's Friday afternoon and I'm still waiting).  The planner in me is stressing out because it was perfect...Blake was going to be home.  Meals would be provided.  Who is going to watch the kids?  How am I going to manage them until this? What if people who brought us meals don't want to do it again? Etc. Etc.

Then yesterday, I was putting Marcus in his swing and I felt it.  If you have back issues, you know what "it" feels like.  It's the immediate realization that something happened that you can'5 un-do and it's going to be a hard few days to two weeks coming up.  I spent all day yesterday on the couch.  It's not as bad as it's been before in the past, but it hurts and I can't do much with the kids.  I am beyond thankful that Blake is here.

So, what is God doing?  Well, I'm not completely sure, to be honest.  I've had my moments where I questioned what is going on.  It was too perfect.  I had a problem and it was going to be fixed.  Done.  Move on with my life.

But God has been pounding something into my heart the past couple of days.  Today is the day He made.  It's not what I thought it would be when I put my weekly calendar up on my fridge.  Today was healing day #2, not laying around day #2 waiting to find out if/when I can have surgery.  Today was supposed to be a day where I could go for a walk and experience life without the leg pain.  Instead, it's a day where I watch my husband work so hard to do the things around here that I'm supposed to be doing.  It's a day where Jordan climbs in my lap and says "Mommy, why are you sad?  Does your back hurt?"  Yes it does, sweet thing. 

But it's the day He made.  It's not a wasted day.  I have the kind of personality that measures the success of the day with of my to-do list.  Did I get the dishes done after every meal?  Excellent.  Did we go to the park? Great.  Did I make a dent in the laundry? Yep. Awesome.  Good, I did my job and brought glory to my Father.  On normal days, this might be the case but what is "normal" anyway?

I have examples in my head of women who are dear to me who used their "wasted time" to glorify God.  Kelsey wrote encouraging notes to me on days where she was suffering from cancer.  Ann prays for people while she is at home healing from cancer surgery.  I have something to do with today.  Just because I can't "do tasks" does not mean I am wasting the day.  I am responsible to glorify God with THIS DAY.  This day where I can barely walk.  This day when I have to ask my husband to put my baby in my lap so I can hold him.  This day when I won't make any progress on the house.  This day when I can't do tummy time with Marcus and when I can't take Jordan to the park. 

This is the day that the Lord has made.  Let me rejoice and be glad in it.  And not waste it bemoaning all of the things I can't do.  There is plenty for me to do right here on the couch while I wait to see what He will give me to do tomorrow.