Happy Father's Day Blake!

Dear Jordan,

Today is your Dad's third Father's Day.  It's hard to believe we've had you for that long.  I wanted to tell you about how great your Dad is.  Soon, you will be able to tell him yourself about all of the things that you love about him.  But let me help you out this year.

Your Dad is extremely special.  He loves Jesus.  He loves to serve and to read God's Word.  He loves to spend time in prayer.  When he is asked by anybody to do anything, he jumps at the chance to do it.  He gives up his Monday nights to lead a Bible Study in a prison.  He meets with guys every couple of weeks to pray and stay accountable to each other.  He goes to Bible Studies at church so he can learn and he spends time reading the Bible every day.  He teaches Sunday School.  He meets with Mr. Larry every Thursday so he can learn from an older, wiser man.  He takes every opportunity he can to learn and grow.  

I would also like you to know how much he loves his family.  He takes care of us by working extremely hard.  He gets up at 4:30 every morning and works fifty hours a week.  He doesn't have to get up so early, but he wants to put his hours in so that he can be home in time spend lots of time with us.  He trusts God to provide through his job and works hard to give God the glory at his job.  He shares his testimony and looks for ways to share deeply about God's Word.  He always stands up for what is true in conversations he has.

At home, he is quick to do the dishes or take out the trash.  He fixes things around the house and enjoys teaching you how to use tools.

Your Dad loves you, Buddy.  He is always willing for a good wrestling session or to ride your little cars all around the house.  He loves to take you to the zoo and play outside with you.  You are wild and he loves it.  He loves reading to you and watching Curious George with you.  He prays and sings with us every night.  He disciplines you when you need it because he wants you to grow up to know Jesus and to follow him. Your Dad doesn't care as much about you being happy and having whatever you want.  He leads by example what it means to be joyful and content with what we have.  And God has given us so much!

I could go on and on about your Dad.  He's pretty great and I love him very much.  I hope you always know that he loves you more than his own life.

Love,
Mom

Precious Images

Psalm 139:13-16 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

The other evening, my sweet sister offered to watch Jordan so Blake and I could go out to eat.  I think it was an under-handed excuse to snuggle with Jordan, eat popcorn, and watch Frozen...but whatever the reason, we are always grateful for a chance to go eat by ourselves.  We love our little man, but meal-time is not exactly relaxing.  I am always excited for a chance to eat without having to share my food!  Not to mention the fact that we can actually talk without the usual interruptions..."Jordan don't throw your spoon" and "Jordan stop climbing over the booth; those people are trying to enjoy their meal and don't need you interfering."

So, we went to Carino's, an Italian restaurant because we had a groupon.  We made the most of the opportunity.  We even had dessert and coffee.  We talked about several different things and enjoyed each other's company.  After nine years of marriage, we have not run out of things to talk about!  We laughed about the food that I inevitably got on my pregnant belly.  We talked about how excited we were to meet baby Marcus and see what he is going to be like.

Then, we laughed about the fact that if we had adopted Ruby, I would be very pregnant with a five month old.  It would definitely be quite the challenge!  I think the first trimester would have turned me into a maniac if I had a newborn on top of that.  But then, we both agreed that it would have been worth it.  You see, just because we have Marcus (and we are EXTREMELY thankful for his little life!), does not mean that we have forgotten about our three babies that we did not get to adopt.  

We also talked about how we wish we could have kept all three...Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  It was a sad moment for us as we reflected on those three sweet babies and how old they would be now.  We talked about how if we could have chosen one, we could not make the choice.  They are all very important to us.  In our hearts, we have five children, even if only two of them are actually ours to parent.  

It's not that I think about them all of the time anymore.  I go several days at a time without thinking about them and I'm sure that time-span will stretch as we get farther away from this season of our life.  We certainly don't dwell on the sadness when it surfaces.  We truly believe that God's plan is greater than we can know that He has His purposes for their lives and for ours.  

Later (when I couldn't sleep because of heart-burn!), I was reflecting on how these three babies can mean so much to us.  And I was thinking about all of my dear friends who have experienced similar losses. Friends who experienced miscarriages and stillbirths.  Loss before life outside the womb even begins.  It's the mystery of parenthood, and I think especially motherhood.  How is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met?  How is it that without holding a baby, you can feel so attached to it?  How is it that you can never replace a baby who is in heaven with a baby that you get to hold on earth?

