The first two blog posts came easy. But it's been three weeks, so I figured I probably better finish the series. I would hate to leave you thinking that I'm just this strong-minded Supermom who decided to lose weight and just did it. That's not the truth. It's not even close to the truth. What is true is that God brought me face to face with my ugly, deep-rooted sin that had a hold of my heart. And then, because He is good, He equipped me with the tools I needed to battle with this sin. And it's a battle that I am literally fighting right now, as I sit here writing this.
So, to summarize the first two posts:
The Bad - Over 200 pounds. A slave to food. Back surgery. Facing a life of pain management and degenerated discs. No self-control and constant discouragement.
The Good - Going to the gym consistently. Lifting weights. Slow change over time. Encouragement of friends and family. Getting strong.
OK, now to the ugly. Sigh. This is going to take a while.
It was a year ago. The day before Thanksgiving. I had a conversation with a good friend who has been alongside me on this journey for a long time. She called me and was trying to encourage me about how I could persevere even though my support system (aka bribing myself to do good things group) had fallen apart. I was facing the start of the holiday season and just decided to do my best. The same as every holiday season.
What she did was encourage me to set boundaries. It was something she had learned from "Taste for Truth" a Bible study that she had done. I was skeptical, but liked the idea. I didn't think I could stick to a calorie goal on Thanksgiving day, but I told her that I would only eat one plate of food. Well, surprise surprise, I didn't stick to the boundary I set for myself. I mean, really. One serving of Thanksgiving food? My favorite foods? They are only available one day a year! How could I only have one serving? If I am ever on death row (I don't anticipate this, by the way), and I chose my last meal, it would be Thanksgiving food. So, of course, like every year, I went to town on the food. And this pace of eating continued the next day, and the next day, and so on and so forth. You know the drill...it's the holidays.
A few days after we got home, I got that Bible study in the mail as a gift from my friend. Of course, I was a few pounds heavier than the day before Thanksgiving and feeling disgusted with myself. So, I was ready to try it.
Here's the premise: Boundaries are good. God wants us to set boundaries and breaking them is sinful. We don't get a day off from every other battle with sin, so why would we give ourselves permission to break our boundaries.
There's more to it than that, but that's what I was hearing. And here's my response: "The rest of my life? As if! Every day? I can't do that. And why would I want to? I can control myself. This lady doesn't know what she's talking about. I don't have a problem. I just need to try harder."
And over the course of the next few weeks, I gain a half pound here, a half pound there. I was still working out, but I was in this avalanche of food and couldn't stop. By Christmas day, I was ready to face the sin that God had made it clear that I was living in. Most of the time, I start my diets on New Years day so I can have that extra week to eat the Christmas candy and treats that were left over. But this time, I was done. I was done with it all. I was appalled at myself and how much I had gained back. But more than anything, my sin was laid bare in front of me.
So here's what God showed me about my relationship with food:
I am an entitlement eater, not an emotional eater.
I thought I didn't have a problem with food because I don't eat emotionally. When I have a rough day, I am more inclined to lay on the couch and binge-watch a tv show than I am to go get ice cream or over-eat. So, I never really faced the negative view of food that I have. But God showed me that instead of running to food to comfort myself, I was eating food to get my share/my portion. Let me explain...
I grew up overseas. One of the things that I remember so well as a child is looking forward to "American food". People would come visit us and bring special things we couldn't get...I can't even remember what the list was, except for Dr. Pepper was always on it! And because they were special, they were in limited supply. In no way do I fault my family for this, but my attitude was always to get my share. Since it was rare and special, I wanted to make sure I got what was my portion. So, when my mom got marshmallow creme and made her amazing fudge...I ate and ate and ate to make sure that I got at least my share. My metabolism and activity level hid my problem well!
Then as I grew up, my metabolism slowed down and I began to gain some weight. But I still didn't see the problem. When we went to Morocco for two years, the same thing happened. People would visit and bring us special American foods...Dr. Pepper, poptarts, candy, etc. I would immediately divide them into equal portions. One friend of Blake's who came to visit started eating out of my stash and I almost LOST. MY. MIND. "How DARE he eat a Reese's peanut butter cup? That is mine. He can get one any time. I never get them. The audacity."
Ugly, right?
Well, it turns out this entitlement and getting my share isn't limited to living overseas or to special foods.
