The Unknown

^{Matthew 6:34}

 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

 Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When I would read this verse in my teen years/early twenties...back when the world seemed pretty rosy, I always pictured financial or physical provision.  So, if I ever found myself in a situation where I had no money or food, God would give me enough for the day and then I could trust him with tomorrow.  While this is true, and He has proven that he provides in amazing ways when we have financial difficulties, there is a new dimension to this verse that I had never considered.

No, I'm not claiming that I've received a new revelation!  It's just that the verse several verses earlier (vs. 27) says "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"  My question is, how do you do this when you have something that legitimately is something to worry about?  

In America, our hardest financial situations have meant that we had to borrow money from our parents to make a payment or to get our car fixed.  Not ideal, but this is by no means desperation.  Or, when I say I have "no groceries", what I mean is I have a ton of cans of tomatoes in the cabinet, a large bag of rice, milk in the fridge, ranch dressing...etc. etc.  I have food.  It's not just the food I want to eat right then.  I have been places in the world where the average person makes as much in a month as I spend on chapstick in a month.  Our financial woes are really not what I would put in the "I should worry" category.

Disclaimer: I still worry about them.  It's so easy for my lack of contentedness with what I have to transform itself into worry.  This is sin in my heart that I need to confess to the Lord.  My lack of faith is very much tied to my lack of gratitude, not necessarily to any great physical needs that I have.

So, the reason I was thinking about these verses is that there are things that we face that are tough and should cause anxiety.  For example, I was thinking about Baby Jake the other day.  He's fifteen months old now (crazy!).  I was thinking about how I still have two months (or less!) before I get to meet baby Marcus.  If you had told me when I walked out of that hospital, leaving the baby boy we had fallen in love with behind, that it would be seventeen months before God would allow me to hold another baby who would be mine, I probably would have struggled a lot more with anger and depression.  Instead, I had hope that the desire to be a mom was a good one and from God and that He had a perfect plan.  His perfect plan included two more losses, a surprise pregnancy, some puking, and having to wait and wait and wait.  Not ideal, but when I look back at all of the grace he gave me during the tough days and the super exciting days, I recognize his provision was far greater than just a child.  It was a journey of faith and testing and endurance.  It has been daily lessons on being content with what I have and trusting God with the things that don't make sense.  Looking back, it is all worth it.  

Another example...my dear friend Kelsey.  Kelsey just passed away a few weeks ago.  She was 35 years old.  She is with Jesus, but she left behind a wonderful husband and a four year old daughter.  She left behind family and friends who dearly love her.  It's been tough for me and yet for many, many others, it has been unbelievably painful and the journey is just beginning for Chris and Alexa.  

Kelsey was diagnosed with epitheliod sarcoma in April of 2013.  Through the next year and three months, she kept a blog which gave those who read it great ways to pray for her health, but also an unbelievable glimpse into her faith in the Lord.  She was real and honest.  She did not enjoy the pain or the fear, but yet she never turned away from God.  She always went back to him.  

A few days after she died, I decided to look back at the beginning of her journey via her blog.  I was struck with what she posted as she was waiting to find out if the tumor in her arm was this extremely scary and deadly cancer, or if it was benign.  She talked about trying not to worry; that her mind would automatically go to the worst case scenarios.  Well, the worst happened.  What she tried not to fear the most happened.  

My first instinct when this thought struck me was to question the goodness of God.  But, He immediately took me to Matthew 6:34.  He is good.  The next fifteen months of Kelsey's life were spent in a journey.  Had she known what was coming, would she have been able to fight as hard?  Would she have enjoyed the precious time she had left with Chris and Alexa?  Would she have been able to find hope in Scripture?  She assured me many times that God somehow gave her exactly the grace she needed for that day.  And in an ultimate act of grace, God took her home.  He fulfilled the promise of eternal life that she clung to.  She is pain-free and worry-free.  She is experiencing joy that we cannot even comprehend.  And now He is giving Chris and Alexa the grace that they need for each day.  They don't know the future, but God is gracious to provide each day what they need and He will do that every day for each one of us.  It's a promise (read the rest of Matthew 6:25-34).  

Last weekend, I drove to DFW to visit with friends.  It was a girls' trip and so this meant a three hour road trip by myself.  I immediately knew what I wanted to do with my time.  Kelsey left a cd on my porch a couple of years ago when I was really suffering and going through a shocking and difficult time.  She called it "Songs of Hope and Praise".  It really ministered to me, but for some reason I never listened to it again until this past weekend.  I got it out for my trip.  The first track is a sermon about the goodness of God.  The preacher said "There are no good or bad days, just days of grace.  Some days it is the grace to endure and some days it is the grace to enjoy."  What a truth! and Kelsey experienced that grace to endure in abundance.  She ran her race victoriously, not because of anything within her, but because of the grace of God.

That is how we can face things that should make us worry and live in daily trust in God's perfect plan.  He gives us enough for each day.  His mercy is not to tell us our future, but to walk us through today with the knowledge that whatever it is that He has planned is worth it.  

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Happy Father's Day Blake!