I think the answer is in the verses above.  I think the fact that each person (whether they have left the womb or not) is the reason why each little person can mean so much to us.  We believe that God knit together Jordan, Jake, Amelia, Ruby, and Marcus.  He knows everything about each of them.  He knows how many days they will live and how they will live those days.  He knit them together perfectly just the way they are.  As we began to prepare to parent each of them, we loved them because of that value.  We loved them because we knew that God created them unique and we could not wait to see what that uniqueness was.  We couldn't wait to see what they looked like and how they would act.  We gave them names and loved them before they were in our arms.  They each are precious in God's sight and are precious in our sight.

As I said, this is not something we dwell on much anymore.  We are very excited about life with two boys and ready to get this little guy in our arms.  He is our longest wait by about 7 months, so time seems to be crawling!  I am just so thankful for God's loving hand over his life and trust that his days are exactly what God has written for him.

Sulphurin'

Blake grew up in Oklahoma and therefore has A LOT of childhood memories that we can relive with our children as long as we live here in Norman.  One of his favorite places in the world is Sulphur, Oklahoma.  It's a cute little town with a natural springs park in the middle of it.  There is hiking, which we have done before we had kiddos, but Blake's memories mostly involve days of playing in the water.  So, on our way home from Texas on our last trip, we made a stop and Jordan was introduced to the wonderful world of Sulphur!

It was fun before we even made it to the water!

Not sure if this cold water is worth getting into!

Happy Dad and happy kid!

He liked the rocks but the leafy and mossy areas freaked him out!

Down the waterfall

And the real fun...climbing up the waterfall!

It's A....

Boy!  On my parent's first day in the States, we had a little gender reveal party.  My sister Abby did a great job of keeping the secret and making the cake that we could cut into to see if we were having a boy or a girl.  We already had our names picked out and were prepared to reveal them when the cake was cut.  Here are some pictures of our party celebrating are sweet little Marcus Payne!

 Clearly, the crowd was leaning towards girl!

 Jordan almost ruined the surprise.

 Proud Papa of two boys!  Boys rule, girls drool...at least in this house!

Life, Lately

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post!  Almost 3 months.  Whew!  I have lots of excuses, but all of them are good, so no apologies!  My biggest excuse is that I spent the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy sick.  It took every ounce of energy to feed my child three times a day and give him a bath, so a lot of housework piled up.  But, now I am closing in on 22 weeks so I've had six weeks to enjoy life and catch up around the house.  We've also had a garage sale and welcomed my parents to OK for a 3 week trip (more on that in a minute!).

Jordan is growing like a weed and has become quite the little talker.  He is really into repeating words when he asks you what they are.  This kid is so smart.  It kind of scares me because he absorbs EVERYTHING!  I guess I'll have to start watching my language. :)

Our biggest update is that we are having another BOY!  We are naming him Marcus Payne Lindley.  I am so ready to have a house full of boys.  A girl would have made it even, but I love watching my two housemates wrestle and drive cars and play with balls.  Another boy just makes sense.

My mom and dad are here right now so we've been busy enjoying life with them.  Abby's graduation is tomorrow so we will have a busy couple of days, but hopefully next week will be full of the zoo and the science museum!  Jordan loves his grandparents.  I try not to think about the good-byes we will have to say in a couple of weeks.  Ugh, I just thought about it.

I have several updates with pictures that I can hopefully post soon.  I will try to get on that.  No promises, especially if I start getting sick again!  But supposedly, that's over.  Only 18 more weeks to go and we'll meet our newest little man!

An Unexpected Twist

Well, if you read this blog consistently, it's no secret that we have a great desire for more children.  Three failed adoptions later, that had not gone away.  However, my desire for adoption had begun to wane.  My biggest hang-up was...how can I love a birthmom and prepare for a baby with a hopeful heart after so much disappointment?  I was terrified of having to put my heart back out there, but frankly, I didn't have any other choice.  I wanted a second child so badly and as far as I knew, adoption was our only option.

Well, if you know anything about God, He always has a plan and it is better than anything you can imagine.  I had begun to suspect that something was going on because I felt sick all of the time, but in the years before Jordan came, I had tricked myself so many times into taking a pregnancy test because I felt "sick".  So I really put it into the back of my mind.

