Peter

In preparation for Easter, I have been reading the last few chapters of each four Gospels over and over during my quiet times.  It has been really helpful to prepare my heart for remembering Christ's death on the cross as well as His resurrection.  I feel like Easter always catches me by surprise and I wanted to be ready this year. 

It's interesting what God shows you when you follow Him in faith.  The first thing that I have been focused on is Peter.  He is so eager to do the right thing.  I get that.  I'm a people-pleaser.  A do-gooder.  I'm all in.  You say "Jump"...I say "How high".  At one point, Jesus is telling them that He is going to be crucified and of course, Peter says "No way that's happening.  If I have to die, I won't let that happen."  (That's of course, my words, not his.)  But, I understand his attitude...if I believe in something, I hang on for dear life.  I think through "what-if" scenarios and I've decided what I will do.  For example, if someone ever tried to harm one of my children, well, of course I'd fight them off.  They would rue the day. :)  I've got this.

But Jesus tells Peter "No, you're not going to do anything.  In fact, before the rooster crows, you will have denied me three times."  If Jesus had told me that, I would have been skeptical at best.  "No way," I would have said.  "Not a chance.  I will never fail.  I love you.  I care too much. I'm all in."  Well, we know that poor Peter...he did fail.  When crunch time came, he didn't do what he said he would.  He was a coward.  He didn't stand for what he believed in.  We know he wept when the rooster crowed and he remember what Jesus had said.  I get that, too.

We all do this.  We all fail.  We wake up in the morning and say "That thing I'm struggling with.  I can beat that.  I'm not failing again.  I'm strong.  I can do it."  We read Scripture and think, "OK, box checked.  Thanks God.  I've got this now."  And then what do we do?...we fail.  Again and again and again.  We're not strong.  We're not brave.  We get distracted.  We choose to do things that we know are wrong even though we said we wouldn't.

It's the power of sin over us.  Peter needed Christ to go to the cross, conquer sin and death, and be raised again.  He needed to be made new.  He needed the Holy Spirit.  So do we.

We know what the right thing is, but we choose wrong.  We know something is bad for us, but we do it anyways.  We want what we can't have.  We grumble and complain.  And we can't stop.  Not without Christ. 

Romans 13:14 "But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify it's desires." 

On Being An Introverted Mom...

There are some stories in Scripture where I am completely challenged...who Jesus is and what He does is so far from where I am at, that I know it will take many years of sanctification to learn to be more like Him.  Or a lifetime.

And then are there are some places in Scripture where I feel like I understand and it brings me comfort to know that I can be myself and who I am is enough.  Those are very few and far between...no, actually they are non-existent.  That's because when I look at the life of Christ, I should be challenged and convicted...because He is a perfect example.  He does everything right.  He is sinless and loving and kind and wise and all of the things that I long to be. 

So, when I was reading in Matthew 14 the other day, I was reading along and feeling pretty good about myself.

The chapter begins with the violent, disgusting story of the execution of John the Baptist and then verse 13 tell us that Jesus heard the news...

I paused and thought, "Wow, that would be so tragic.  It's his cousin and the one who went before him to proclaim that Jesus was bringing the kingdom of God.  It would have been a really personal loss.  So sad."

And what was Jesus' response?  Well, it was actually really comforting to me.  It says "he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself." (Verse 13)  That's exactly what I would have done.

Actually, being an introvert, a desolate place by myself sounds like the perfect response to everything.  Stressed? Withdraw.  Tired? By myself.  Happy? Desolation works.  Probably not on a boat because I get sick.  But, reading that Christ went to be alone brought me some comfort and joy that how I respond to tragedy and feelings is not out of the ordinary and ungodly.

It was not until several years into adulthood that I came to terms with the fact that I am an introvert.  I was always thought being any introvert was super-lame.  I am a very social person and suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out).  I make friends easy.  I don't mind being the center of attention.  So, I assumed I was an extrovert.  I thought introverts never wanted to be with people.  But when I took a personality test during training to go overseas, it told me I was an introvert.  A pretty severe one.

And it makes sense when I think about the idea of being refreshed and re-energized.  And the diagnosis was confirmed when I lived overseas.  It became very apparent that if I did not take some time to be alone, I quickly became over-exhausted and anxious and had a very bad attitude about the work we were doing.  Taking one "day of rest" a week is what gave me what I needed to be out and talking to people.

Learning this about myself was very helpful and I fully embraced my introversion...until I became a mom.  To Jordan. The kid who strikes up a detailed conversation with every stranger possible.  The one who wakes up saying "What are we going to do today? Where are we going?"  And oh, Marcus.  My verbal processor who can be located within 3 feet of me every minute he is awake.  And if I close the door on him, his toes or fingers are sticking under the door, just to remind me that he is there.  As close to me as possible. 

