Well, if you read this blog consistently, it's no secret that we have a great desire for more children. Three failed adoptions later, that had not gone away. However, my desire for adoption had begun to wane. My biggest hang-up was...how can I love a birthmom and prepare for a baby with a hopeful heart after so much disappointment? I was terrified of having to put my heart back out there, but frankly, I didn't have any other choice. I wanted a second child so badly and as far as I knew, adoption was our only option.
Well, if you know anything about God, He always has a plan and it is better than anything you can imagine. I had begun to suspect that something was going on because I felt sick all of the time, but in the years before Jordan came, I had tricked myself so many times into taking a pregnancy test because I felt "sick". So I really put it into the back of my mind.
On January 22nd, I worked a volunteer shift at Eden clinic and though I might as well take a test since I was there! I did a client intake and decided to do my test at the same time as my client. Well, in a crazy turn of events, that second line changed immediately. Alison, our nurse was there with me and began screaming and jumping up and down. I just stood there with my mouth wide open. She said that she thought I would be more excited, but the truth was, I was completely stunned. I never, ever expected to be pregnant! I was calm on the outside, but this is how I was on the inside:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYscemhnf88
Needless to say, Alison had to finish my appointment. I was in a haze and there was no way I could produce enough comprehensive sentences to help this client the way she needed! I called Blake and told him to come by the clinic and he figured it out before he even got there!
My first instinct was fear of miscarriage, but Blake wanted to start telling our families that day. So, we did, and honestly since then I have had very little anxiety about this pregnancy. Part of that probably had to do with the never-ending nausea I experienced for the first month or two. But God has been good to allow me to see the baby a couple of times at Eden Clinic via ultrasound and everything is just textbook so far.
So, the lesson is, don't limit what God can do. Just because He did not allow us to have a bio-baby when we wanted it did not mean that He did not intend me to experience infertility my whole life.
This baby is such a sweet blessing but has not been the "fix" for my broken heart. I still grieve Jake, Millie, and Ruby. I think about them all of the time. This baby does not replace any of them, but is just another little person for us to fall in love with and give a precious name and plan on raising to know Jesus. And poor Jordan has no idea what is coming!
I am eleven weeks today and starting to show. Er, well, lets just say I don't look pregnant, but I can't suck it in. :) This week our baby is the size of a lime and has well-developed limbs that he/she is wiggling around all of the time, even though I can't feel it yet!
Well, if you know anything about God, He always has a plan and it is better than anything you can imagine. I had begun to suspect that something was going on because I felt sick all of the time, but in the years before Jordan came, I had tricked myself so many times into taking a pregnancy test because I felt "sick". So I really put it into the back of my mind.
On January 22nd, I worked a volunteer shift at Eden clinic and though I might as well take a test since I was there! I did a client intake and decided to do my test at the same time as my client. Well, in a crazy turn of events, that second line changed immediately. Alison, our nurse was there with me and began screaming and jumping up and down. I just stood there with my mouth wide open. She said that she thought I would be more excited, but the truth was, I was completely stunned. I never, ever expected to be pregnant! I was calm on the outside, but this is how I was on the inside:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYscemhnf88
Needless to say, Alison had to finish my appointment. I was in a haze and there was no way I could produce enough comprehensive sentences to help this client the way she needed! I called Blake and told him to come by the clinic and he figured it out before he even got there!
My first instinct was fear of miscarriage, but Blake wanted to start telling our families that day. So, we did, and honestly since then I have had very little anxiety about this pregnancy. Part of that probably had to do with the never-ending nausea I experienced for the first month or two. But God has been good to allow me to see the baby a couple of times at Eden Clinic via ultrasound and everything is just textbook so far.
So, the lesson is, don't limit what God can do. Just because He did not allow us to have a bio-baby when we wanted it did not mean that He did not intend me to experience infertility my whole life.
This baby is such a sweet blessing but has not been the "fix" for my broken heart. I still grieve Jake, Millie, and Ruby. I think about them all of the time. This baby does not replace any of them, but is just another little person for us to fall in love with and give a precious name and plan on raising to know Jesus. And poor Jordan has no idea what is coming!
I am eleven weeks today and starting to show. Er, well, lets just say I don't look pregnant, but I can't suck it in. :) This week our baby is the size of a lime and has well-developed limbs that he/she is wiggling around all of the time, even though I can't feel it yet!
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