Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

I cannot believe that you are six months old today!  I'm sure you are so big and so cute.  I'm sure you are getting close to crawling.  You were pretty laid back when we got to be with you in the hospital, so you might just be super chill and content with watching the world go by.  I'm sure your mom will be okay with that.

It's hard to believe that it has been six months since we have seen you.  I think about you all of the time.  We were in South OKC the other day and eating at a restaurant.  I caught myself looking around to see if you and your family were there.  I would love to see what you looked like and see how big you've gotten.  Every time we drive north on I-35, I can see the hospital where you were born.  Blake and I laugh about that crazy night in the hospital where we had to dodge a crazy grandma and we all three spent the night in a tiny lactation room.  And you are a legend at Deaconess!

I still get sad when I think about you, but it has gotten easier over time.  It was an honor to be your Mama for 18 hours.  I am so thankful that I got to hold you and watch Blake brush your hair after your first bath.  You loved it!  I think that first 18 hours, you might have spent a total of five minutes in your bassinet because we could not put you down!  We savored our time together, and while it broke my heart to leave you there, I knew that you were not supposed to be ours.  I know your mom, dad, and brother are so thankful that you are theirs.  That's what God planned all along and I'm glad we got to be a part of your journey.

You will never know me and will never know who I am, and that's okay.  I want you to know that I am thankful for you and will be praying for you as often as I think of you.  There's a little boy at church who was born two days after you.  His mom is one of my best friends and we had hoped that you two boys would be best buds someday.  I am thankful for him because he reminds me of you.  I pray that you are safe and happy.  I pray that you are healthy.  I pray that you will know Jesus someday.  I pray for your mom and dad and their salvation.  I have embraced my role as someone who prays for you and I will continue to walk in faith that God used those eighteen hours for His glory.

You are loved, little guy.  We miss you and love you!

Carol

Set Your Eyes

I think one of the results of having a child who didn't sleep well is that I am now a bona fide night owl.  I am thankful that I don't require a lot of sleep to function, but sometimes that's my downfall too.  It's amazing the ways I can find to waste my time just to continue to enjoy a quiet house!  Most nights, Jordan sleeps through the night and I am able to sleep a good six or seven hours in a row.  I always stay up too late, but I'm still getting those hours in.  But, every once in a while, he wakes up and it's a couple hours of battling to get him back to sleep.

Last night was one of those nights.  I stayed up until midnight wasting time...not doing anything beneficial at all.  I told myself over and over that I need to get to bed.  I need to get some sleep.  But, I stayed up.  Sure enough, at 3:20 Jordan started crying.  Two hours later, I was finally back in bed only to be woken up at 6 by Blake's alarm.  Then I fell back asleep for another hour or so until Jordan finally woke up. 

I was dead tired this morning!  Coffee was a first priority (after the snuggling part of my morning was over).  Sesame Street was employed to entertain Jordan while I sipped my coffee and forced my eyes open.  Why did I do this to myself? 

Boring story...but I feel like it's a good metaphor for something I've been learning.

I feel like every time I spend time in the word (by myself or at church), it's about heavy stuff.  Trials, the journey through life, keeping an eternal perspective.  On Wednesday nights, we are studying the book of Job...not exactly an uplifting read!

Add that to the things that have been going on in my life (along with so many of my friend's lives), the question of the day is "Why is this happening?"

There are many answers to this question and I don't believe we can ever know for sure, but we do know that God says that "All things work together for the good of those who love Him".  He also tells us to "Keep your eyes on things above, not on earthly things."  There is no short answer to "why" bad things happen other than sin.  Consequences of sin may be one reason for a problem.  God may be using a trial in our lives to draw us to Him, to refine us, or to draw others to Him.  Or all of the above.

One thing we know is "Our God is in the Heavens; He does all that He pleases."  Because I am His child, I can rest in the knowledge that He is working all of the good and bad and hard and joyful into what He wants it to be.  Sometimes I can see reasons here on earth.  Last week, I was able to encourage and relate to a friend who is struggling with infertility last.  We wouldn't have Jordan if it weren't for a potential placement not working out just five weeks before.  Sometimes, I'm left with nothing except God's goodness and promises.  Why didn't we get to bring Millie home?  I really can think of no good earthly reason.  I have to CHOOSE to set my mind on the things above...that God has a plan that will glorify Himself and will not waste the frustration and grief I feel now.

So, we may or may not get answers to "why".  But we can know one things for sure.  Hard times will come. Following Christ is hard.  It means dying daily.  It means persecution.  It means giving up earthly treasures for heavenly ones.  Everyone will go through difficult times.  It's a guarantee.

So, what in the world does my sleepless night have to do with suffering and trials?  In the grand scope of things, being a little sleepy today because my own dumb choices is really not that big of a deal.  But at 5:15 this morning when I was trying to drift back to sleep, I thought "I should have been ready for this.  I know this is going to happen, so why didn't I do the right thing and go to bed early?  I should have just planned on this happening and it wouldn't be so hard now."

