Since my friend Kelsey died of cancer in July, the Lord has been bringing to my mind so many things that I learned from her. Sometime I will sit down and write them all down so I won't ever forget, but there is one specific thing He keeps laying on my heart that I wanted to write about now.
The way my friendship with Kelsey started just perfectly describes who Kelsey was. After our time in North Africa, I had joined a small group of girls who met every Tuesday night for prayer. At some point, Kelsey joined the group as well. We would each spend about five to ten minutes updating the group on our lives and specific prayer requests. Over time, we were able to go deep and bear one another's burdens through prayer. These girls are some of my dearest friends, even today.
One night, I shared my desire to have a baby and our struggle with infertility. I think it might have been one of Kelsey's first times to the group, but the very next day she called me and invited me to hang out with her. She told me all about her struggles with infertility and a miscarriage before she was able to give birth to Alexa. From that day on, she poured herself into our friendship. She was constantly checking on me, writing me notes, sending me Scripture, recommending books and songs to listen to, and spending time with me. It was a tough road to get to Jordan, but she was there every step of the way.
All the while, Kelsey would talk about other friendships or people she was meeting with. Other girls in the church would talk about how she had reached out to them when they had a miscarriage or were struggling with infertility. I was constantly amazed and how she was able to maintain so many relationships and yet, when I was spending time with her, she treated me like the most important person in her life.
The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens. She was so good at that. She was there for me on some of the hardest days of my life. What a gift!
So, you think I would have learned from her and been able to give back to her what she gave to me. I confess that I did not learn as much as I should have in time to really pour into her. I regret that I did not make myself as available to her in her great times of need. I was unsure of how to be there for her. I learned so much about prayer and really did commit myself to bearing her burdens through prayer, but it wasn't until a few months before she passed away that I realized how much more she needed from me. She needed people to be there for her.
Here are some qualifications the Holy Spirit did not add on to the command to "Bear one another's burdens". Some of these I struggled with more than others.
Bear one another's burdens...if you have been through what the person is going through.
Not many people know what it feels like to be told that there is nothing more than can be done to save them from cancer. I don't. I also don't know what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage, or lose a child, or be the victim of abuse. This does not excuse me from bearing someone's burdens. But if I know of someone who is walking a road that I have experience in, my responsibility to walk with them is even greater!
Bear one another's burdens...if you know exactly what to say.
I don't. Hardly ever. When someone cries, I get uptight and awkward. I don't know the perfect thing to say in every situation. All Kelsey needed was someone to listen and to walk through those days with her. This dawned on me one time during early May when I had gotten a gift for her that I knew she would like. I was really trying to find ways to encourage her, but I was afraid of getting in the way. I got it wrapped and ready and texted her to tell her I was headed her way to drop something off for her. I said that I would leave it on the porch so I wouldn't be a bother. She texted back and asked me to please come in. We ended up chatting for thirty minutes and her sweet Momma even played with Jordan so I could talk to her. It finally occurred to me that she didn't need me to give her gifts or write her the perfect card, she needed me to come sit with her and be her friend.
On another note, God has given us plenty of Scripture that we can share with one another. I know on my dark days, the things that still stay with me are the verses that people gave me to meditate on. God has equipped us with exactly what we need to say to one another...His Word.
Bear one another's burdens...if you have plenty of time.
Is there anything more important than meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ? If the world will tell we are God's children by our love for one another, then shouldn't we get busy doing this? Send a gift card, swing by and drop off a frozen meal, offer to clean, offer to watch kids, bring by ice cream or cookies. We are all busy but we should never be too busy that we can't do what God told us to do.
Bear one another's burdens...if you have everything together and your life is perfect.
This was my biggest mistake. I had a rough 2013 too. It was hard. Losing those babies to failed adoptions hurt. But, this did not give me the right to focus on myself and leave the bearing of my friend's burdens to the friends who weren't going through hard times. I need to take my eyes off of my own problems and look for how to help others. Everybody has hard times. If God tells me to do something and reminds me of someone who is hurting, it is sinful and selfish for me to wallow in my hard times. Sure, there was grieving to be done and it's not a bad thing to receive help from others, but there is a time to weep and then a time to get busy doing what God has called us to do.
Bear one another's burdens...if you are a paid staff member of a church.
I don't think much needs to be said about that!
Bear one another's burdens...if you that is your spiritual gift.
I understand that we all have things we are good at, but that doesn't excuse us from doing all the things God commands us to do. For example, just because I am not gifted at evangelism and it is hard for me does not mean I am excused from sharing the Gospel. So, just because you are not creative in ways to serve or really good and talking to someone who is hurting does not excuse you from obeying what God has commanded. He promises to show Himself strong in our weaknesses. Let him use you!
I'm sure there are other excuses that I'm not thinking of. These are just some that came to mind. I am thankful that I realized the best way to meet Kelsey's needs before it was too late. I am thankful for the visits we did have, especially the ones near the end, when she was in the hospital. I will always remember her beautiful face soaking in the hymns and songs we sang as a group around her bedside. I gained more from those experiences than I gave. I got to experience God's presence in ways I had never experienced Him because I was obedient and loved on my Sister in Christ.
