Catching Up

I am always thinking of things to write about.  God is continually teaching me lessons and my intention is always to write them down, but I never quite get to it.  I'm going to TRY (famous last words!) to get better at this.  I honestly don't care if anyone reads this blog...it's just for my own benefit.  I really enjoy going back and refreshing my memory on what God has taught me and what he has done.  Plus, it's nice to keep a record for the kids if they ever want to take a walk back in time!

So, the last time I wrote was Jordan's third birthday.  A lot has happened since then.  It's been quite a time.  I had back surgery on January 14th which has been a challenge to just do normal life and has also buried us (officially) in medical debt.  I am much better but still experiencing quite a bit of pain.  Physical therapy has been a blessing but I still feel  quite a ways from "normal".

Marcus is huge and Jordan is still Jordan!  He really is starting to love on Marcus which of course makes Marcus' day.  We are moving in the next couple of months and I am still trying to decide on whether to put them in the same room or keep them separate.  I would love for them to be in the same room eventually, but neither of them are sleeping through the night enough to make it an easy transition.  I still have some time...

We are getting close to an official diagnosis for Jordan of Sensory Processing Disorder.  It's been a rough road, but knowing what it is makes it easier for me to be patient with him.  He is brilliantly smart and has an incredible personality, but just cannot keep himself under control when he is with other kids.  It's constant biting, hitting, and pushing (and me apologizing).  On top of that, he is a big distraction when he is in his classes at church.  It's hard but I know that recognizing it and helping him early will be the best way to help him and with God's help, he should be fine.  I look forward to what God is going to do with his precious life!

So, that's where we are.  Moving, but not sure where.  On the verge of intervention with Jordan's SPD.  Constant back pain. Graduate school.  Grammy and Pappa headed home soon.  Abby getting married.  Plus all kinds of other things going on.  But God's my constant and is my ever-present help!

Three!

Dear Jordan,

You have been looking forward to today for five months!  I'm not kidding, since your first friend in your class had her birthday, you've been arguing and begging for your birthday to come.  And it's finally hear and little guy, you birthday-ed yourself out today!  You went to the gym with me and announced to everyone we passed that you were three and it was your birthday.  We played outside.  We wore silly hats.  We ate Mexican food....you tore it up!  You opened presents.  You had at least one meltdown.  And you ate cake.  In fact, your dad gave you one last piece of cake before bed and you just had to put your hat on.  It's almost as if you had to squeeze every last ounce out of the day.

Buddy, that is how you live your life.  You are passionate..  You play hard, you fight hard, you love hard.  Your energy level is incredible and now that you know how to talk, you ask a million questions.  But nothing you do is more special to me than your snuggles and how you tell me and your Dad that you love us.  You are so sweet and kind that it makes it easy to forgive the fits and the exhausting moments.

You have made great strides this year!  You have really learned a lot of self-control.  Sometimes when we see you start to "lose it", we will tell you to take a breath and it helps.  Well now, sometimes I will watch you play and you get frustrated, and then you stop and take a breath.  It's amazing to watch you learn and grow.

Speaking of playing, you have the best imagination.  I never know what you are picturing in your head while you play with your trucks and set up little tracks for your trains to run on.  Sometimes, I feel like I could sit and watch you play for hours.

Buddy, the easiest way to say this is: "I adore you."  You are a one of a kind, special boy and a gift to our family.  I love everything about you, even the hard things because that is exactly who God created you to be.  He will take those stubborn tendencies and fiery passions and make you into a man you loves God and can serve him whole-heartedly...which is how you do everything now!

I love you and Happy Birthday!!

Mom

 

A Year Changes Everything

One year today, a baby girl was born.  We named her Ruby and were itching to get to the hospital and hold her and bring her home.  We had spent a couple of months getting to know her birthmom and getting used to the idea of having a girl around here.  Finally, a week before her due date, I decided to get her room ready.  I had hesitated because we had already had two adoptions fail in the previous year.  That was one of the hard things was packing up the room the previous two times.  But, this one looked good.  And what were the odds of us having another one go wrong?  So, I decorated it and sorted clothes and laughed at the idea of Blake dressing a girl.

Two days passed.  We waited and waited for someone to tell us we could go get her.  I started to get nervous, but still...the odds were with us.  This couldn't happen a third time.