On January 22nd, I worked a volunteer shift at Eden clinic and though I might as well take a test since I was there!  I did a client intake and decided to do my test at the same time as my client.  Well, in a crazy turn of events, that second line changed immediately.  Alison, our nurse was there with me and began screaming and jumping up and down.  I just stood there with my mouth wide open.  She said that she thought I would be more excited, but the truth was, I was completely stunned.  I never, ever expected to be pregnant!  I was calm on the outside, but this is how I was on the inside:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYscemhnf88

Needless to say, Alison had to finish my appointment.  I was in a haze and there was no way I could produce enough comprehensive sentences to help this client the way she needed!  I called Blake and told him to come by the clinic and he figured it out before he even got there!

My first instinct was fear of miscarriage, but Blake wanted to start telling our families that day.  So, we did, and honestly since then I have had very little anxiety about this pregnancy.  Part of that probably had to do with the never-ending nausea I experienced for the first month or two.  But God has been good to allow me to see the baby a couple of times at Eden Clinic via ultrasound and everything is just textbook so far.

So, the lesson is, don't limit what God can do.  Just because He did not allow us to have a bio-baby when we wanted it did not mean that He did not intend me to experience infertility my whole life.

This baby is such a sweet blessing but has not been the "fix" for my broken heart.  I still grieve Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  I think about them all of the time.  This baby does not replace any of them, but is just another little person for us to fall in love with and give a precious name and plan on raising to know Jesus.  And poor Jordan has no idea what is coming!

I am eleven weeks today and starting to show.  Er, well, lets just say I don't look pregnant, but I can't suck it in. :)  This week our baby is the size of a lime and has well-developed limbs that he/she is wiggling around all of the time, even though I can't feel it yet!

Jordan is Two!

I'm sitting here looking at my little boy and realizing that there's no going back.  No more Baby Jordan.  Although I'm a little nostalgic, I am so thankful for the little boy that he is.  And I look forward to see God use him as he grows up.  I pray that Jesus will capture his heart, because he is a special little boy.  He is charming and sweet and spunky.  He has impeccable timing with his humor.  Jordan is a gift from God that we are celebrating today!

Jordan is a miracle in so many ways.  I am in awe at all the Lord had to do to preserve his life until birth.  God created him a unique little person and protected him when no one knew about him and then when some tried to pressure his birthmom to have an abortion.  He endured some scary stuff in the womb and came out perfectly.  I am thankful for his birthmom every day for choosing to continue in a pregnancy that could have cost her life.  I am thankful that they chose us to be his parents.  I am thankful for the way that they trusted us to raise him. 

Jordan's smile is precious.  Even a half-smile will melt your heart!  He has big brown eyes that sparkle when he is being silly.  He is dramatic and passionate.  When he's happy, he's happy.  When he's sad, he's sad.  He loves hard and fights hard!  He loves his Daddy more than anything.  The moment he comes home from work is the best moment of the day.  And when Dad is gone, it is a never ending stream of asking "Where's Dad?"

Jordan still is a terrible sleeper.  That hasn't changed from day one, but now we are used to it!  If he had his way, he would never be alone in his bed.  He has about 8 stuffed animals in there to keep him company, but if I would let him, he would sleep in bed with us.  But I don't let him...because I would never sleep.  He likes to be WITH people, which means he is curled up against my back or has his legs on top of my head.  This boy is a snuggler!  And every morning when he wakes up, he spends the first 15-30 minutes just snuggling.  If you skip that part, it gets him in a mood that you don't want any part of!

Jordan loves basketball, Elmo, trains, plains, trucks, and pretty much anything else a boy can love.  He loves hats.  He loves playing games.  If you play with him, he will be your best friend for life.

Jordan is just now starting to talk.  He is a good communicator, so maybe he just figures he doesn't need words.  He has an ever-growing vocabulary and every time he adds a new word, it just adds to his cuteness! He is an expert at animal noises, though! Lately, he loves reading.  As a mom, this is one of my favorite things!  You hope and hope that they will like to read, but don't know how to achieve that goal.  Well, he loves his books.  He more possessive of his books than he is his toys!

Jordan is fearfully and wonderfully made.  We love our little man so much.  Life just would not be the same without him.  It is crazy around here sometimes, but I could not ask for more.  We love you, Jordan Jack!!