Did I mention that they don't nap?

Nobody told me that about being an introverted mom...even babies are people who suck your energy.  Even when Jordan was a baby who did nothing besides cry and not sleep, I began to realize that I needed alone time.  I NEED it.  If I go too long without it, my brain feels like it will explode and I start dreaming of a hotel room by myself, or the grocery store by myself, or the bathroom...

I recognize the need and intentionally try to meet it.  I seek out alone time with God and alone time with my thoughts or my couch.  I put it on the schedule.  I wake up at 5:45 every morning so I can meet this need and it helps me so much as I deal with the energy level these two extroverts throw at me.  And this is just the everyday stuff...it is even more important as I deal with grief or stress or anxiety.  I recognize this need and that God created me this way and that He understands.

So, when I paused to think about Jesus alone and dealing with his grief over his cousin, I got it.  I understood.

And then came the crowds...

Verse 14: "When he went ashore, he saw a great crowd and he had compassion on them and healed their sick."

Maybe I do need to go on a boat...

When Jesus was done with his time alone with God, He was immediately surrounded by people who needed him.  I get the image of them just standing on the shore waiting for him to step foot in the shallow water.  They were probably yelling at him and begging him for help.  That would have made me want to turn around.  It is hard for me to go from glorious alone time and jump right into the crazy.  This is evidenced by the deep anger I feel when either of my children have the audacity to come over their room before I finish my coffee or my quiet time.  I mean, really.  How dare they wake up a few minutes early?!! :)

But Jesus didn't turn around, He had compassion on them and got right back to the work He was called to.

It's just two tiny verses, but it has started a major evaluation process for me about my attitude towards my kids, Blake, or anything that would dare interrupt my beloved, set-up-on-a-pedestal, IDOL of being alone.  The problem isn't that I have the need or that I seek to meet this need.  The problem is that I put it above the needs of other people.  People who I am called to treat as more important than me.  People who need to be loved the way that Jesus loved the people waiting for Him on the shore.

So, what does this mean?  It means that God is not surprised when Jordan gets up and comes out before I finish my cup of coffee.  It means that I have everything I need from Him and when my day goes differently than I had planned; that I am still called to love people and to honor Him with my attitude and my heart.  So much conviction.  So many opportunities to practice this discipline of walking every moment with God and allowing Him to be enough to sustain me.  Even in the grocery store.

Losing Myself, Part 3 - The Ugly

The first two blog posts came easy.  But it's been three weeks, so I figured I probably better finish the series.  I would hate to leave you thinking that I'm just this strong-minded Supermom who decided to lose weight and just did it.  That's not the truth.  It's not even close to the truth.  What is true is that God brought me face to face with my ugly, deep-rooted sin that had a hold of my heart.  And then, because He is good, He equipped me with the tools I needed to battle with this sin.  And it's a battle that I am literally fighting right now, as I sit here writing this.

So, to summarize the first two posts:

The Bad - Over 200 pounds. A slave to food. Back surgery.  Facing a life of pain management and degenerated discs.  No self-control and constant discouragement.

The Good - Going to the gym consistently.  Lifting weights.  Slow change over time.  Encouragement of friends and family.  Getting strong.

OK, now to the ugly.  Sigh.  This is going to take a while.

It was a year ago. The day before Thanksgiving.  I had a conversation with a good friend who has been alongside me on this journey for a long time.  She called me and was trying to encourage me about how I could persevere even though my support system (aka bribing myself to do good things group) had fallen apart.  I was facing the start of the holiday season and just decided to do my best.  The same as every holiday season.

What she did was encourage me to set boundaries.  It was something she had learned from "Taste for Truth" a Bible study that she had done.  I was skeptical, but liked the idea.  I didn't think I could stick to a calorie goal on Thanksgiving day, but I told her that I would only eat one plate of food.  Well, surprise surprise, I didn't stick to the boundary I set for myself.  I mean, really.  One serving of Thanksgiving food?  My favorite foods?  They are only available one day a year!  How could I only have one serving?  If I am ever on death row (I don't anticipate this, by the way), and I chose my last meal, it would be Thanksgiving food.  So, of course, like every year, I went to town on the food.  And this pace of eating continued the next day, and the next day, and so on and so forth.  You know the drill...it's the holidays.

A few days after we got home, I got that Bible study in the mail as a gift from my friend.  Of course, I was a few pounds heavier than the day before Thanksgiving and feeling disgusted with myself.  So, I was ready to try it.