If we know something will happen, and we just don't know when, isn't the smart thing to do to just go ahead and prepare for it. Get your rest when you can.  Go to bed instead of wasting precious sleep on Facebook.  Sleepless nights will come...enjoy and make the most of the sleep-filled nights.

That's how we need to approach the trials of life.  Expect them, plan for them...not in a "there's a problem around the corner, Debbie-downer" kind of way.  But if we know that this world is not our home and there will be trouble, shouldn't we use the days we have that are good and normal to prepare.  Get to know God and His promises.  Pray for strength and endurance when the hard times come.  Pray for others who are walking through difficult times.  Rejoice in the mundane and the blessings.  Don't be caught off guard.  Use each day to get to know the God of Heaven who promises to sustain us.

Millie

I've already shared on Facebook, but I wanted to write a blog to record the events of the past couple f weeks.  It's hard to be able to communicate with everyone what goes on in our little adoption world because we aren't allowed to talk about a baby until parental rights are terminated...usually about 3 weeks after the baby is born.  That was so hard with Jordan because we were so ready to share pictures of our cute little dude!

We were notified during our time in North Carolina that we had been chosen to adopt a little girl.  We met the birth parents a week later and felt really good about the placement.  We talked to the birthparents and decided we were going to name her Amelia June (Millie).  We got busy getting ready for a girl-baby...mostly pulling out all of our blue stuff and sorting through loads of pink stuff that people gave us.  If you've never adopted, I don't think I can explain the feeling of preparing for a baby that is not your bio-baby.  It's apparently very similar to a pregnancy...just shorter!  You get excited and attached.  You think about how old she'll be at Christmas and how many months apart she will be from Jordan.  You wash her clothes and hang them up.  You talk about "baby sister" and start preparing Jordan for the changes ahead.  You make lists of things to pack when it's time to go to the hospital and try to figure out child-care for Jordan.  You clean and organize and sort and dream.  What I didn't do was worry.

Well, the morning of September 16th I packed up Jordan and his gear and headed to Blake's mom's house.  On the way, I prayed for God's provision with this baby.  I had some nerves but I tried to set them aside.  As I was walking in to her house, I got a call from our adoption specialist.  Major red flags*** had started going up and she wanted to let me know.  At that point, there was still hope, but frankly, I didn't feel that hope.  I called Blake and it took me about a minute to start talking because I just bawled.  He immediately headed over to Shawnee.  We spent the entire day calling people and updating people as we could.  There was not much to update.  It wasn't until the next day that we got confirmation that Millie would not be ours.

The worst part of Monday was having to make "the call"...again.  It is so hard to hear excitement on the other line (or see it on your parents' faces via Skype) and then break the news that yes, this is happening again.  I felt like I was one-by-one breaking my family's hearts.  I know that this is not my fault, but it was still really difficult.

On Tuesday, we definitely felt that it was confirmed as another disrupted adoption.  It was a rough day.  I played Candy Crush for the majority of the day and poor Jordan watched tv all day...although he didn't seem to mind.  I have to confess that I didn't feel as in control with this one.  When this happened with Jake, I really did feel the peace that passes understanding.  I really gave into the lies this time.  I spent time dwelling on what I did wrong that would make this happen.  I wondered if I had been more worried (and prayed harder) that it would have worked out.  I felt stupid for thinking this wouldn't happen again.  I felt despair that I had no control over my ability to have children.  I felt jealously towards people who could easily get pregnant.  I felt a lot of things, and not good things.  I didn't want to be encouraged or read Scripture that people were sending me.  I wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself.  I wish I could say I handled it better, but I didn't.  I will say that I was pretty convinced that we wouldn't be adopting again and that Jordan would have to be an only child!

On Wednesday, I decided I had wallowed enough.  I decided to be a mother to the child God has given me and that I needed to enjoy the blessings I have.  Not to say that I still wasn't sad and I didn't cry, but I tried not to listen to the lies.  I tried to let other people encourage me.  By the end of the day, I felt like yes, the Lord is with me.  He cares.  He knew this would happen.  And He has a plan for my family that is far greater than I can make for myself.  I got over myself and my self pity and tried to start moving on.  And yes, I felt a peace about trying to adopt again.

So, today, we're doing fine.  It's still sad and hard sometimes.  I want to let myself dwell on my problems and disappointments.  But, like the verse on my wall says "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).  I have to choose to rejoice in this beautiful weather, my amazing family, and all of the blessings that I have. 

Thanks to everyone for praying for us.  It's been a different road than we would have chosen and we wish that we had been able to bring Millie into our family.  But we look forward to the days ahead and what God has planned for us!

***There are a lot of details in this disrupted adoption that I'm just going to not mention.  Frankly, we don't know many details because we weren't in the same position as we were with Jake.  With Jake, we had gotten to know his birthmom and were at the hospital watching the drama unfold.  In this case, we just sat around and imagined what could be going on.  I still don't know a lot about what happened, just that it did.

