An Unexpected Twist

Well, if you read this blog consistently, it's no secret that we have a great desire for more children.  Three failed adoptions later, that had not gone away.  However, my desire for adoption had begun to wane.  My biggest hang-up was...how can I love a birthmom and prepare for a baby with a hopeful heart after so much disappointment?  I was terrified of having to put my heart back out there, but frankly, I didn't have any other choice.  I wanted a second child so badly and as far as I knew, adoption was our only option.

Well, if you know anything about God, He always has a plan and it is better than anything you can imagine.  I had begun to suspect that something was going on because I felt sick all of the time, but in the years before Jordan came, I had tricked myself so many times into taking a pregnancy test because I felt "sick".  So I really put it into the back of my mind.

On January 22nd, I worked a volunteer shift at Eden clinic and though I might as well take a test since I was there!  I did a client intake and decided to do my test at the same time as my client.  Well, in a crazy turn of events, that second line changed immediately.  Alison, our nurse was there with me and began screaming and jumping up and down.  I just stood there with my mouth wide open.  She said that she thought I would be more excited, but the truth was, I was completely stunned.  I never, ever expected to be pregnant!  I was calm on the outside, but this is how I was on the inside:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYscemhnf88

Needless to say, Alison had to finish my appointment.  I was in a haze and there was no way I could produce enough comprehensive sentences to help this client the way she needed!  I called Blake and told him to come by the clinic and he figured it out before he even got there!

My first instinct was fear of miscarriage, but Blake wanted to start telling our families that day.  So, we did, and honestly since then I have had very little anxiety about this pregnancy.  Part of that probably had to do with the never-ending nausea I experienced for the first month or two.  But God has been good to allow me to see the baby a couple of times at Eden Clinic via ultrasound and everything is just textbook so far.

So, the lesson is, don't limit what God can do.  Just because He did not allow us to have a bio-baby when we wanted it did not mean that He did not intend me to experience infertility my whole life.

This baby is such a sweet blessing but has not been the "fix" for my broken heart.  I still grieve Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  I think about them all of the time.  This baby does not replace any of them, but is just another little person for us to fall in love with and give a precious name and plan on raising to know Jesus.  And poor Jordan has no idea what is coming!

I am eleven weeks today and starting to show.  Er, well, lets just say I don't look pregnant, but I can't suck it in. :)  This week our baby is the size of a lime and has well-developed limbs that he/she is wiggling around all of the time, even though I can't feel it yet!

Jordan is Two!

I'm sitting here looking at my little boy and realizing that there's no going back.  No more Baby Jordan.  Although I'm a little nostalgic, I am so thankful for the little boy that he is.  And I look forward to see God use him as he grows up.  I pray that Jesus will capture his heart, because he is a special little boy.  He is charming and sweet and spunky.  He has impeccable timing with his humor.  Jordan is a gift from God that we are celebrating today!

Jordan is a miracle in so many ways.  I am in awe at all the Lord had to do to preserve his life until birth.  God created him a unique little person and protected him when no one knew about him and then when some tried to pressure his birthmom to have an abortion.  He endured some scary stuff in the womb and came out perfectly.  I am thankful for his birthmom every day for choosing to continue in a pregnancy that could have cost her life.  I am thankful that they chose us to be his parents.  I am thankful for the way that they trusted us to raise him. 

Jordan's smile is precious.  Even a half-smile will melt your heart!  He has big brown eyes that sparkle when he is being silly.  He is dramatic and passionate.  When he's happy, he's happy.  When he's sad, he's sad.  He loves hard and fights hard!  He loves his Daddy more than anything.  The moment he comes home from work is the best moment of the day.  And when Dad is gone, it is a never ending stream of asking "Where's Dad?"

Jordan still is a terrible sleeper.  That hasn't changed from day one, but now we are used to it!  If he had his way, he would never be alone in his bed.  He has about 8 stuffed animals in there to keep him company, but if I would let him, he would sleep in bed with us.  But I don't let him...because I would never sleep.  He likes to be WITH people, which means he is curled up against my back or has his legs on top of my head.  This boy is a snuggler!  And every morning when he wakes up, he spends the first 15-30 minutes just snuggling.  If you skip that part, it gets him in a mood that you don't want any part of!

Jordan loves basketball, Elmo, trains, plains, trucks, and pretty much anything else a boy can love.  He loves hats.  He loves playing games.  If you play with him, he will be your best friend for life.

Jordan is just now starting to talk.  He is a good communicator, so maybe he just figures he doesn't need words.  He has an ever-growing vocabulary and every time he adds a new word, it just adds to his cuteness! He is an expert at animal noises, though! Lately, he loves reading.  As a mom, this is one of my favorite things!  You hope and hope that they will like to read, but don't know how to achieve that goal.  Well, he loves his books.  He more possessive of his books than he is his toys!