The way my friendship with Kelsey started just perfectly describes who Kelsey was. After our time in North Africa, I had joined a small group of girls who met every Tuesday night for prayer. At some point, Kelsey joined the group as well. We would each spend about five to ten minutes updating the group on our lives and specific prayer requests. Over time, we were able to go deep and bear one another's burdens through prayer. These girls are some of my dearest friends, even today.
One night, I shared my desire to have a baby and our struggle with infertility. I think it might have been one of Kelsey's first times to the group, but the very next day she called me and invited me to hang out with her. She told me all about her struggles with infertility and a miscarriage before she was able to give birth to Alexa. From that day on, she poured herself into our friendship. She was constantly checking on me, writing me notes, sending me Scripture, recommending books and songs to listen to, and spending time with me. It was a tough road to get to Jordan, but she was there every step of the way.
All the while, Kelsey would talk about other friendships or people she was meeting with. Other girls in the church would talk about how she had reached out to them when they had a miscarriage or were struggling with infertility. I was constantly amazed and how she was able to maintain so many relationships and yet, when I was spending time with her, she treated me like the most important person in her life.
The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens. She was so good at that. She was there for me on some of the hardest days of my life. What a gift!
So, you think I would have learned from her and been able to give back to her what she gave to me. I confess that I did not learn as much as I should have in time to really pour into her. I regret that I did not make myself as available to her in her great times of need. I was unsure of how to be there for her. I learned so much about prayer and really did commit myself to bearing her burdens through prayer, but it wasn't until a few months before she passed away that I realized how much more she needed from me. She needed people to be there for her.
Here are some qualifications the Holy Spirit did not add on to the command to "Bear one another's burdens". Some of these I struggled with more than others.
Bear one another's burdens...if you have been through what the person is going through.
Not many people know what it feels like to be told that there is nothing more than can be done to save them from cancer. I don't. I also don't know what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage, or lose a child, or be the victim of abuse. This does not excuse me from bearing someone's burdens. But if I know of someone who is walking a road that I have experience in, my responsibility to walk with them is even greater!
Bear one another's burdens...if you know exactly what to say.
I don't. Hardly ever. When someone cries, I get uptight and awkward. I don't know the perfect thing to say in every situation. All Kelsey needed was someone to listen and to walk through those days with her. This dawned on me one time during early May when I had gotten a gift for her that I knew she would like. I was really trying to find ways to encourage her, but I was afraid of getting in the way. I got it wrapped and ready and texted her to tell her I was headed her way to drop something off for her. I said that I would leave it on the porch so I wouldn't be a bother. She texted back and asked me to please come in. We ended up chatting for thirty minutes and her sweet Momma even played with Jordan so I could talk to her. It finally occurred to me that she didn't need me to give her gifts or write her the perfect card, she needed me to come sit with her and be her friend.
On another note, God has given us plenty of Scripture that we can share with one another. I know on my dark days, the things that still stay with me are the verses that people gave me to meditate on. God has equipped us with exactly what we need to say to one another...His Word.
Bear one another's burdens...if you have plenty of time.
Is there anything more important than meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ? If the world will tell we are God's children by our love for one another, then shouldn't we get busy doing this? Send a gift card, swing by and drop off a frozen meal, offer to clean, offer to watch kids, bring by ice cream or cookies. We are all busy but we should never be too busy that we can't do what God told us to do.
Bear one another's burdens...if you have everything together and your life is perfect.
This was my biggest mistake. I had a rough 2013 too. It was hard. Losing those babies to failed adoptions hurt. But, this did not give me the right to focus on myself and leave the bearing of my friend's burdens to the friends who weren't going through hard times. I need to take my eyes off of my own problems and look for how to help others. Everybody has hard times. If God tells me to do something and reminds me of someone who is hurting, it is sinful and selfish for me to wallow in my hard times. Sure, there was grieving to be done and it's not a bad thing to receive help from others, but there is a time to weep and then a time to get busy doing what God has called us to do.
Bear one another's burdens...if you are a paid staff member of a church.
I don't think much needs to be said about that!
Bear one another's burdens...if you that is your spiritual gift.
I understand that we all have things we are good at, but that doesn't excuse us from doing all the things God commands us to do. For example, just because I am not gifted at evangelism and it is hard for me does not mean I am excused from sharing the Gospel. So, just because you are not creative in ways to serve or really good and talking to someone who is hurting does not excuse you from obeying what God has commanded. He promises to show Himself strong in our weaknesses. Let him use you!
I'm sure there are other excuses that I'm not thinking of. These are just some that came to mind. I am thankful that I realized the best way to meet Kelsey's needs before it was too late. I am thankful for the visits we did have, especially the ones near the end, when she was in the hospital. I will always remember her beautiful face soaking in the hymns and songs we sang as a group around her bedside. I gained more from those experiences than I gave. I got to experience God's presence in ways I had never experienced Him because I was obedient and loved on my Sister in Christ.
Really insightful, Carol Ann. Every minister and minister-member would do well to meditate on your list of "qualifications" God did NOT give to that verse!
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