Here's an example: I make 24 chocolate chip cookies. There are 4 of us in this house. So that's 6 cookies per person. My intention is never to eat 6 cookies (or more, because the kids don't need 6) that day. I plan on eating them slowly over the next few days as I have calories available. But Blake comes home and eats 4. So he's at a faster pace than I am so I need to pick up the pace or he's going to eat mine. So I do, and before you know it, the cookies are gone.
Entitlement eating. I want my share. My portion. It's irrational. I could go to Walmart, buy the supplies and make more chocolate chip cookies at any point. But, I want what's mine. I deserve what is mine.
Ugly and selfish.
So, through several weeks of time in Scripture, the Lord brought a couple ofverses to me that I have memorized and then used to approach my selfish and unhealthy relationship to food.
Romans 13:14
"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify it's desires."
Psalm 16:5-6
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
So, two things:
1. I am constantly to be renewing my mind and setting aside the desires of the flesh. For me, this means daily committing to this battle. Every day, and sometimes more often, I go to the Lord and ask for His strength to make good choices. Does this mean that I am perfect every day? Not even close. I've probably failed more days than I have succeeded. But every day, I recommit. Sometimes every hour. I think about what I will be doing that day and plan my eating ahead of time. I readjust when there are surprises. There are no "I'll start again tomorrow" allowances or "I'll start again Monday" days. It's an awareness of the potential that I could be taken over again by my flesh and start pursuing food instead of Jesus. The potential is always there. But so is Jesus.
2. I have to recognize that the portion God has given me is good. I know how many calories it takes to feed my body to be able to do what I need to do. That is enough to nourish my body and to enjoy food. If that day includes a cookie or two and I am still within my limits, that is good. If I don't get to exercise and am more limited, saying no to extra treats is good too. God has given me some very clear boundaries and they are for my good. He is not with-holding good things from me. I struggle with the same thing in finances. My portion is secure. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.
So, what are my boundaries?
1. Stick to my calorie allotment every day for the rest of my life. I have five exceptions...my birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving day, and Christmas. I also have made the exception that fruits and veggies don't get counted. So at the end of the day, if I have not done well, I don't have to starve. I figure if I get fat on bananas and snow peas, then more power to me.
2. No second helpings except for vegetables and fruits.
3. No drinking pop (soda for you non-Okies) that I pay for. This has helped me immensely financially too!
Are they easy? No. Are they for my good? Yes. Will it ever be easy to stick to them? Probably not. Is God good and forgiving when I fail? Always. Does He give me everything I need to overcome? Absolutely.
So, there you have it. I hope that when you notice that I've lost weight, you see God's work in my life. He could have left me where I was.
He didn't and I owe Him everything.
So, to summarize the first two posts:
The Bad - Over 200 pounds. A slave to food. Back surgery. Facing a life of pain management and degenerated discs. No self-control and constant discouragement.
The Good - Going to the gym consistently. Lifting weights. Slow change over time. Encouragement of friends and family. Getting strong.
OK, now to the ugly. Sigh. This is going to take a while.
It was a year ago. The day before Thanksgiving. I had a conversation with a good friend who has been alongside me on this journey for a long time. She called me and was trying to encourage me about how I could persevere even though my support system (aka bribing myself to do good things group) had fallen apart. I was facing the start of the holiday season and just decided to do my best. The same as every holiday season.
What she did was encourage me to set boundaries. It was something she had learned from "Taste for Truth" a Bible study that she had done. I was skeptical, but liked the idea. I didn't think I could stick to a calorie goal on Thanksgiving day, but I told her that I would only eat one plate of food. Well, surprise surprise, I didn't stick to the boundary I set for myself. I mean, really. One serving of Thanksgiving food? My favorite foods? They are only available one day a year! How could I only have one serving? If I am ever on death row (I don't anticipate this, by the way), and I chose my last meal, it would be Thanksgiving food. So, of course, like every year, I went to town on the food. And this pace of eating continued the next day, and the next day, and so on and so forth. You know the drill...it's the holidays.
A few days after we got home, I got that Bible study in the mail as a gift from my friend. Of course, I was a few pounds heavier than the day before Thanksgiving and feeling disgusted with myself. So, I was ready to try it.
Here's the premise: Boundaries are good. God wants us to set boundaries and breaking them is sinful. We don't get a day off from every other battle with sin, so why would we give ourselves permission to break our boundaries.
There's more to it than that, but that's what I was hearing. And here's my response: "The rest of my life? As if! Every day? I can't do that. And why would I want to? I can control myself. This lady doesn't know what she's talking about. I don't have a problem. I just need to try harder."