Here's the premise:  Boundaries are good.  God wants us to set boundaries and breaking them is sinful.  We don't get a day off from every other battle with sin, so why would we give ourselves permission to break our boundaries.

There's more to it than that, but that's what I was hearing.  And here's my response: "The rest of my life?  As if!  Every day?  I can't do that.  And why would I want to?  I can control myself.  This lady doesn't know what she's talking about.  I don't have a problem.  I just need to try harder."

And over the course of the next few weeks, I gain a half pound here, a half pound there.  I was still working out, but I was in this avalanche of food and couldn't stop.  By Christmas day, I was ready to face the sin that God had made it clear that I was living in.  Most of the time, I start my diets on New Years day so I can have that extra week to eat the Christmas candy and treats that were left over.  But this time, I was done.  I was done with it all.  I was appalled at myself and how much I had gained back.  But more than anything, my sin was laid bare in front of me.

So here's what God showed me about my relationship with food:

I am an entitlement eater, not an emotional eater.

I thought I didn't have a problem with food because I don't eat emotionally.  When I have a rough day, I am more inclined to lay on the couch and binge-watch a tv show than I am to go get ice cream or over-eat.  So, I never really faced the negative view of food that I have.  But God showed me that instead of running to food to comfort myself, I was eating food to get my share/my portion.  Let me explain...

I grew up overseas.  One of the things that I remember so well as a child is looking forward to "American food".  People would come visit us and bring special things we couldn't get...I can't even remember what the list was, except for Dr. Pepper was always on it!  And because they were special, they were in limited supply.  In no way do I fault my family for this, but my attitude was always to get my share.  Since it was rare and special, I wanted to make sure I got what was my portion.  So, when my mom got marshmallow creme and made her amazing fudge...I ate and ate and ate to make sure that I got at least my share.  My metabolism and activity level hid my problem well!

Then as I grew up, my metabolism slowed down and I began to gain some weight.  But I still didn't see the problem.  When we went to Morocco for two years, the same thing happened.  People would visit and bring us special American foods...Dr. Pepper, poptarts, candy, etc.  I would immediately divide them into equal portions.  One friend of Blake's who came to visit started eating out of my stash and I almost LOST. MY. MIND.  "How DARE he eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?  That is mine.  He can get one any time.  I never get them.  The audacity."

Ugly, right?

Well, it turns out this entitlement and getting my share isn't limited to living overseas or to special foods.

Here's an example:  I make 24 chocolate chip cookies.  There are 4 of us in this house.  So that's 6 cookies per person.  My intention is never to eat 6 cookies (or more, because the kids don't need 6) that day.  I plan on eating them slowly over the next few days as I have calories available.  But Blake comes home and eats 4.  So he's at a faster pace than I am so I need to pick up the pace or he's going to eat mine.  So I do, and before you know it, the cookies are gone.

Entitlement eating.  I want my share.  My portion.  It's irrational.  I could go to Walmart, buy the supplies and make more chocolate chip cookies at any point.  But, I want what's mine.  I deserve what is mine.

Ugly and selfish.

So, through several weeks of time in Scripture, the Lord brought a couple ofverses to me that I have memorized and then used to approach my selfish and unhealthy relationship to food.

Romans 13:14
"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify it's desires."

Psalm 16:5-6
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."

So, two things:

1. I am constantly to be renewing my mind and setting aside the desires of the flesh.  For me, this means daily committing to this battle.  Every day, and sometimes more often, I go to the Lord and ask for His strength to make good choices.  Does this mean that I am perfect every day?  Not even close.  I've probably failed more days than I have succeeded.  But every day, I recommit.  Sometimes every hour.  I think about what I will be doing that day and plan my eating ahead of time.  I readjust when there are surprises.  There are no "I'll start again tomorrow" allowances or "I'll start again Monday" days.  It's an awareness of the potential that I could be taken over again by my flesh and start pursuing food instead of Jesus.  The potential is always there.  But so is Jesus.

2. I have to recognize that the portion God has given me is good.  I know how many calories it takes to feed my body to be able to do what I need to do.  That is enough to nourish my body and to enjoy food.  If that day includes a cookie or two and I am still within my limits, that is good.  If I don't get to exercise and am more limited, saying no to extra treats is good too.  God has given me some very clear boundaries and they are for my good.  He is not with-holding good things from me.  I struggle with the same thing in finances.  My portion is secure.  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.

So, what are my boundaries?

1. Stick to my calorie allotment every day for the rest of my life.  I have five exceptions...my birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving day, and Christmas.  I also have made the exception that fruits and veggies don't get counted.  So at the end of the day, if I have not done well, I don't have to starve.  I figure if I get fat on bananas and snow peas, then more power to me.