Dear Jordan,

Today is your Dad's third Father's Day.  It's hard to believe we've had you for that long.  I wanted to tell you about how great your Dad is.  Soon, you will be able to tell him yourself about all of the things that you love about him.  But let me help you out this year.

Your Dad is extremely special.  He loves Jesus.  He loves to serve and to read God's Word.  He loves to spend time in prayer.  When he is asked by anybody to do anything, he jumps at the chance to do it.  He gives up his Monday nights to lead a Bible Study in a prison.  He meets with guys every couple of weeks to pray and stay accountable to each other.  He goes to Bible Studies at church so he can learn and he spends time reading the Bible every day.  He teaches Sunday School.  He meets with Mr. Larry every Thursday so he can learn from an older, wiser man.  He takes every opportunity he can to learn and grow.  

I would also like you to know how much he loves his family.  He takes care of us by working extremely hard.  He gets up at 4:30 every morning and works fifty hours a week.  He doesn't have to get up so early, but he wants to put his hours in so that he can be home in time spend lots of time with us.  He trusts God to provide through his job and works hard to give God the glory at his job.  He shares his testimony and looks for ways to share deeply about God's Word.  He always stands up for what is true in conversations he has.

At home, he is quick to do the dishes or take out the trash.  He fixes things around the house and enjoys teaching you how to use tools.

Your Dad loves you, Buddy.  He is always willing for a good wrestling session or to ride your little cars all around the house.  He loves to take you to the zoo and play outside with you.  You are wild and he loves it.  He loves reading to you and watching Curious George with you.  He prays and sings with us every night.  He disciplines you when you need it because he wants you to grow up to know Jesus and to follow him. Your Dad doesn't care as much about you being happy and having whatever you want.  He leads by example what it means to be joyful and content with what we have.  And God has given us so much!

I could go on and on about your Dad.  He's pretty great and I love him very much.  I hope you always know that he loves you more than his own life.

Love,
Mom

Precious Images

Psalm 139:13-16 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

The other evening, my sweet sister offered to watch Jordan so Blake and I could go out to eat.  I think it was an under-handed excuse to snuggle with Jordan, eat popcorn, and watch Frozen...but whatever the reason, we are always grateful for a chance to go eat by ourselves.  We love our little man, but meal-time is not exactly relaxing.  I am always excited for a chance to eat without having to share my food!  Not to mention the fact that we can actually talk without the usual interruptions..."Jordan don't throw your spoon" and "Jordan stop climbing over the booth; those people are trying to enjoy their meal and don't need you interfering."

So, we went to Carino's, an Italian restaurant because we had a groupon.  We made the most of the opportunity.  We even had dessert and coffee.  We talked about several different things and enjoyed each other's company.  After nine years of marriage, we have not run out of things to talk about!  We laughed about the food that I inevitably got on my pregnant belly.  We talked about how excited we were to meet baby Marcus and see what he is going to be like.

Then, we laughed about the fact that if we had adopted Ruby, I would be very pregnant with a five month old.  It would definitely be quite the challenge!  I think the first trimester would have turned me into a maniac if I had a newborn on top of that.  But then, we both agreed that it would have been worth it.  You see, just because we have Marcus (and we are EXTREMELY thankful for his little life!), does not mean that we have forgotten about our three babies that we did not get to adopt.  

We also talked about how we wish we could have kept all three...Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  It was a sad moment for us as we reflected on those three sweet babies and how old they would be now.  We talked about how if we could have chosen one, we could not make the choice.  They are all very important to us.  In our hearts, we have five children, even if only two of them are actually ours to parent.  

It's not that I think about them all of the time anymore.  I go several days at a time without thinking about them and I'm sure that time-span will stretch as we get farther away from this season of our life.  We certainly don't dwell on the sadness when it surfaces.  We truly believe that God's plan is greater than we can know that He has His purposes for their lives and for ours.  

Later (when I couldn't sleep because of heart-burn!), I was reflecting on how these three babies can mean so much to us.  And I was thinking about all of my dear friends who have experienced similar losses. Friends who experienced miscarriages and stillbirths.  Loss before life outside the womb even begins.  It's the mystery of parenthood, and I think especially motherhood.  How is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met?  How is it that without holding a baby, you can feel so attached to it?  How is it that you can never replace a baby who is in heaven with a baby that you get to hold on earth?

I think the answer is in the verses above.  I think the fact that each person (whether they have left the womb or not) is the reason why each little person can mean so much to us.  We believe that God knit together Jordan, Jake, Amelia, Ruby, and Marcus.  He knows everything about each of them.  He knows how many days they will live and how they will live those days.  He knit them together perfectly just the way they are.  As we began to prepare to parent each of them, we loved them because of that value.  We loved them because we knew that God created them unique and we could not wait to see what that uniqueness was.  We couldn't wait to see what they looked like and how they would act.  We gave them names and loved them before they were in our arms.  They each are precious in God's sight and are precious in our sight.

As I said, this is not something we dwell on much anymore.  We are very excited about life with two boys and ready to get this little guy in our arms.  He is our longest wait by about 7 months, so time seems to be crawling!  I am just so thankful for God's loving hand over his life and trust that his days are exactly what God has written for him.