Jordan is fearfully and wonderfully made.  We love our little man so much.  Life just would not be the same without him.  It is crazy around here sometimes, but I could not ask for more.  We love you, Jordan Jack!!

Ruby

It's hard to believe that I am writing ANOTHER post about ANOTHER adoption that didn't happen.  ANOTHER sweet baby that we fell in love with, dreamed of, planned for, and gave a name.  ANOTHER round of grief...sadness, anger, and many tears.  And ANOTHER delay in our journey of trust as we wait for God to give us the children who are the desire of our hearts.

We found out about Ruby about three weeks after Millie's adoption was disrupted.  We were thrilled to be chosen so quickly and for another girl!  As excited as we were, I would be lying if I said that I was not anxious throughout the next two months.  But, we don't want to miss out on the excitement.  I was anxious, but honestly thought it would not be possible for us to have this happen again.  Everything was going smoothly.  Ruby's birthmom was very sweet and we texted back and forth quite a bit.  A couple of times we lost contact with her, but tried not to be too anxious about that because that is not completely uncommon.  She kept coming back.

We named the baby Ruby Dalayna.  Dalayna was the name chosen by the birthmom and we chose Ruby, after my great-grandmother, Ruby Reed Williams.  Both my mom and my grandfather teared up when we told them the name we had chosen.  I felt confident that this one would stick...confident enough to give her a treasured family name.  My confidence was more based in statistics than in the Lord...how could we possibly have three adoptions disrupted in nine months??  Looking back, I ignored some red flags...or God protected me from seeing them.

The process of how the adoption plan fell apart is somewhat of a mystery to me.  Deaconess has always been good at telling us exactly what we need to know.  There are many details that I do not know (and that is okay), but I do know that Ruby's birthmom decided to keep her.  To be frank, there were things that happened that broke my heart.  When we first met, I opened up and told her our story...our infertility, disappointments, and losses.  I cried.  I genuinely believe her intentions were good and I want to believe that they stayed good until the end.  But I really don't know.  I have struggled with some bitterness towards her.  I completely understand her decision to keep the baby, I just wish she knew how broken we are.  That sounds so selfish when I read it back, but it's the truth.

Ruby was born on January 7th, a month before Jordan's second birthday.  We did not know about her birth until the next day.  But, as far as we knew, we were just to wait for the call to come get her.  Nothing happened on the next day, but on January 9th, we finally heard.  The adoption specialist was headed to the hospital to talk to birthmom.  A couple of hours later, she called back and told me that she was leaving the hospital and I knew that something was wrong.  An hour after that, they called to tell me that it was over.  I had already been crying for an hour.  I knew.  I looked back on the past couple of months and saw all of the "red flags".  And I felt dumb. 

Why did I hope again?  I put off pulling out clothes and getting ready, but in the week after Christmas, I decided to decorate her room and wash her clothes.  I pulled out the pretty pink dresses and laughed to myself about how Blake would be so nervous about dressing a girl.  I re-packed the diaper back with sweet little clothes for the hospital.  I made my list and lined up baby-sitters.  I'm getting pretty good at this part of the process!  I hoped.  And I got excited.  And attached.

When Millie's adoption fell through, I lost it.  I was taken completely off guard.  I was a mess.  I was not that way this time.  I was more prepared, but I still grieved and cried.  It's funny because I was surprised and yet not surprised at the same time.  I don't even really know how to explain it.  I think my fear tried to hold me back, but I knew the right thing to do would be to prepare and love.  I was afraid of getting hurt again, but I know I would have regretted not doing those things to get attached.  Here's the thing: if Ruby was home with us right now, I would have been thankful that I had prepared.  I would have been thankful that I loved her before I met her. 

And this is why I am terrified.  I am terrified because I know we have to keep going.  We have to keep trying.  We want a house full of children.  Jordan would love a sibling.  This sounds incredibly selfish...but this is our only way to have children.  Adoption is a noble thing...and incredibly painful.  It is joyful and terrifying.  God brings a family to a baby and a baby to a family.  It's a miracle and I am so thankful for it.  But part of the grief of this season has been of my infertility.  I feel that pain again...it is the loss of control.  There is nothing I can do but wait on the Lord. 

In my humanity, I want to fast forward through the pain of today and the fear of future heart-break.  I don't have that choice.  Instead, I have to choose every day that I will give that pain and fear over to the Lord.  He knows what will happen.  He knows our hearts.  I have to "trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."  It is a beautiful thing to turn those things over to Him.  He is good.  He is good.  He is good.  Nothing is outside of His plan.  My understanding is very limited.  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  But that is not what is important.  I have to give all of my heart to Him.  It is the only way we will be able to glorify Him through our grief and through our fear as we wait for the next call and start risking our hearts again.

