Precious Images

Psalm 139:13-16 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

The other evening, my sweet sister offered to watch Jordan so Blake and I could go out to eat.  I think it was an under-handed excuse to snuggle with Jordan, eat popcorn, and watch Frozen...but whatever the reason, we are always grateful for a chance to go eat by ourselves.  We love our little man, but meal-time is not exactly relaxing.  I am always excited for a chance to eat without having to share my food!  Not to mention the fact that we can actually talk without the usual interruptions..."Jordan don't throw your spoon" and "Jordan stop climbing over the booth; those people are trying to enjoy their meal and don't need you interfering."

So, we went to Carino's, an Italian restaurant because we had a groupon.  We made the most of the opportunity.  We even had dessert and coffee.  We talked about several different things and enjoyed each other's company.  After nine years of marriage, we have not run out of things to talk about!  We laughed about the food that I inevitably got on my pregnant belly.  We talked about how excited we were to meet baby Marcus and see what he is going to be like.

Then, we laughed about the fact that if we had adopted Ruby, I would be very pregnant with a five month old.  It would definitely be quite the challenge!  I think the first trimester would have turned me into a maniac if I had a newborn on top of that.  But then, we both agreed that it would have been worth it.  You see, just because we have Marcus (and we are EXTREMELY thankful for his little life!), does not mean that we have forgotten about our three babies that we did not get to adopt.  

We also talked about how we wish we could have kept all three...Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  It was a sad moment for us as we reflected on those three sweet babies and how old they would be now.  We talked about how if we could have chosen one, we could not make the choice.  They are all very important to us.  In our hearts, we have five children, even if only two of them are actually ours to parent.  

It's not that I think about them all of the time anymore.  I go several days at a time without thinking about them and I'm sure that time-span will stretch as we get farther away from this season of our life.  We certainly don't dwell on the sadness when it surfaces.  We truly believe that God's plan is greater than we can know that He has His purposes for their lives and for ours.  

Later (when I couldn't sleep because of heart-burn!), I was reflecting on how these three babies can mean so much to us.  And I was thinking about all of my dear friends who have experienced similar losses. Friends who experienced miscarriages and stillbirths.  Loss before life outside the womb even begins.  It's the mystery of parenthood, and I think especially motherhood.  How is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met?  How is it that without holding a baby, you can feel so attached to it?  How is it that you can never replace a baby who is in heaven with a baby that you get to hold on earth?

I think the answer is in the verses above.  I think the fact that each person (whether they have left the womb or not) is the reason why each little person can mean so much to us.  We believe that God knit together Jordan, Jake, Amelia, Ruby, and Marcus.  He knows everything about each of them.  He knows how many days they will live and how they will live those days.  He knit them together perfectly just the way they are.  As we began to prepare to parent each of them, we loved them because of that value.  We loved them because we knew that God created them unique and we could not wait to see what that uniqueness was.  We couldn't wait to see what they looked like and how they would act.  We gave them names and loved them before they were in our arms.  They each are precious in God's sight and are precious in our sight.

As I said, this is not something we dwell on much anymore.  We are very excited about life with two boys and ready to get this little guy in our arms.  He is our longest wait by about 7 months, so time seems to be crawling!  I am just so thankful for God's loving hand over his life and trust that his days are exactly what God has written for him.