Sulphurin'

Blake grew up in Oklahoma and therefore has A LOT of childhood memories that we can relive with our children as long as we live here in Norman.  One of his favorite places in the world is Sulphur, Oklahoma.  It's a cute little town with a natural springs park in the middle of it.  There is hiking, which we have done before we had kiddos, but Blake's memories mostly involve days of playing in the water.  So, on our way home from Texas on our last trip, we made a stop and Jordan was introduced to the wonderful world of Sulphur!

It was fun before we even made it to the water!

Not sure if this cold water is worth getting into!

Happy Dad and happy kid!

He liked the rocks but the leafy and mossy areas freaked him out!

Down the waterfall

And the real fun...climbing up the waterfall!

It's A....

Boy!  On my parent's first day in the States, we had a little gender reveal party.  My sister Abby did a great job of keeping the secret and making the cake that we could cut into to see if we were having a boy or a girl.  We already had our names picked out and were prepared to reveal them when the cake was cut.  Here are some pictures of our party celebrating are sweet little Marcus Payne!

 Clearly, the crowd was leaning towards girl!

 Jordan almost ruined the surprise.

 Proud Papa of two boys!  Boys rule, girls drool...at least in this house!

Life, Lately

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post!  Almost 3 months.  Whew!  I have lots of excuses, but all of them are good, so no apologies!  My biggest excuse is that I spent the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy sick.  It took every ounce of energy to feed my child three times a day and give him a bath, so a lot of housework piled up.  But, now I am closing in on 22 weeks so I've had six weeks to enjoy life and catch up around the house.  We've also had a garage sale and welcomed my parents to OK for a 3 week trip (more on that in a minute!).

Jordan is growing like a weed and has become quite the little talker.  He is really into repeating words when he asks you what they are.  This kid is so smart.  It kind of scares me because he absorbs EVERYTHING!  I guess I'll have to start watching my language. :)

Our biggest update is that we are having another BOY!  We are naming him Marcus Payne Lindley.  I am so ready to have a house full of boys.  A girl would have made it even, but I love watching my two housemates wrestle and drive cars and play with balls.  Another boy just makes sense.

My mom and dad are here right now so we've been busy enjoying life with them.  Abby's graduation is tomorrow so we will have a busy couple of days, but hopefully next week will be full of the zoo and the science museum!  Jordan loves his grandparents.  I try not to think about the good-byes we will have to say in a couple of weeks.  Ugh, I just thought about it.

I have several updates with pictures that I can hopefully post soon.  I will try to get on that.  No promises, especially if I start getting sick again!  But supposedly, that's over.  Only 18 more weeks to go and we'll meet our newest little man!

An Unexpected Twist

Well, if you read this blog consistently, it's no secret that we have a great desire for more children.  Three failed adoptions later, that had not gone away.  However, my desire for adoption had begun to wane.  My biggest hang-up was...how can I love a birthmom and prepare for a baby with a hopeful heart after so much disappointment?  I was terrified of having to put my heart back out there, but frankly, I didn't have any other choice.  I wanted a second child so badly and as far as I knew, adoption was our only option.

Well, if you know anything about God, He always has a plan and it is better than anything you can imagine.  I had begun to suspect that something was going on because I felt sick all of the time, but in the years before Jordan came, I had tricked myself so many times into taking a pregnancy test because I felt "sick".  So I really put it into the back of my mind.

On January 22nd, I worked a volunteer shift at Eden clinic and though I might as well take a test since I was there!  I did a client intake and decided to do my test at the same time as my client.  Well, in a crazy turn of events, that second line changed immediately.  Alison, our nurse was there with me and began screaming and jumping up and down.  I just stood there with my mouth wide open.  She said that she thought I would be more excited, but the truth was, I was completely stunned.  I never, ever expected to be pregnant!  I was calm on the outside, but this is how I was on the inside:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYscemhnf88

Needless to say, Alison had to finish my appointment.  I was in a haze and there was no way I could produce enough comprehensive sentences to help this client the way she needed!  I called Blake and told him to come by the clinic and he figured it out before he even got there!

My first instinct was fear of miscarriage, but Blake wanted to start telling our families that day.  So, we did, and honestly since then I have had very little anxiety about this pregnancy.  Part of that probably had to do with the never-ending nausea I experienced for the first month or two.  But God has been good to allow me to see the baby a couple of times at Eden Clinic via ultrasound and everything is just textbook so far.

So, the lesson is, don't limit what God can do.  Just because He did not allow us to have a bio-baby when we wanted it did not mean that He did not intend me to experience infertility my whole life.

This baby is such a sweet blessing but has not been the "fix" for my broken heart.  I still grieve Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  I think about them all of the time.  This baby does not replace any of them, but is just another little person for us to fall in love with and give a precious name and plan on raising to know Jesus.  And poor Jordan has no idea what is coming!

I am eleven weeks today and starting to show.  Er, well, lets just say I don't look pregnant, but I can't suck it in. :)  This week our baby is the size of a lime and has well-developed limbs that he/she is wiggling around all of the time, even though I can't feel it yet!