Millie

I've already shared on Facebook, but I wanted to write a blog to record the events of the past couple f weeks.  It's hard to be able to communicate with everyone what goes on in our little adoption world because we aren't allowed to talk about a baby until parental rights are terminated...usually about 3 weeks after the baby is born.  That was so hard with Jordan because we were so ready to share pictures of our cute little dude!

We were notified during our time in North Carolina that we had been chosen to adopt a little girl.  We met the birth parents a week later and felt really good about the placement.  We talked to the birthparents and decided we were going to name her Amelia June (Millie).  We got busy getting ready for a girl-baby...mostly pulling out all of our blue stuff and sorting through loads of pink stuff that people gave us.  If you've never adopted, I don't think I can explain the feeling of preparing for a baby that is not your bio-baby.  It's apparently very similar to a pregnancy...just shorter!  You get excited and attached.  You think about how old she'll be at Christmas and how many months apart she will be from Jordan.  You wash her clothes and hang them up.  You talk about "baby sister" and start preparing Jordan for the changes ahead.  You make lists of things to pack when it's time to go to the hospital and try to figure out child-care for Jordan.  You clean and organize and sort and dream.  What I didn't do was worry.

Well, the morning of September 16th I packed up Jordan and his gear and headed to Blake's mom's house.  On the way, I prayed for God's provision with this baby.  I had some nerves but I tried to set them aside.  As I was walking in to her house, I got a call from our adoption specialist.  Major red flags*** had started going up and she wanted to let me know.  At that point, there was still hope, but frankly, I didn't feel that hope.  I called Blake and it took me about a minute to start talking because I just bawled.  He immediately headed over to Shawnee.  We spent the entire day calling people and updating people as we could.  There was not much to update.  It wasn't until the next day that we got confirmation that Millie would not be ours.

The worst part of Monday was having to make "the call"...again.  It is so hard to hear excitement on the other line (or see it on your parents' faces via Skype) and then break the news that yes, this is happening again.  I felt like I was one-by-one breaking my family's hearts.  I know that this is not my fault, but it was still really difficult.

On Tuesday, we definitely felt that it was confirmed as another disrupted adoption.  It was a rough day.  I played Candy Crush for the majority of the day and poor Jordan watched tv all day...although he didn't seem to mind.  I have to confess that I didn't feel as in control with this one.  When this happened with Jake, I really did feel the peace that passes understanding.  I really gave into the lies this time.  I spent time dwelling on what I did wrong that would make this happen.  I wondered if I had been more worried (and prayed harder) that it would have worked out.  I felt stupid for thinking this wouldn't happen again.  I felt despair that I had no control over my ability to have children.  I felt jealously towards people who could easily get pregnant.  I felt a lot of things, and not good things.  I didn't want to be encouraged or read Scripture that people were sending me.  I wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself.  I wish I could say I handled it better, but I didn't.  I will say that I was pretty convinced that we wouldn't be adopting again and that Jordan would have to be an only child!

On Wednesday, I decided I had wallowed enough.  I decided to be a mother to the child God has given me and that I needed to enjoy the blessings I have.  Not to say that I still wasn't sad and I didn't cry, but I tried not to listen to the lies.  I tried to let other people encourage me.  By the end of the day, I felt like yes, the Lord is with me.  He cares.  He knew this would happen.  And He has a plan for my family that is far greater than I can make for myself.  I got over myself and my self pity and tried to start moving on.  And yes, I felt a peace about trying to adopt again.

So, today, we're doing fine.  It's still sad and hard sometimes.  I want to let myself dwell on my problems and disappointments.  But, like the verse on my wall says "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).  I have to choose to rejoice in this beautiful weather, my amazing family, and all of the blessings that I have. 

Thanks to everyone for praying for us.  It's been a different road than we would have chosen and we wish that we had been able to bring Millie into our family.  But we look forward to the days ahead and what God has planned for us!

***There are a lot of details in this disrupted adoption that I'm just going to not mention.  Frankly, we don't know many details because we weren't in the same position as we were with Jake.  With Jake, we had gotten to know his birthmom and were at the hospital watching the drama unfold.  In this case, we just sat around and imagined what could be going on.  I still don't know a lot about what happened, just that it did.