2. No second helpings except for vegetables and fruits.

3. No drinking pop (soda for you non-Okies) that I pay for.  This has helped me immensely financially too!

Are they easy?  No.  Are they for my good? Yes.  Will it ever be easy to stick to them?  Probably not.  Is God good and forgiving when I fail?  Always.  Does He give me everything I need to overcome?  Absolutely.

So, there you have it.  I hope that when you notice that I've lost weight, you see God's work in my life.  He could have left me where I was.

He didn't and I owe Him everything.

Losing Myself Part 2 - The Good

This post is a little uncomfortable to write because I hate sounding like I am patting myself on the back for my accomplishments.  The truth is my health is a gift from God and if this experience has taught me anything, it is to be grateful for what I have...even on the days I experience pain.

Speaking of pain, before I had back surgery, I lived on narcotics.  It was the only way to survive.  I am grateful for a successful surgery and recovery and for the progress I have made with my weight loss/strength gain because now, I can knock out the nerve pain with an ibuprofen.  And I really only need to do that about once a week or so.  I've learned it's all about stretching and staying loose through consistent exercise.

But I'll back up....Get it?  "BACK up"?  Never mind. Jordan would be rolling his eyes at me right now.

I was post-surgery and after a brief couple of great weeks, I started experiencing continued pain.  I was scared and frustrated that my entire life could consist of this level of pain.  I also began to fear the degenerated discs I have and the possibility of future surgeries, even more invasive than what I had gone through.

I went to Physical Therapy where I learned how to stretch well.  I learned what muscles lay on top of the damaged nerve and how to take care of them.  I learned safe ways to do things like pick up things off the ground without bending.  I finally started to feel better and a tad more confident about my future.

I also learned how weak I was...Everything that supports my spine (from my rear to my abs) was pathetic and possibly non-existent.  So, I decided to go back to the gym.

Thankfully, my gym had recently opened a Kids Club, so I dragged two year old Jordan and little baby Marcus and left them with the sweet workers and hoped for the best.  We had some rough days, but now, my kids walk in there like they own the place.  They pretty much do...we are there four days a week!

I went straight to my safe place...the elliptical in the dark Cardio Cinema room.  I focused on the formula...counting my calorie intake and burning what I needed to.  But I knew I had to add strength training at some point...I just wanted to get skinnier and stronger before I tried it!

Well, somehow I ended up trying the Body Pump class and God blessed me with an instructor who had the exact same surgery I did 16 years before me!  She was able to walk me through the lifts and help me modify to meet my needs.  I started with the teeny tiny weights and have gone to this class for 2 1/2 years and am much stronger.  In fact, I'm the strongest I've ever been in my life...and this includes the teenage sports-playing years.  In those days of yore, I only did pushups if my coach yelled at me to.  I kind of wish I could go back and show 17 year old me how to do a real pushup, but I guess it's not possible. :)

So, for me, strength training is the key.  Low weight, a million reps over years has resulted in much more muscle tone than if I had pushed myself hard and injured myself.  I've even been able to build enough that I can do SOME higher impact things like box jumps...mostly because I can control the landing.

I still have many limitations...I always joke that the teachers should pay me to be the "Modify Girl" if they ever make a video.  I can't (and won't) do dead lifts except with an empty bar.  No jumping jacks or double-leg jump roping.  My abs are still needing a lot of work, especially the ones responsible for twisting because when I try to twist intentionally, they fight back.  They have been trained so well to never twist, that they resist.

But, the biggest blessing of the whole "getting stronger" experience other than the getting stronger and being a much more fun and health mom part...is my gym family.  God has blessed me with many teachers, trainers, and fellow exercisers who push me, but understand my limitations and don't make me feel like I have to keep up.  They even caution me at times to rethink something...which competitive me doesn't always enjoy.  ("Hey Carol, you know if you squat with no weight, you can actually do the whole movement which will work the muscles you want to work instead of not really doing anything beneficial at all...")  But they have blessed me beyond measure by their support!

OK, so there's the secret to my weight loss...strength training and burning more calories than I took in.  You might be saying "Duh! That's not a secret".  You're right.  It's not.  Actually, I've left one thing out...the real key to everything.

Remember in Part 1?  That whole issue of slavery to food?  Well, going to the gym didn't fix that problem.  The problem of sin having a hold on my life.  The problem of self-control.  The really fierce, ugly battle I had to fight with sin.  I'll share more about that in Part 3.  That's not only the key to my weight loss, but my victory I've had over that master in my life.  It's a battle I continue to fight every day and will fight every day for the rest of my life.

