Catching Up

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT'S BEEN FOUR MONTHS SINCE I UPDATED THIS BLOG!  OK, now I got that out of my system.  July 25th...so much has happened since then.  Lots of major life events.  When I explain, you'll understand why it's been hard to find time to catch up.  I have some things I've wanted to write about to get off my chest, but figured I'd better catch up on life first.

Cancer

I hate it.  I hate it.  It took my dear friend Kelsey on July 5th, and although she's been with Jesus since then, her husband, daughter, parents, sister, and all of her friends and family are left here trying to figure out life without her.  I have watched her family grieve and it has been an encouragement that God has been honored through their worst days.  On a personal note, I miss that girl.  She was a precious friend and one of the blog posts I want to write is about all of the many things that she taught me.

So, just when life was slowing down from that, my mom and dad made an emergency trip back to the States to treat what we found out was thyroid cancer.  I was thrilled to see them, but in shock and devastated at another cancer diagnosis, especially close to home in my own Dad.  Praise God that if you're going to have thyroid cancer, this is the kind to have.  On August 15th (8 years after I had my skin cancer removed...to the day!), all of the cancer was removed by surgery. 

Soon after that, another dear lady at our church was diagnosed (again) with esophageal cancer.  Crazy stuff, but her husband battled it and won ten years before and now she was going into her second round against this nasty, deadly cancer.  I'm happy to report that she had a successful surgery and is learning a new way of life, but she is alive and back to tirelessly encouraging other people!

There are others in our church that have battled it recently.  Ugh.  Cancer makes me so mad!

Marcus

This is written in chronological order, not in order of quality of blessing or even importance.  See, even cancer can be used by God to bring great blessing.  In this case, He went above and beyond to bless our family.  Let me explain...

Surgery on August 15th and then Mom & Dad came up to stay here in Norman for the remainder of their sixty day leave of absence!  By the time they got up here, I was ready to have this baby.  I still cannot believe that they got to be here for Marcus' birth and then the first five weeks of his life.  What?!?  So cool how everything worked out just perfectly.

On Tuesday, August 26th, I went in for my 37 week appointment and they gave me the heads up that things were starting to progress.  (I was hoping that this would be the case because I was miserable and the sooner Marcus could come, the more time Mom & Dad would have with him).  I could have kissed Jennifer (the NP) and I danced my way out as much as I could with a giant, pregnant belly.

Sure enough, that night I started having contractions.  I was up all night, timing and when they were five minutes apart, we went in.  Big bummer...they weren't strong enough.  So I was sent home with strict instructions to come back when they were three minutes apart.  All day I had contractions every five minutes.  We went to the mall and walked.  I went to church, hoping that things would progress.  Got home from church, and Dad walked around the block with me (well, I waddled), and sure enough...the contractions stopped.  Big, big bummer!

Thursday and Friday were the days that I did all of the things I was "too pregnant" to do just weeks earlier.  I was picking things off the ground.  I trimmed the hedge in the front yard.  I walked for miles, powering through the swollen ankles.  Nothing.

Saturday morning (August 30th), I got up and decided "Hey, it's the first OU game day.  I'm just going to enjoy it and Marcus can come another day."  You see where this is going.  So we relaxed.  We went to Ozzie's and ate a big breakfast.  I sat around and watched football all day.  Blake and Dad had tickets to the game so I drove them to the stadium. (Funny story...they had tickets, we lost them, and they bought new ones).  I got home, put Jordan in the bath and...my water broke.  Five minutes into the first quarter of the game.  THANKFULLY, Blake answered the phone. "No, I'm not joking.  You need to come home, now."  So, they rushed back and we went to the hospital.  Crazy, crazy Marcus...you just had to make an entrance!

Did I mention it was a blessing to have Mom & Dad here?  Dad was already here with Jordan and knew exactly how to take care of him.  I had ZERO worries about him and was able to focus on Marcus.

Marcus was born at 5:30 am on August 31st, about three weeks early.  And what a sweet, sweet blessing he is to our family.  He is an easy baby.  He is so sweet and snuggly.  And we are so thankful for his life.  He is almost three months old now and I've only cried one time about him...compared to the many times I've cried about Jordan in that time! :)

Mom & Dad were here off and on for five weeks.  They were so much help with both boys.  I was able to adjust to two so that when they left, it was pretty easy to jump back into real life!

Back Pain

Before I got pregnant, I lost 20 pounds.  I was on a roll, so I was ready to get back into the exercise groove a few weeks after Marcus arrived.  I worked out a few times and it felt great.  Then, I started to have some pain in my rear (insert pun here) and nothing seemed to help it.  It progressed to the pain shooting down my leg.  Sometimes, it was so intense that I had to fight back nausea.  The pain started to creep into my foot and then my foot started tingling and I had the sensation of a lump on the bottom of my foot.  This is when I went to the doctor.