Weariness

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

I've known that verse since I was a child.  But it never fully made sense to me.  You know how it is when you're a kid...you never really get tired.  You don't sleep unless you have too and a full day at Chucky Cheese sounds like the best day ever!  Somewhere before 29, things changed.  We went and played ski ball for an hour the other evening and my back was sore for hours!

I never really understood what it was like to be burdened either.  Even after I was married, I still believed that people could just choose to have kids whenever they wanted.  I didn't know anyone with cancer or who had parents pass away.  The most stressful part of my day was rush hour traffic.  Getting home a little after 5 pm seemed like I had a full schedule with no time for myself.

Well, when Blake was in Haiti I was reading a book called "Desperate" which is a book written by moms for moms.  There was a chapter about weariness, and I felt like it was so speaking to me.  Sure, I was physically tired, but there was a lot of other issues going on too, and I was so grateful to be reminded that 1) I was not the only one feeling weary and 2) Jesus promises rest.  Now, the rest Jesus talks about isn't necessarily physical or immediate relief from a physical ailment.  It is the rest of knowing that He knows all of the big and small issues that weigh on me daily.  It is the rest that He cares about the sparrows, so of course He cares that we are clothed and fed daily.  It is the rest that He is in control of situations that seem so dire and desperate, both in my life and around the world.  It is the rest that He gives me strength to run the race and rewards me at the end for persevering.

Here are some of the things that have made me weary and burdened:

*Balancing school, motherhood, housework, cooking, church, friends, and whatever else is thrown my way.

*Speaking of motherhood...having to rinse my child off in the sink after every meal and spend the entire meal sharing my own food with him (even though we are eating the same thing!).

*Also in the arena of motherhood...trying to be calm and patient when the fits come.  Yep, the two's are coming! 

*Having to plan a playdate around my friend's chemo schedule.  And daily bearing the burden that my friend is suffering and battling her way through a cancer diagnosis.

*Watching people I love make terrible choices.

*Trying to battle indifference towards God's Word.

*Having a car that is beginning to fall apart and at the same time trying to pay off medical bills.  With earthly eyes, there is no way we're getting out of this hole!

All of these things are weighing on me.  They are burdening me.  They make me weary.

But, as Jesus promises, He does not leave us or forsake us.  He is walking through these days with me.  He has a plan for us that may never include wealth, but will always include joy.

Here are some of the ways He has given us rest - just some of many!:

*He provides friends who I can share life with.  Getting together with them and discussing the stresses of life and knowing that I am not alone is so comforting.  Some have toddlers and some have had toddlers.  All are a great encouragement to me!

*My little guy can throw some big time tantrums...but makes me laugh out loud all of the time.  There is nothing like having toddler arms squeezing your neck and having toddler lips giving you sloppy kisses!

*God still provides things that allow me to make my house pretty and to wear that don't have holes in them!

*And the most recent blessing...a all-expense paid trip to North Carolina with my husband.  It was unexpected and wonderful.  I spent an entire morning by myself and I had the opportunity to sit on a bench, in the woods, by a brook...and just soak in God's Word.  It was refreshing and renewing to be around other Believers and friends who I haven't seen in years!  It was refreshing to sleep at nights and have time to go on a three mile hike with my man. 

God knows what we need and has ways of providing that we often do not see coming.  He is good and faithful.  He promised rest and He gives it.  It won't always be a free trip alone with my husband...but if I look for it, He is giving me rest every day!

Whaaa???

That's what Jordan says all the time, while holding his hands out to his side.  It's so stinkin' cute.  He also holds them up when you ask a question.  I love watching our little due learn.

His newest word is "Choo choo". He says it for trains and planes.

Our neighborhood is hopping again!  OU starts back today (boo for me!) so all of the students are back.  I love fall 'round here.  Every afternoon the OU marching band practices within earshot.  I start dreaming of cooler weather and all of my jackets and sweaters that have been boxed up for months.  And, of course, praying that we will be able to adopt again soon.  A fall baby sounds fun!

Fishin'

Jordan got to go fishing with his dad, grandfather, and great-grandfather.  What a lucky little man!  He caught two of the three fish.  Literally, he was the one holding the pole when the fish jumped on.  He's got the gift!

It's Grandparent Time!

Jordan is almost 18 months old and FINALLY got to meet his grandparents.  My mom and dad work in North Africa and haven't been able to come visit since he was born.  We've all been looking forward to their vacation and are really having a blast and we have two whole weeks left! 

 

My Dad's highlight was taking his grandson to a Ranger's game.  Happy, happy, happy!

 

 

 

My Mom is just enjoying snuggle time and reading time.

 

We have done so much since they came...the zoo, Rhythm Babies, the splash pad, the playground, and so much more.  But we're enjoying even just hanging out at home.  Jordan is at a great age for getting to know them!