So, we add Ruby to our list of babies who are out there somewhere.  They are our babies, if only in our hearts.  We miss them and we love them and it is so hard to know that they will never know who we are.  Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  Sweet babies.  I pray for you all of the time.  I miss you.  God, please protect these babies.  Watch over them.  Keep them safe.  And please show Yourself to them.  Bring someone into their lives who tell them about Your Son who died for them. 


P.S. The body of Christ has come through big-time for us.  We have been loved so lavishly by their prayers, gifts, dinners, tears, and words of comfort.  God has been good to us.

Missing the Mountains for the Messes

About once a week, I spill coffee grounds.  I get so mad at myself!  Yet, I refuse to buy the sturdy brand of filters.  I buy the paper thin ones that could rip at any second.  I drag myself over to the coffee maker every morning and brew myself a pot.  When the filter breaks and coffee grounds get all over the floor, you would think that I just broke my arm.  It gets me so frustrated...which of course sets the tone for the whole day.  (This little ditty just makes me cheap and lazy!)

As the new year starts, I have been reflecting on what I want 2014 to look like.  What are some things that I can focus on?  One consistent lesson that has been coming to mind is contentment.  We have had some set-backs and sadness in 2013, but who hasn't?  We are beyond blessed.  However, I lose my joy and contentment in the every day, mundane grind. I lose it when I'm expecting Blake to be home at a certain time and he calls to tell me that he's going to be late (the audacity of him wanting to get his hair cut!!).  It's the early mornings when I really want to sleep a little longer, but my little dude wants to be up before the sun.  It's having to sweep up coffee grounds again, or having to run and buy diapers because I didn't plan ahead and we ran out.  All of those little things steal my joy.

A friend shared with our Sunday School class some lessons she had learned out of Psalm 106.  It is one of the historical Psalms that talks about God's faithfulness to His people.  It is a look back at the history of their sin and failure to acknowledge Him.  Then after they suffer the consequences, they return to Him and are restored.  And then before you know it, they have lost focus again, and are back to doing the old things that got them in trouble in the first place.   It is a picture of our own hearts and thankfully, it is also a picture of God's loving kindness.

I am such a flake.  My heart wanders, and then I am gently guided back to God through His Word.  I hear a sermon or read a Scripture that reminds me of how greatly I am blessed.  My heart comes back to Him and then I spill my coffee grounds.  And I'm back to grumbling and complaining.  So, so petty. 

When we lived in Africa, we had the opportunity to travel to many beautiful places.  My favorite, by far, was Innsbruck, Austria.  The town reminded me a lot of Norman in it's size and in the fact that there was a university in the town.  But what set Innsbruck apart was that it was completely surrounded by mountains.  It is a beautiful little town in the middle of the Tyrolean Alps. 

Everywhere we went in this town, we were looking at the mountains.  We were so silly...we could not get enough of them!  If we ate a restaurant, we tried to eat at a table with a clear view of the mountains.  We would sit on a bench for an hour and just look at them.  Every evening, we sat by the river and watched the sun go down behind the mountains.  Even after it was dark, we were in awe of the barely visible shape of the mountains.  They were beautiful and we were enchanted.

I started to think about the people who lived there.  Did they not realize how beautiful their scenery was?  A bus would go by full of people who were looking at newspapers or at phones and not gazing at the mountains.  They would scurry about to their jobs and to their schools without looking up once.  It made me sad and I thought, "How long would it take for me to get used the the mountains and quit noticing them?"  It saddens my heart, but I think it would be quicker than I wish it would.

You see, it is the same in my life.  I have amazing blessings from God.  I have a husband who loves me and works hard to provide for our family.  I have a sweet little boy who makes me laugh and gives the greatest hugs.  The list goes on...my church, my family, my friends, my home, my neighborhood...all are blessings from Almighty God and yet I scurry around, getting caught up in the messes.  I never look up in awe and rejoice at God's majesty and beauty.  I get so caught up in those coffee grounds on the floor, that I forget to savor the God who gives me the ability to taste the coffee beans that he created.

God, help me to remember to look up.  Help me not to get caught up in the messiness of life so that I miss the majesty of who You are and what You have done for me.

First Haircut!

It was time for this little man to get his first hair cut!  He has always been cute, but he started looking a little shaggy.  The reason I let it get so shagged out is not sentimental...no, it was financial.  I was not looking forward to the day where I had to pay to have his hair cut.  We finally decided that we would do it for his first cut...so we could watch and learn.  Well, we did watch and learn...that we are going to be paying for his haircuts!

Here's the reason why...

Yep, that's what he did the whole time.  Poor kiddo!  We took him to a "kids only" place and they were very patient with him.  They had a movie and bubbles and a truck...but nothing could cheery this poor boy up.