An MRI, X-ray, and physical therapy and then the report came that I had a severely herniated disc in my lumbar region.  Yesterday, I went to the neurosurgeon.  My biggest fear was that it could not be fixed and I would have to live with the pain forever.  My second biggest fear was major surgery.  Praise the Lord, Dr. Hux will be able to fix it with a minor outpatient surgery.  So, I am excited to get this done so I can start living my life again.  Constant pain is exhausting and sometimes depressing.  There may be future surgeries in my future, but I plan on getting back into shape and building up my core to be as preventative as possible.


So, this is where we are today!  About to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Enjoying our boys.  Learning so much about God's provision in difficult times.  Thankful for the hope we have in Christ.  Having opportunities to share that hope with others.  Could we ask for more?

 

The Unknown

^{Matthew 6:34}

 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

 Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When I would read this verse in my teen years/early twenties...back when the world seemed pretty rosy, I always pictured financial or physical provision.  So, if I ever found myself in a situation where I had no money or food, God would give me enough for the day and then I could trust him with tomorrow.  While this is true, and He has proven that he provides in amazing ways when we have financial difficulties, there is a new dimension to this verse that I had never considered.

No, I'm not claiming that I've received a new revelation!  It's just that the verse several verses earlier (vs. 27) says "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"  My question is, how do you do this when you have something that legitimately is something to worry about?  

In America, our hardest financial situations have meant that we had to borrow money from our parents to make a payment or to get our car fixed.  Not ideal, but this is by no means desperation.  Or, when I say I have "no groceries", what I mean is I have a ton of cans of tomatoes in the cabinet, a large bag of rice, milk in the fridge, ranch dressing...etc. etc.  I have food.  It's not just the food I want to eat right then.  I have been places in the world where the average person makes as much in a month as I spend on chapstick in a month.  Our financial woes are really not what I would put in the "I should worry" category.

Disclaimer: I still worry about them.  It's so easy for my lack of contentedness with what I have to transform itself into worry.  This is sin in my heart that I need to confess to the Lord.  My lack of faith is very much tied to my lack of gratitude, not necessarily to any great physical needs that I have.

So, the reason I was thinking about these verses is that there are things that we face that are tough and should cause anxiety.  For example, I was thinking about Baby Jake the other day.  He's fifteen months old now (crazy!).  I was thinking about how I still have two months (or less!) before I get to meet baby Marcus.  If you had told me when I walked out of that hospital, leaving the baby boy we had fallen in love with behind, that it would be seventeen months before God would allow me to hold another baby who would be mine, I probably would have struggled a lot more with anger and depression.  Instead, I had hope that the desire to be a mom was a good one and from God and that He had a perfect plan.  His perfect plan included two more losses, a surprise pregnancy, some puking, and having to wait and wait and wait.  Not ideal, but when I look back at all of the grace he gave me during the tough days and the super exciting days, I recognize his provision was far greater than just a child.  It was a journey of faith and testing and endurance.  It has been daily lessons on being content with what I have and trusting God with the things that don't make sense.  Looking back, it is all worth it.  

Another example...my dear friend Kelsey.  Kelsey just passed away a few weeks ago.  She was 35 years old.  She is with Jesus, but she left behind a wonderful husband and a four year old daughter.  She left behind family and friends who dearly love her.  It's been tough for me and yet for many, many others, it has been unbelievably painful and the journey is just beginning for Chris and Alexa.  

Kelsey was diagnosed with epitheliod sarcoma in April of 2013.  Through the next year and three months, she kept a blog which gave those who read it great ways to pray for her health, but also an unbelievable glimpse into her faith in the Lord.  She was real and honest.  She did not enjoy the pain or the fear, but yet she never turned away from God.  She always went back to him.  

A few days after she died, I decided to look back at the beginning of her journey via her blog.  I was struck with what she posted as she was waiting to find out if the tumor in her arm was this extremely scary and deadly cancer, or if it was benign.  She talked about trying not to worry; that her mind would automatically go to the worst case scenarios.  Well, the worst happened.  What she tried not to fear the most happened.  

