A Year Changes Everything

One year today, a baby girl was born.  We named her Ruby and were itching to get to the hospital and hold her and bring her home.  We had spent a couple of months getting to know her birthmom and getting used to the idea of having a girl around here.  Finally, a week before her due date, I decided to get her room ready.  I had hesitated because we had already had two adoptions fail in the previous year.  That was one of the hard things was packing up the room the previous two times.  But, this one looked good.  And what were the odds of us having another one go wrong?  So, I decorated it and sorted clothes and laughed at the idea of Blake dressing a girl.

Two days passed.  We waited and waited for someone to tell us we could go get her.  I started to get nervous, but still...the odds were with us.  This couldn't happen a third time.

We still have no idea what was really going on.  All we know is that on January 9th, we got The Call...again.  No baby girl.  Ruby would not be ours.  I don't remember much.  I remember calling the first person on my phone list...my poor Aunt Laurie who answered only to hear me sobbing and she couldn't do anything to help.  Jordan was sitting in his high chair watching me with a confused look on his face. At some point I went for a walk in the freezing rain that was coming down.  The Polks sent us pizza.  Blake's mom came over.  I really can barely remember anything except that feeling.  The feeling of being betrayed, afraid of the future, grieving over the loss, and despair over my inability to have biological children.  I desperately wished for that control that I wanted over my own life that other people seemed to have (Lies, I know!).

It was hard to see what God was doing.  What I didn't know is that I was already pregnant with a little boy.  I didn't see what was coming.

I didn't see Alison jumping up and down screaming "You're pregnant!" as I tried to process what that test was showing me.

I didn't see the joyous and completely shocked faces of our family and friends as we shared the news.

I didn't see the night of the baby dedication (before most of our church family knew the news) where we knew God had provided a baby but we still couldn't bring ourselves to walk in that sanctuary, knowing that there were three babies that we dreamed of raising to walk with the Lord who were in other homes.

I didn't see the nausea and the difficulties of the first trimester.

I didn't see the day where we found out our baby was a boy and we gave him the name Marcus. 

I didn't see the surprisingly difficult task of packing up all of the girl clothes in that closet, but then the joy of pulling out all of our boy stuff and getting it ready.

I didn't see the laughs we would get from people's comments about how hot it would be all summer and how miserable I would be (like I hadn't already thought of that!).

I didn't see the misery of the last couple of weeks when I was practically begging my doctor to get him out.

I didn't see the crazy day when Marcus decided to come, right in the middle of an OU game that Blake was attending.

I didn't see the sweet little baby that they gave me to hold.  Oh, he is sweet.

I didn't see the evenings with my boys where Marcus just watched his brother and giggled at all of the funny things he did.

I didn't see any of this coming.  And yet, God did.  God knew exactly what was coming.  He had a plan.  I never lost faith, but I definitely asked questions.  I still have some questions.  But I do know that God is good.  That he gave us the desire for another baby and He gave us a baby, in his unique timing.  He worked miracles and gifted us with this precious baby boy who I just adore.  I am a Mommy of two boys and I wouldn't change my life for anything.  Because I know that I have exactly what I need.