By the way, I'm a nicer and more fun Mom now!  I am not in pain all of the time, so I'm less cranky.  And when the boys want to do something active...I can say "Yes!  I'll chase you all over the OU campus!" when they want to ride their bikes.

"Every good gift is from above..."

If you missed part one...

https://livinglindley.blogspot.com/2017/10/losing-myself-part-1-bad.html

Losing Myself Part 1 - The Bad

I have lost 30 pounds in 3 years.  It does not sound like a huge number, especially in a Biggest Loser world where we see people drop a hundred pounds in a few months on a reality show where they are completely isolated from their family, their temptations, their reality...but that's another story, right?  I have had many people ask me how I did it.  So, I thought I would share my journey to this point...but it's a road I will walk for the rest of my life.  It's not a quick fix.  It's been about much more than diet and exercise. 

So, in this first post, I'll go back to where I was 3 years ago...weighing over 200 pounds and in horrific, debilitating pain from a ruptured disc.  Waiting for surgery to "fix" it so I could "fix" myself.  But that wasn't really the beginning.

My food issues have existed a lot longer than my weight issues have existed.  My weight issues began to happen towards the end of college and only increased in severity as I got older. My food issues boil down to this: I. Love. Food.  I do...I love it.  I love to eat good food.  I love to eat dessert.  I love fudge at Christmas time.  I love chocolate chip cookies.  I love to go to a Mexican restaurant and devour chips and queso.  And then devour a chimichanga.  And then a sopapilla.  I love Chinese buffets and the plethora of deliciousness there.  I love Italian restaurants and eating more than my share of bread dipped in olive oil.  And then finishing off pasta with some sort of cheesy white sauce.  I love food.

It probably sounds crazy to confess this, because who doesn't love delicious food?  But seriously, I LOVE food.  More than I should.  I remember one time, I told Blake "I think I'm a slave to food."  He agreed, which of course immediately hurt my feelings.  I knew I was in a bad place by the time I turned 30 and was mom of two little bitty boys.  But I didn't know what to do about it.

So I just tried harder.  I've been on so many diets.  In college, I did the South Beach Diet.  I lost six pounds in two weeks.  It was amazing.  And then I gained it back plus more because I was so hungry.  I tried Weight Watchers.  Nope.  I tried the "Don't Eat Until You Are Really Hungry" diet.  Fail.  I tried counting calories.  Cue obnoxious buzzer sound.  I couldn't overcome my gluttony.  So, I would quit until I moved up a size of pants again.  And I'd try something else.

What about exercise?  Yes.  I did some.  I played 3 sports in high school which hid my food problem.  I worked out some in college, but not enough to fully hide that Freshman Fifteen.  I still played soccer on a rec team, so I burned some calories.  But the weight kept adding up in small amounts.  I started running and training for a 5K.  I'm competitive so I got into it for a while.

In my late 20's, I had a group of other moms who did a points challenge.  I finally found something that motivated me and got me to the gym and to control what I ate.  I earned points and hopefully money at the end of each challenge so I did what I needed to do and lost a noticeable amount of weight.  It was accountability but I depended completely on other people and what they did to be successful.  When they dropped out of the challenge, I stopped.

And then I got pregnant.  I was super excited and didn't gain a ton because I was sick.  I stopped exercising because I was sick and had a two year old.  I had a baby and thought "Alright, now I'm going to lose this and be the fit and trim mom I've always wanted to be."

Cue the back pain.  And the MRI.  The PT.  The meetings with the neurosurgeon.  The surgery.  The recovery.  And the limitations.  No running.  No treadmills on inclines.  No bending at the waist.  No twisting.  No jumping.  No high impact workout.  Did I mentioned degenerated discs to worry about?  And I still loved food.

Thankfully, God did not leave me in a hopeless place.  He took me on a journey of learning to be strong and disciplined and a journey of dying to myself.  I'll save that for part 2.

Update on Life

So, I've been drowning for a couple of years now.  Life is super busy when you have two little guys.  They are absolute joys, but boy can they keep me on my toes!  "On my toes" is not somewhere that I am comfortable.  I love routine.  I don't love change.  I am an introvert so all of the talking (and hostage negotiations) just wear my out.  Jordan has a few special struggles that we work through.  I feel like I thriving right now.   But it's taking me every second of my day and every ounce of energy I have.  Sometimes at the beginning of the day, I think about all the hours and tasks left and thing, "How am I going to do this?"  And most days at the end of the day, I think about all of the hours and tasks completed and all of the surprises and fits and fights and mashed fingers and hurt feelings...and I think "How did I do that?"  The answer is simple:  It's all God's grace.  Seriously.  He is so good to me and to my kids to give us everything we need.