And over the course of the next few weeks, I gain a half pound here, a half pound there. I was still working out, but I was in this avalanche of food and couldn't stop. By Christmas day, I was ready to face the sin that God had made it clear that I was living in. Most of the time, I start my diets on New Years day so I can have that extra week to eat the Christmas candy and treats that were left over. But this time, I was done. I was done with it all. I was appalled at myself and how much I had gained back. But more than anything, my sin was laid bare in front of me.
So here's what God showed me about my relationship with food:
I am an entitlement eater, not an emotional eater.
I thought I didn't have a problem with food because I don't eat emotionally. When I have a rough day, I am more inclined to lay on the couch and binge-watch a tv show than I am to go get ice cream or over-eat. So, I never really faced the negative view of food that I have. But God showed me that instead of running to food to comfort myself, I was eating food to get my share/my portion. Let me explain...
I grew up overseas. One of the things that I remember so well as a child is looking forward to "American food". People would come visit us and bring special things we couldn't get...I can't even remember what the list was, except for Dr. Pepper was always on it! And because they were special, they were in limited supply. In no way do I fault my family for this, but my attitude was always to get my share. Since it was rare and special, I wanted to make sure I got what was my portion. So, when my mom got marshmallow creme and made her amazing fudge...I ate and ate and ate to make sure that I got at least my share. My metabolism and activity level hid my problem well!
Then as I grew up, my metabolism slowed down and I began to gain some weight. But I still didn't see the problem. When we went to Morocco for two years, the same thing happened. People would visit and bring us special American foods...Dr. Pepper, poptarts, candy, etc. I would immediately divide them into equal portions. One friend of Blake's who came to visit started eating out of my stash and I almost LOST. MY. MIND. "How DARE he eat a Reese's peanut butter cup? That is mine. He can get one any time. I never get them. The audacity."
Ugly, right?
Well, it turns out this entitlement and getting my share isn't limited to living overseas or to special foods.
Here's an example: I make 24 chocolate chip cookies. There are 4 of us in this house. So that's 6 cookies per person. My intention is never to eat 6 cookies (or more, because the kids don't need 6) that day. I plan on eating them slowly over the next few days as I have calories available. But Blake comes home and eats 4. So he's at a faster pace than I am so I need to pick up the pace or he's going to eat mine. So I do, and before you know it, the cookies are gone.
Entitlement eating. I want my share. My portion. It's irrational. I could go to Walmart, buy the supplies and make more chocolate chip cookies at any point. But, I want what's mine. I deserve what is mine.
Ugly and selfish.
So, through several weeks of time in Scripture, the Lord brought a couple ofverses to me that I have memorized and then used to approach my selfish and unhealthy relationship to food.
Romans 13:14
"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify it's desires."
Psalm 16:5-6
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
So, two things:
1. I am constantly to be renewing my mind and setting aside the desires of the flesh. For me, this means daily committing to this battle. Every day, and sometimes more often, I go to the Lord and ask for His strength to make good choices. Does this mean that I am perfect every day? Not even close. I've probably failed more days than I have succeeded. But every day, I recommit. Sometimes every hour. I think about what I will be doing that day and plan my eating ahead of time. I readjust when there are surprises. There are no "I'll start again tomorrow" allowances or "I'll start again Monday" days. It's an awareness of the potential that I could be taken over again by my flesh and start pursuing food instead of Jesus. The potential is always there. But so is Jesus.
2. I have to recognize that the portion God has given me is good. I know how many calories it takes to feed my body to be able to do what I need to do. That is enough to nourish my body and to enjoy food. If that day includes a cookie or two and I am still within my limits, that is good. If I don't get to exercise and am more limited, saying no to extra treats is good too. God has given me some very clear boundaries and they are for my good. He is not with-holding good things from me. I struggle with the same thing in finances. My portion is secure. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.
So, what are my boundaries?
1. Stick to my calorie allotment every day for the rest of my life. I have five exceptions...my birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving day, and Christmas. I also have made the exception that fruits and veggies don't get counted. So at the end of the day, if I have not done well, I don't have to starve. I figure if I get fat on bananas and snow peas, then more power to me.
2. No second helpings except for vegetables and fruits.
3. No drinking pop (soda for you non-Okies) that I pay for. This has helped me immensely financially too!
Are they easy? No. Are they for my good? Yes. Will it ever be easy to stick to them? Probably not. Is God good and forgiving when I fail? Always. Does He give me everything I need to overcome? Absolutely.
So, there you have it. I hope that when you notice that I've lost weight, you see God's work in my life. He could have left me where I was.
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