My first instinct when this thought struck me was to question the goodness of God.  But, He immediately took me to Matthew 6:34.  He is good.  The next fifteen months of Kelsey's life were spent in a journey.  Had she known what was coming, would she have been able to fight as hard?  Would she have enjoyed the precious time she had left with Chris and Alexa?  Would she have been able to find hope in Scripture?  She assured me many times that God somehow gave her exactly the grace she needed for that day.  And in an ultimate act of grace, God took her home.  He fulfilled the promise of eternal life that she clung to.  She is pain-free and worry-free.  She is experiencing joy that we cannot even comprehend.  And now He is giving Chris and Alexa the grace that they need for each day.  They don't know the future, but God is gracious to provide each day what they need and He will do that every day for each one of us.  It's a promise (read the rest of Matthew 6:25-34).  

Last weekend, I drove to DFW to visit with friends.  It was a girls' trip and so this meant a three hour road trip by myself.  I immediately knew what I wanted to do with my time.  Kelsey left a cd on my porch a couple of years ago when I was really suffering and going through a shocking and difficult time.  She called it "Songs of Hope and Praise".  It really ministered to me, but for some reason I never listened to it again until this past weekend.  I got it out for my trip.  The first track is a sermon about the goodness of God.  The preacher said "There are no good or bad days, just days of grace.  Some days it is the grace to endure and some days it is the grace to enjoy."  What a truth! and Kelsey experienced that grace to endure in abundance.  She ran her race victoriously, not because of anything within her, but because of the grace of God.

That is how we can face things that should make us worry and live in daily trust in God's perfect plan.  He gives us enough for each day.  His mercy is not to tell us our future, but to walk us through today with the knowledge that whatever it is that He has planned is worth it.  

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Happy Father's Day Blake!

Dear Jordan,

Today is your Dad's third Father's Day.  It's hard to believe we've had you for that long.  I wanted to tell you about how great your Dad is.  Soon, you will be able to tell him yourself about all of the things that you love about him.  But let me help you out this year.

Your Dad is extremely special.  He loves Jesus.  He loves to serve and to read God's Word.  He loves to spend time in prayer.  When he is asked by anybody to do anything, he jumps at the chance to do it.  He gives up his Monday nights to lead a Bible Study in a prison.  He meets with guys every couple of weeks to pray and stay accountable to each other.  He goes to Bible Studies at church so he can learn and he spends time reading the Bible every day.  He teaches Sunday School.  He meets with Mr. Larry every Thursday so he can learn from an older, wiser man.  He takes every opportunity he can to learn and grow.  

I would also like you to know how much he loves his family.  He takes care of us by working extremely hard.  He gets up at 4:30 every morning and works fifty hours a week.  He doesn't have to get up so early, but he wants to put his hours in so that he can be home in time spend lots of time with us.  He trusts God to provide through his job and works hard to give God the glory at his job.  He shares his testimony and looks for ways to share deeply about God's Word.  He always stands up for what is true in conversations he has.

At home, he is quick to do the dishes or take out the trash.  He fixes things around the house and enjoys teaching you how to use tools.

Your Dad loves you, Buddy.  He is always willing for a good wrestling session or to ride your little cars all around the house.  He loves to take you to the zoo and play outside with you.  You are wild and he loves it.  He loves reading to you and watching Curious George with you.  He prays and sings with us every night.  He disciplines you when you need it because he wants you to grow up to know Jesus and to follow him. Your Dad doesn't care as much about you being happy and having whatever you want.  He leads by example what it means to be joyful and content with what we have.  And God has given us so much!

I could go on and on about your Dad.  He's pretty great and I love him very much.  I hope you always know that he loves you more than his own life.

Love,
Mom

Precious Images

Psalm 139:13-16 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

The other evening, my sweet sister offered to watch Jordan so Blake and I could go out to eat.  I think it was an under-handed excuse to snuggle with Jordan, eat popcorn, and watch Frozen...but whatever the reason, we are always grateful for a chance to go eat by ourselves.  We love our little man, but meal-time is not exactly relaxing.  I am always excited for a chance to eat without having to share my food!  Not to mention the fact that we can actually talk without the usual interruptions..."Jordan don't throw your spoon" and "Jordan stop climbing over the booth; those people are trying to enjoy their meal and don't need you interfering."

So, we went to Carino's, an Italian restaurant because we had a groupon.  We made the most of the opportunity.  We even had dessert and coffee.  We talked about several different things and enjoyed each other's company.  After nine years of marriage, we have not run out of things to talk about!  We laughed about the food that I inevitably got on my pregnant belly.  We talked about how excited we were to meet baby Marcus and see what he is going to be like.

Then, we laughed about the fact that if we had adopted Ruby, I would be very pregnant with a five month old.  It would definitely be quite the challenge!  I think the first trimester would have turned me into a maniac if I had a newborn on top of that.  But then, we both agreed that it would have been worth it.  You see, just because we have Marcus (and we are EXTREMELY thankful for his little life!), does not mean that we have forgotten about our three babies that we did not get to adopt.  