So an update on where the boys are...

Jordan is almost 5 (what????).  He is in Pre-K and is loving it.  And I love watching him learn.  I am so grateful that we are doing school at home because I get sad thinking about all of the growth I see, even from day to day...I would miss that!  School at home is great for his needs.  We break it into 4-5 ten to fifteen minute segments in the day...(Reading aloud, hand-writing, art, Bible time, and his favorite...ABC Mouse on the computer).  I structure those segments around things that help him meet his sensory and routine needs (gym, time with friends, playing at the park, free time alone, swinging on the tree branches in the back yard...and gymnastics!).  Every day is a little different but we kick off the day every morning by watching the morning news together, eating breakfast and making our to-do list.  He needs to know that to expect and the day is so much smoother with it!

He is a smart kid.  I know everyone says that, but he is so observant and remembers everything.  He tells me things all of the time that shock me.  I feel like it's a big practical joke...that Blake tells Jordan things that happened from his baby days and he repeats.  But nope.  Not a joke.  He remembers...or at least remembers the stories.  So, needless to say, if he can focus, he excels at learning.  For example: it was Halloween time and the word BOO was everywhere.  He asked what it said and I showed him B + OO...and then he saw ZOO a few days later and read it.  His brain is so amazing.  It's a privilege to spend time with him every day.

Marcus is two (what???).  He is about the easiest, sweetest two year old I know.  He is so sweet.  He talks all day.  He does everything Jordan does.  I love hearing his language develop.  It is so much earlier than Jordan did.  And he is smart, too!  Today, I heard him count to ten.  I know he doesn't understand the concept of numbers, but he hears it enough during the day so he's memorized it.  I'm sure he will learn so much from hanging around while we do school.

The funniest thing about Marcus is that he is gigantic...and barely two!  So, he talks like a caveman.  And looks like a three year old.  People ask him questions and he says one word or just stares.  And I explain, "He just turned two.  He's a giant!"  Another great thing about Marcus is his obsession with his OU had.  He wears it every day.  Every day.  Sometimes he sleeps in it.  If we're not leaving the house, he puts it on.  It's so cute and so funny.  He is a bright spot in our days every day.  No one loves people like Marcus does.  He's a precious gift.

So, one last update and maybe I'll blog sometime before a year and a half passes by!  The entire time when Marcus was a baby, we knew we wanted to adopt again.  So after last Christmas, we started the paperwork.  We've gotten all the way through the paperwork and are officially a "waiting family".  However, something has changed in our hearts.  We both feel God telling us that now is not the time.  For me, that means I need to make my peace with just having two children. (JUST is a funny word considering there were years that I pleaded with God to give me JUST one!).  We both wanted more than two, but we are drowning.  We are drowning financially, which is not a big deal.  But add that to the business of life and the amount of effort and time we give to Jordan...and yes, I'm drowning.  We adopted him and that means we give him our best.  And adding another kid would not allow us to give him our best.

One week ago, we suspended our adoption.  It was sad, but filled with so much peace.  It wasn't a decision we took lightly, but we know it's right.  I feel like without the stress and pressure of knowing we could get "the call" any day, I can give even more of myself to these precious boys who are a gift.  I don't understand why God would lead us towards adoption and then tell us to stop, but trusting and obeying has brought peace.  So here we are.  A family of four and very happy about it.

The Big One

Dear Marcus,

Happy Birthday!  I cannot believe you are one.  This past year has gone by so fast and I just want to stop time.  But I'm glad that I can't, because I would have stopped it a year ago and missed out on the special little boy that you are.  Every stage of this past year has been wonderful.  You were a pretty easy baby, but even when things haven't been easy (the spit-up days, the "don't-leave-me-alone" days)...well, your sweet spirit just makes everything better.

You are the  perfect bend of sweet and wild.  You are patient and kind and gentle.  And yet, you are the first one to start a wrestling match or climb up on the couch and fall on your head.  (Thankfully, you've learned not to fall on your head, so that makes life easier!)  You are smart and silly and love to be with people.

You are not as much of a snuggler as Jordan is in the morning, but you make up for it throughout the day.  If someone is holding you, within a few minutes you will just lay your head on their shoulder.  Even if it is the briefest moment, that little gesture just makes my heart want to explode.  And you are sweet to just about everyone who will hold you.  You love people.