We still have no idea what was really going on.  All we know is that on January 9th, we got The Call...again.  No baby girl.  Ruby would not be ours.  I don't remember much.  I remember calling the first person on my phone list...my poor Aunt Laurie who answered only to hear me sobbing and she couldn't do anything to help.  Jordan was sitting in his high chair watching me with a confused look on his face. At some point I went for a walk in the freezing rain that was coming down.  The Polks sent us pizza.  Blake's mom came over.  I really can barely remember anything except that feeling.  The feeling of being betrayed, afraid of the future, grieving over the loss, and despair over my inability to have biological children.  I desperately wished for that control that I wanted over my own life that other people seemed to have (Lies, I know!).

It was hard to see what God was doing.  What I didn't know is that I was already pregnant with a little boy.  I didn't see what was coming.

I didn't see Alison jumping up and down screaming "You're pregnant!" as I tried to process what that test was showing me.

I didn't see the joyous and completely shocked faces of our family and friends as we shared the news.

I didn't see the night of the baby dedication (before most of our church family knew the news) where we knew God had provided a baby but we still couldn't bring ourselves to walk in that sanctuary, knowing that there were three babies that we dreamed of raising to walk with the Lord who were in other homes.

I didn't see the nausea and the difficulties of the first trimester.

I didn't see the day where we found out our baby was a boy and we gave him the name Marcus. 

I didn't see the surprisingly difficult task of packing up all of the girl clothes in that closet, but then the joy of pulling out all of our boy stuff and getting it ready.

I didn't see the laughs we would get from people's comments about how hot it would be all summer and how miserable I would be (like I hadn't already thought of that!).

I didn't see the misery of the last couple of weeks when I was practically begging my doctor to get him out.

I didn't see the crazy day when Marcus decided to come, right in the middle of an OU game that Blake was attending.

I didn't see the sweet little baby that they gave me to hold.  Oh, he is sweet.

I didn't see the evenings with my boys where Marcus just watched his brother and giggled at all of the funny things he did.

I didn't see any of this coming.  And yet, God did.  God knew exactly what was coming.  He had a plan.  I never lost faith, but I definitely asked questions.  I still have some questions.  But I do know that God is good.  That he gave us the desire for another baby and He gave us a baby, in his unique timing.  He worked miracles and gifted us with this precious baby boy who I just adore.  I am a Mommy of two boys and I wouldn't change my life for anything.  Because I know that I have exactly what I need. 

Wasted Time

I can't sugar-coat it...it's been a hard few days.  Let me explain how we got to where we're at with me on the couch and Blake being Mr. Mom.

About a month after Marcus was born, I started to feel pain in my hip (or so I thought).  I thought it was a muscle issue, but every time I went for a walk, it would get worse.  I felt the pain begin to radiate down my leg and into my foot.  Nothing made it feel better, even rest.  Then came the tingling and the sensation of a lump on the bottom of my foot.  I figured that it was about time to seek professional advice!

My family doctor immediately suspected a disc issue and within two days, I had an x-ray and an MRI and went to visit a physical therapist.  While waiting for the test results, I went to several appointments with the therapist and nothing we did helped at all.  Finally the results were in...a very severe herniation of my L-5/S-1 disc.  I cried and the doctor was so compassionate and assured me that yes, I was too young for this nonsense.  Surgery was in my future.  The question was, what kind of surgery and could I be fixed?

We visited the neurosurgeon the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and loved him.  He was compassionate and reassuring.  We were excited to hear that my issue can be fixed with a procedure called a "microdiscectomy".  It's an out-patient surgery where he goes in and removes the part of the disc that is rubbing against my nerve.  It wasn't all good news.  My two lowest discs are degenerated, meaning that I've got to get it together and strengthen my core and get in better shape if I want to avoid future pain and surgery.

Sounds great, doc.  Fix me up and I'll get on it.  A pretty easy solution to my problem sounded like just want I needed.

Fast forward to Christmas Day.  I take my last ibuprofen and get ready for 5 days of increased pain as I prepared for surgery on December 31st.  We were ready.  Friends were planning on bringing us meals before and after.  Blake would be home in plenty of time for me to recover somewhat.  I started doing my pre-surgery soap every day in the shower.  Ready to go. 