Not even his first sucker!

But, as soon as it was over, he was good to go.  He laughed at the bubble blowing...he played with the truck and he got a prize!

In the end, I did tear up just a little.  My baby has turned into a little boy and there is no going back.  I don't know how to slow time down, but I'm willing to pay a little extra to make that happen! :)

A Thanksgiving Tale

Once upon a time, there was a Mommy.  Well, sort of.  She was a Mommy in her heart, but she didn't have a baby.  It's not that she wasn't happy.  God had blessed her with a lot of wonderful people in her life.  She had a husband who loved her.  She had a comfortable home.  She had friends and a church family who blessed her.  She had a family who loved Jesus and supported her.  She really had a full, rich life.  But she didn't have a baby.

This Mommy didn't always want a baby.  In fact, at one time she was scared of babies!  She was happy to move to Africa and not have a baby.  She got to live there for two years and travel around Europe.  She was very happy and blessed to see so many new places and serve a wonderful group of people who lived in the mountains of North Africa.  All of these things were good and a blessing, but one day, this Mommy and her husband decided that they were ready to have a baby.

At first, the Mommy thought it would be easy.  But time passed, and no baby.  She watched friends have babies.  She saw people who were younger than her have babies.  But still, she could not have a baby.  She began to wonder if something was wrong with her.  Her heart began to hurt.  She was Mommy with no baby.  Every month that passed made her dream of being a for-real Mommy less possible.  She begged God for a baby.  Her friends and family prayed that she would have a baby.  But still, no baby.

The Mommy with no baby told God that she would cherish the baby He would give her.  She said she would be happy to stay up all night and never sleep.  She imagined that once that baby was home, she would always thank God for the baby.

One day, this Mommy was at work.  She heard of a baby who had been abandoned at the hospital nearby.  She heard that this baby need a Mommy and her heart was broken.  It was no longer broken for her own sake, but for this little baby girl with no Mommy and Daddy.  Who would teach this baby about Jesus?  Who would rock her to sleep at night and pray for her?  Who would hug and kiss this baby?  That day, the Mommy knew that God wanted them to adopt a baby.  She knew this baby girl was not theirs, but a new dream started.

Six months later, the Mommy and Daddy were ready to adopt a baby.  They had filled out all the paperwork.  They had prayed and prayed and finally, they were waiting.  Two months passed.  They thought they might be able to get a baby girl, but that did not work out.  Finally, they heard about a little boy.  This little boy was turned down by other families because he had been through so much and he wasn't even born.  The Mommy and Daddy prayed for him and decided that if his Birthmom picked them, that they would trust God to take care of his needs through them.

Finally, one day, the Mommy was driving down the road and got a phone call.  The person on the other end said that she should pull over before she told her something.  Then, the news she had been waiting for.  She was finally a Mommy to that precious little boy who was coming in three weeks!  The Mommy sobbed and sobbed. Many months of waiting and many tears that were shed seemed to disappear in that instant.

The Mommy and Daddy welcomed that baby boy home one cold February day.  They were in love with him and still are nearly two years later.

I wish this story went on
that the Mommy was grateful every day for the gift that she asked for.  Some days she was very ungrateful to be up in the middle of the night with the little baby.  Some days she got frustrated when she had to clean that little boy's face after every meal.  Sometimes, she even lost her temper with that little boy.  It is actually kind of sad how much she forgot that this little boy was a precious gift from God.

The truth is, this Mommy is a sinner who desperately needs God's grace.  She needed him to save her from her sins and she needs Him every day to love her baby and to cherish him.  She is quick to forget where she came from and how God has blessed her beyond measure.  When hard times have come, she is quick to accuse God of not loving her.  She is selfish and petty and hopeless.

But thankfully, God is gracious to her.  He sent His Son to die on a cross so that she could be God's child.  He pours out blessings on her.  He is patient and loving.  He forgives. He even said that her sins are as far away from her as the east is from the west.  She does not deserve this love, but He still gives it.

This Thanksgiving I am beyond thankful for so many blessings in my life.  I am thankful for my Savior and my God.  God, help me to remember You and to grow in my love for You.  Help me to be the Mommy that you have called me to be.  And thank you for giving me this baby.  And for this man you have given me to be my husband.  I love you.

Happy Gotcha Day!!

A couple of weeks ago, we celebrate the one-year anniversary of the day when Jordan became a Lindley forever!  We plan on celebrating that day every year as a family and rejoicing in what God has done to bring us together.  This year we took our little man to Andy Alligator, which is a family fun park here in Norman.  We had a blast, but didn't spend much money.  That's because Jordan was so amazed by the flashing lights that he couldn't focus on one thing.  It was fun to watch him run around and just enjoy the scene.