Your two favorite people: Your Dad and your brother.  Both of those guys just make your day.  When Dad comes home, he can't walk  by you without picking you up or you will follow him crying.  You will stay in his arms all day if he would let you.  You can't get enough of him.  And Jordan makes you giggle and laugh and all you want to do all day is follow him around and play with him.  He doesn't always enjoy that part of being a brother, but he loves you.  Your Dad and I get so much joy from seeing you two love each other.  A couple of days ago, while we were on a walk, Jordan reached over and held your hand.  It is such a wonderful thing to see you two grow closer.

You are a precious gift from God and I hope you always realize that.  You are miraculous, not just in how you came into this world, but the way you've made it a better place, even in just one year!  You are loved by so many and most importantly, you are loved by Him.  He created you just the way you are...and I am so thankful to have you as my son.  I wish I could find better words to let you know just how loved you are!

I love you, buddy.  Welcome to year #2!

Mom

 

You love your birthday presents!

 

Kelsey

I've been thinking about writing this for a long time.  I have wanted to share a little about my friend and her impact on my life with those who prayed for her and didn't have a chance to meet her.  But mostly, I want to do it for me.  The impact she had on my life is immeasurable, even though we were only friends for a few years.  Kelsey went to be with Jesus on July 5, 2014 after her battle with epithelioid sarcoma, a very rare form of cancer.  The past year has been hard and odd as I've adjusted to life without her.  It's been infinitely more hard on her family...her husband, daughter, parents, and sister.  When I dwell on my grief, my thoughts and prayers automatically go to them. 

Kelsey was that girl who was so vivacious and so magnetic that you couldn't help but notice her.  The first time I met her was at a women's retreat.  I only remember her as the girl who was either married to or engaged to Chris (I can't remember!).  She seemed to radiate joy and was always surrounded by people.  I didn't get to know her at all at that time, but I remember her.

A couple of years later, when I returned from Morocco, I joined a small group of girls who meet every two weeks (we still do!) to pray and encourage one another.  Kelsey started coming around the same time.  Her daughter Alexa was a baby and we became friends during those times.  But it wasn't until I shared something deep that we really connected.  I shared with the girls how we were trying to have kids, but were not having any success.  I remember crying and feeling embarrassed at how vulnerable I was being.  But the very next Sunday, Kelsey pulled me aside and told me that she had struggled with infertility and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out.

Some time in that next week, I went over to Kelsey's house.  It was the first of MANY times that we got together at her house or somewhere else and talked.  I stayed for a long time, probably most of the afternoon.  It was the beginning of MANY times that we spent talking and laughing (and most of these occasions involved some sort of dessert!).

There was the time I helped her decorate for Christmas.  She was showing off her beautiful dishes and we laughed about how Chris almost died trying to get them out of the attic.

There was the time we went for a walk and talked about music and the songs that really spoke to us.  At the time, the song that was in my heart was "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I still can't hear that song without thinking of the raw emotions of that season of my life.

Then there was the time after her second miscarriage that I had signed up to bring her and Chris a meal.  I ran into them that day and convinced her to come out to eat with me and Chris graciously let us.  We ate Mexican food and walked all over campus.  We ended up eating ice cream and talking about our favorite reality shows until 11 pm.  I think we spend six hours talking.  It was cathartic for both of us.

There was the conversation where she shared with me how she tried to instill music into Alexa.  She's the reason that I bought the entire Praise Baby cd set and played them relentlessly to Jordan.  Her investment paid off because when she was in the hospital, Alexa was sitting in the waiting room singing "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me..."  Her sweet voice will forever stay with me as she, in her innocence, sang a song that was so meaningful to what she is facing now.  I remember sharing that with Kelsey and being able to encourage her that her investment in her daughter paid off.  Kelsey is the reason that Jordan and I sing together all of the time.

When Blake's dad died, I had so many people reach out to encourage me.  But Kelsey is the one who brought a cd called "Songs of Hope and Peace".  She left it on my porch and when I called to thank me, she listened to me sob on the phone for an hour.  I distinctly remember her telling me that all of the hurt and pain (we were still waiting for kids!) that I was experiencing at that time had to be preparing me for something.

That next Sunday when she saw me at church and she ran over and shared with me about a book called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn.  She encouraged me to read it, and of course, I did.  It's changed how I view heaven and has encouraged me greatly as I grieved for my father in law and now as I grieve for her.  Reading that book has really made me long to be with Jesus.  I'm so thankful for her encouragement.

Then Jordan was born!  An answer to prayer!  Kelsey and Alexa came over and Kelsey held him every second she was in my house.  She left quickly when Alexa started coughing.  She was a much bigger germaphobe than I was and I was sad that she left, but I guess I didn't want my baby getting sick. :)

There was the conversation we had about adoption.  She shared with me how she would love to adopt, but they just didn't have a peace for pursuing it at that time.