The day before surgery, I was in a significant amount of pain but oh, so close to the finish line.  Then my phone rang.  It was a guy at the hospital calling to tell me how much our out of pocket would be.  OK.  Thought we had already figured that out, but fine.  "Your insurance has informed us that they are willing to cover $825.  So, that's going to be $22,000 that you will be responsible for.  You can either pay that in small amounts through our payment plan or you can bring $12,000 to the surgery and we'll just call it a day" (This is a summary).  Apparently this gentleman thought I was a Gaylord by the matter-of-fact way he told me this little nugget of information.  As I started sobbing, I managed to say "My husband will call you back."  Blake called back and said "Sorry, we're going to have to reschedule this surgery."

It was so perfect.  We had all the details worked out.  One more day of pain and then I was free to live my life again.  Nope.  Wrong.

So, we're in limbo.  I'm still avoiding the pain meds just in case they can squeeze me in early next week. (It's Friday afternoon and I'm still waiting).  The planner in me is stressing out because it was perfect...Blake was going to be home.  Meals would be provided.  Who is going to watch the kids?  How am I going to manage them until this? What if people who brought us meals don't want to do it again? Etc. Etc.

Then yesterday, I was putting Marcus in his swing and I felt it.  If you have back issues, you know what "it" feels like.  It's the immediate realization that something happened that you can'5 un-do and it's going to be a hard few days to two weeks coming up.  I spent all day yesterday on the couch.  It's not as bad as it's been before in the past, but it hurts and I can't do much with the kids.  I am beyond thankful that Blake is here.

So, what is God doing?  Well, I'm not completely sure, to be honest.  I've had my moments where I questioned what is going on.  It was too perfect.  I had a problem and it was going to be fixed.  Done.  Move on with my life.

But God has been pounding something into my heart the past couple of days.  Today is the day He made.  It's not what I thought it would be when I put my weekly calendar up on my fridge.  Today was healing day #2, not laying around day #2 waiting to find out if/when I can have surgery.  Today was supposed to be a day where I could go for a walk and experience life without the leg pain.  Instead, it's a day where I watch my husband work so hard to do the things around here that I'm supposed to be doing.  It's a day where Jordan climbs in my lap and says "Mommy, why are you sad?  Does your back hurt?"  Yes it does, sweet thing. 

But it's the day He made.  It's not a wasted day.  I have the kind of personality that measures the success of the day with of my to-do list.  Did I get the dishes done after every meal?  Excellent.  Did we go to the park? Great.  Did I make a dent in the laundry? Yep. Awesome.  Good, I did my job and brought glory to my Father.  On normal days, this might be the case but what is "normal" anyway?

I have examples in my head of women who are dear to me who used their "wasted time" to glorify God.  Kelsey wrote encouraging notes to me on days where she was suffering from cancer.  Ann prays for people while she is at home healing from cancer surgery.  I have something to do with today.  Just because I can't "do tasks" does not mean I am wasting the day.  I am responsible to glorify God with THIS DAY.  This day where I can barely walk.  This day when I have to ask my husband to put my baby in my lap so I can hold him.  This day when I won't make any progress on the house.  This day when I can't do tummy time with Marcus and when I can't take Jordan to the park. 

This is the day that the Lord has made.  Let me rejoice and be glad in it.  And not waste it bemoaning all of the things I can't do.  There is plenty for me to do right here on the couch while I wait to see what He will give me to do tomorrow. 

Trip to the Science Museum

The other day, Blake took a day off from work.  He had hurt his back a little and stayed home, but started feeling better, so he suggested a trip to the Science Museum.  It was so much fun!  I love going on a day/time when there are few people and this time we had the run of the place.

 

This is the only picture of Marcus because he slept the rest of the time!

 

They have a new little area when the kids can build a house.  This boy loved hauling bricks.

 

Painting! When he moved the roller, the lights changed.

 

Watching the trains.

 

Racing!

 

So tired!  And so much fun!

 

Lessons From My Toddler: Daily Provision

Two things you learn quickly if you spend any amount of time attempting to parent a toddler: 1. Depravity is real.  That sin nature is there to see in all it's glory!  2. The things that they do with their actions are often things that I do in my own heart.  Since I've been a Follower of Jesus for nearly two decades, I can easily forget that I am a sinner saved by grace.  I always know the proper way to behave and most of the time, accomplish that.  But my heart is what God wants to continually mold to be like him.  Then the actions that follow will truly glorify Him.