We also talked about how we wish we could have kept all three...Jake, Millie, and Ruby.  It was a sad moment for us as we reflected on those three sweet babies and how old they would be now.  We talked about how if we could have chosen one, we could not make the choice.  They are all very important to us.  In our hearts, we have five children, even if only two of them are actually ours to parent.  

It's not that I think about them all of the time anymore.  I go several days at a time without thinking about them and I'm sure that time-span will stretch as we get farther away from this season of our life.  We certainly don't dwell on the sadness when it surfaces.  We truly believe that God's plan is greater than we can know that He has His purposes for their lives and for ours.  

Later (when I couldn't sleep because of heart-burn!), I was reflecting on how these three babies can mean so much to us.  And I was thinking about all of my dear friends who have experienced similar losses. Friends who experienced miscarriages and stillbirths.  Loss before life outside the womb even begins.  It's the mystery of parenthood, and I think especially motherhood.  How is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met?  How is it that without holding a baby, you can feel so attached to it?  How is it that you can never replace a baby who is in heaven with a baby that you get to hold on earth?

I think the answer is in the verses above.  I think the fact that each person (whether they have left the womb or not) is the reason why each little person can mean so much to us.  We believe that God knit together Jordan, Jake, Amelia, Ruby, and Marcus.  He knows everything about each of them.  He knows how many days they will live and how they will live those days.  He knit them together perfectly just the way they are.  As we began to prepare to parent each of them, we loved them because of that value.  We loved them because we knew that God created them unique and we could not wait to see what that uniqueness was.  We couldn't wait to see what they looked like and how they would act.  We gave them names and loved them before they were in our arms.  They each are precious in God's sight and are precious in our sight.

As I said, this is not something we dwell on much anymore.  We are very excited about life with two boys and ready to get this little guy in our arms.  He is our longest wait by about 7 months, so time seems to be crawling!  I am just so thankful for God's loving hand over his life and trust that his days are exactly what God has written for him.

Sulphurin'

Blake grew up in Oklahoma and therefore has A LOT of childhood memories that we can relive with our children as long as we live here in Norman.  One of his favorite places in the world is Sulphur, Oklahoma.  It's a cute little town with a natural springs park in the middle of it.  There is hiking, which we have done before we had kiddos, but Blake's memories mostly involve days of playing in the water.  So, on our way home from Texas on our last trip, we made a stop and Jordan was introduced to the wonderful world of Sulphur!

It was fun before we even made it to the water!

Not sure if this cold water is worth getting into!

Happy Dad and happy kid!

He liked the rocks but the leafy and mossy areas freaked him out!

Down the waterfall

And the real fun...climbing up the waterfall!

It's A....

Boy!  On my parent's first day in the States, we had a little gender reveal party.  My sister Abby did a great job of keeping the secret and making the cake that we could cut into to see if we were having a boy or a girl.  We already had our names picked out and were prepared to reveal them when the cake was cut.  Here are some pictures of our party celebrating are sweet little Marcus Payne!

 Clearly, the crowd was leaning towards girl!

 Jordan almost ruined the surprise.

 Proud Papa of two boys!  Boys rule, girls drool...at least in this house!

Life, Lately

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post!  Almost 3 months.  Whew!  I have lots of excuses, but all of them are good, so no apologies!  My biggest excuse is that I spent the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy sick.  It took every ounce of energy to feed my child three times a day and give him a bath, so a lot of housework piled up.  But, now I am closing in on 22 weeks so I've had six weeks to enjoy life and catch up around the house.  We've also had a garage sale and welcomed my parents to OK for a 3 week trip (more on that in a minute!).

Jordan is growing like a weed and has become quite the little talker.  He is really into repeating words when he asks you what they are.  This kid is so smart.  It kind of scares me because he absorbs EVERYTHING!  I guess I'll have to start watching my language. :)

Our biggest update is that we are having another BOY!  We are naming him Marcus Payne Lindley.  I am so ready to have a house full of boys.  A girl would have made it even, but I love watching my two housemates wrestle and drive cars and play with balls.  Another boy just makes sense.

My mom and dad are here right now so we've been busy enjoying life with them.  Abby's graduation is tomorrow so we will have a busy couple of days, but hopefully next week will be full of the zoo and the science museum!  Jordan loves his grandparents.  I try not to think about the good-byes we will have to say in a couple of weeks.  Ugh, I just thought about it.

I have several updates with pictures that I can hopefully post soon.  I will try to get on that.  No promises, especially if I start getting sick again!  But supposedly, that's over.  Only 18 more weeks to go and we'll meet our newest little man!