So, back to Jordan.  He has taught me so much about how to ask (or how now to ask!) for things.  He is a creature of habit, which is weird considering how much of a force of nature he is.  Here's our morning routine:

1. He calls out from me from his bed. (He hasn't figured out that he can just get up and I'm keeping that a secret). 

2. He continues to call out for me in a louder and more insistent way until I come and open the door.

3. He gets out of bed and turns of his "noise". (If I do it...wrong move).

4. He gathers a certain, undetermined number of animals and blankets that he carries or (not so) gently requests that I carry for him.

5. We walk down the hall to the living room and find a prepared glass of milk or water-juice (water with a squirt of crystal lite flavoring.)  The glass should be placed in a location where he can easily grab it on his way to the recliner.

6. He drinks his milk and we snuggle and watch the news until he is done and he is ready to get up.

7. I fix him a breakfast of oatmeal and some sort of fruit.

8. Our day begins.

If any of these is altered in any way, well, good luck.

I love our daily routine!  I'm going to miss the days when he wants to climb into my lap.  It's a little more complicated with another little person who needs me, but thankfully, Jordan has gotten used to Marcus being a part of our snuggle-fest if he needs to join us.

So, if you could, mentally draw an arrow from the space between #6 and #7. 

6.5 Jordan communicates with me by some means that he is hungry.  Over time this has become, "Mom, can I have some 'eatmeal'?"  Of course, let's do it!  That means I can drink my coffee once we complete all of the steps.  I am so down with giving him his "eatmeal", especially because I'm his Mom and I want him to eat.  I provide that for him every day.  He expects it and finds security in it.

So what is the point here?  Well, partially this is a good place to reference anyone who might be babysitting him to make sure that they get the routine right. 

But, I've been thinking about the idea of God giving me my "daily bread".  I've never once had to miss a meal.  Every morning there is something to eat for breakfast.  It's usually tasty breakfast food, but every once in a while it's leftovers or something odd.  But I always get my breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, etc.  I always have oxygen to breathe and a warm place to sleep.  I always have  His Word to go to so I can find wisdom or encouragement.

But how often do I ask for God's provision?  Do I just expect it to be there?  Or even worse, am I like Jordan who loses his cool if we are out of oatmeal and he has to eat something terrible like waffles?  If I don't get exactly what I want, do I throw a fit?

Well, I can pretty much guarantee that you won't come over and find me rolling on the floor and throwing things like Jordan does.  But if you looked in my heart, would you see my discontent with my minivan and the cd player that doesn't always work?  Sigh.  Yes.  You would also see my whining about how we don't have nice bedroom furniture and that our living room furniture is all hand-me-downs (some from 1984).  And you would probably see my complaints about being interrupted when I am busy doing something I enjoy to go change a diaper.  Yep.  It's pretty ugly.

When Jesus showed us how to pray in The Lord's Prayer, he taught us to ask for our "daily bread".  So, we're not supposed to just expect it.  We're supposed to ask for it.  When we get it, we're supposed to be thankful for what it is.  And we're actually supposed to go to the Lord and thank him for it.

I cannot tell you how much joy I get when we're snuggling in the chair and Jordan says "Mama, can I have some 'eatmeal', please?"  And then when I get it for him, he says "Thank you, Mama."  It's so simple and yet it makes me feel so appreciated.

How much more can I bring joy to my Heavenly Father by asking and thanking him for his gracious provision?  One of my favorite authors is Elisabeth Elliot and she talks about how we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Every second of every day.  Even the hard days or the days that we are lacking, we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Lord, help me to be thankful for your minute by minute provision.  I have everything I need and more.  I am blessed.

 

Just Do Something!

Since my friend Kelsey died of cancer in July, the Lord has been bringing to my mind so many things that I learned from her.  Sometime I will sit down and write them all down so I won't ever forget, but there is one specific thing He keeps laying on my heart that I wanted to write about now.

The way my friendship with Kelsey started just perfectly describes who Kelsey was.  After our time in North Africa, I had joined a small group of girls who met every Tuesday night for prayer.  At some point, Kelsey joined the group as well.  We would each spend about five to ten minutes updating the group on our lives and specific prayer requests.  Over time, we were able to go deep and bear one another's burdens through prayer.  These girls are some of my dearest friends, even today.

One night, I shared my desire to have a baby and our struggle with infertility.  I think it might have been one of Kelsey's first times to the group, but the very next day she called me and invited me to hang out with her.  She told me all about her struggles with infertility and a miscarriage before she was able to give birth to Alexa.  From that day on, she poured herself into our friendship.  She was constantly checking on me, writing me notes, sending me Scripture, recommending books and songs to listen to, and spending time with me.  It was a tough road to get to Jordan, but she was there every step of the way. 

All the while, Kelsey would talk about other friendships or people she was meeting with.  Other girls in the church would talk about how she had reached out to them when they had a miscarriage or were struggling with infertility.  I was constantly amazed and how she was able to maintain so many relationships and yet, when I was spending time with her, she treated me like the most important person in her life.

The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens.  She was so good at that.  She was there for me on some of the hardest days of my life.  What a gift!

So, you think I would have learned from her and been able to give back to her what she gave to me.  I confess that I did not learn as much as I should have in time to really pour into her.  I regret that I did not make myself as available to her in her great times of need.  I was unsure of how to be there for her.  I learned so much about prayer and really did commit myself to bearing her burdens through prayer, but it wasn't until a few months before she passed away that I realized how much more she needed from me.  She needed people to be there for her.

Here are some qualifications the Holy Spirit did not add on to the command to "Bear one another's burdens".  Some of these I struggled with more than others.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have been through what the person is going through.

Not many people know what it feels like to be told that there is nothing more than can be done to save them from cancer.  I don't.  I also don't know what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage, or lose a child, or be the victim of abuse.  This does not excuse me from bearing someone's burdens.  But if I know of someone who is walking a road that I have experience in, my responsibility to walk with them is even greater!

Bear one another's burdens...if you know exactly what to say.

I don't.  Hardly ever.  When someone cries, I get uptight and awkward.  I don't know the perfect thing to say in every situation.  All Kelsey needed was someone to listen and to walk through those days with her.  This dawned on me one time during early May when I had gotten a gift for her that I knew she would like.  I was really trying to find ways to encourage her, but I was afraid of getting in the way.  I got it wrapped and ready and texted her to tell her I was headed her way to drop something off for her.  I said that I would leave it on the porch so I wouldn't be a bother.  She texted back and asked me to please come in.  We ended up chatting for thirty minutes and her sweet Momma even played with Jordan so I could talk to her.  It finally occurred to me that she didn't need me to give her gifts or write her the perfect card, she needed me to come sit with her and be her friend.

On another note, God has given us plenty of Scripture that we can share with one another.  I know on my dark days, the things that still stay with me are the verses that people gave me to meditate on.  God has equipped us with exactly what we need to say to one another...His Word.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have plenty of time.

Is there anything more important than meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ?  If the world will tell we are God's children by our love for one another, then shouldn't we get busy doing this?  Send a gift card, swing by and drop off a frozen meal, offer to clean, offer to watch kids, bring by ice cream or cookies.  We are all busy but we should never be too busy that we can't do what God told us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have everything together and your life is perfect.

This was my biggest mistake.  I had a rough 2013 too.  It was hard.  Losing those babies to failed adoptions hurt.  But, this did not give me the right to focus on myself and leave the bearing of my friend's burdens to the friends who weren't going through hard times.  I need to take my eyes off of my own problems and look for how to help others.  Everybody has hard times.  If God tells me to do something and reminds me of someone who is hurting, it is sinful and selfish for me to wallow in my hard times.  Sure, there was grieving to be done and it's not a bad thing to receive help from others, but there is a time to weep and then a time to get busy doing what God has called us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you are a paid staff member of a church.

I don't think much needs to be said about that!

Bear one another's burdens...if you that is your spiritual gift.

I understand that we all have things we are good at, but that doesn't excuse us from doing all the things God commands us to do.  For example, just because I am not gifted at evangelism and it is hard for me does not mean I am excused from sharing the Gospel.  So, just because you are not creative in ways to serve or really good and talking to someone who is hurting does not excuse you from obeying what God has commanded.  He promises to show Himself strong in our weaknesses.  Let him use you!


I'm sure there are other excuses that I'm not thinking of.  These are just some that came to mind.  I am thankful that I realized the best way to meet Kelsey's needs before it was too late.  I am thankful for the visits we did have, especially the ones near the end, when she was in the hospital.  I will always remember her beautiful face soaking in the hymns and songs we sang as a group around her bedside.  I gained more from those experiences than I gave.  I got to experience God's presence in ways I had never experienced Him because I was obedient and loved on my Sister in Christ.