There was the play date at the park where we stayed longer than our kids wanted to because we were enjoying the conversation.  We had neglected time together and committed that we were going to make sure that we spent more time together.

There was the harsh words we exchanged with each other one day.  It wasn't a fight, but we apologized later that day.  I felt so unsettled that we weren't ok, but of course, by the time we finished talking, we were fine!  At the time, I didn't know that she was probably very stressed about the lump she was about to go to the doctor to find out about.

There was the day she shared about her cancer.  I remember thinking that because it was in her arm, it probably wasn't that big of a deal.  I wish I had been more concerned and supportive.  (There are so many things I wish I had done better during this season).

We had a party for her to give her scarves and earrings to compliment her new hair-do when she shaved her head because of the chemo.  I was so nervous to see her but I can very clearly remember how beautiful she looked.  She embraced that season with so much bravado and I was so proud of her.

There were the many conversations we had about her cancer.  I asked a lot of questions because I wanted to know how to pray.  As the cancer progressed, it was clearly more serious, but she was always fighting.  She always had things she was doing to fight the cancer.  It never occurred to me that she wouldn't beat it.  I prayed and prayed and tried to find ways to encourage her.

There were the many days that I didn't know what to say.  I would text her a verse or write her a card, but I felt at a complete loss.

There was the playdate right after our third failed adoption when I was absolutely despondent.  I felt bad for dumping it all on Kelsey, but she asked!  In the midst of her own extremely hard time, she encouraged me.  She encouraged me by being real.  She told me that she sometimes felt angry.  That she asked God "why".  That she was afraid of the future.  And yet, she was clinging to her faith and reminding me to do the same.  If we compared suffering on a scale, hers was much greater, but she didn't care.  She saw a friend who was hurting and was such a blessing to me that day by letting me know that the feelings of hopelessness and grief I was experiencing were normal!

There was the celebration of finding out I was pregnant!

Then the phone call after she got the news from her doctor that there was nothing medically that could be done.  We talked for 30 minutes about prayer and she told me that this was not a last-ditch thing.  Prayer is what God called us to do and through the "Praying for Kelsey" page on facebook, I went to battle for my friend in the middle of the night many nights for three months.  I got up at 2 am on the nights that I was able to and spent an hour pouring through Scripture and praying through them.  I begged God for my friend's life.  I pleaded with him to comfort and bless her and her family.  I cried a lot and I experienced God's presence in very special ways. 

There was the day that I went to drop off a gift for her.  I texted Kelsey and didn't want to bother her so I was just going to leave it on her porch.  She asked me to stay and her mom took Jordan outside to play so we could sit together.  She was in so much pain but still so feisty.  She told me that she expected to be invited to Marcus' shower (we didn't know he was a boy yet!).  I found out he was a boy two days later and texted her and she was so excited to hear that and reminded me again that she wanted to come to his shower.

Finally, there was the hospital.  I went to see her and was so blessed by her.  I went a few days later with our girl's group and we prayed and sang with her.  It was a pretty rushed time because they had to do a procedure in the middle of it.  When we went in to say goodbye, she asked us to sing some more.  Our friend Angie sang "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" to her and we all listened and watched.  It was one of those moments I will never, ever forget.  I wanted to close my eyes because the reality of what was happening was too much.  But I couldn't because I wanted to soak that moment in.  Angie sang and Kelsey sang.  I couldn't hear her because she was so weak but her eyes were closed and she was worshipping.  I stood there with tears streaming down my face, taking it in.  It was beautiful and horrible at the same time.  The memory of her determination to worship despite the circumstances will always be an encouragement to me.

Then the last time I saw her.  Another time of singing and praying.  And when I left her room,  I kissed her on the cheek and told her I loved her.  She told me she loved me and I knew that I would never see her again in this life.  It was strangely peaceful.

She died a few days later and grief has come and gone.  There are times that I want to pick up the phone and call her and realize I can't.  I've come across several hand-written cards that started the tears flowing. 

In between all of those moments with Kelsey that stand out are countless hugs at church, times of hanging out, phone calls, texts, notes, and other great memories.  She was such a wonderful, faithful, and loyal friend.  She was one of a kind.  We could be crying together one moment and laughing hysterically at something another moment later. 

And the crazy thing is, there are so many friends who have the same experience with her.  Kelsey had a way of investing in people and making them think that they were the most important person in the world.  I know of many people who she reached out to because she heard they had had a miscarriage or were going through sometime she had experienced.  I don't know how she managed all of her friendships but she was loyal to every single one of them.  She was the best.

The investment she made in me will last a lifetime. I've learned so much from the conversations we had, but also in the way she lived.  I learned about the ways that I failed as a friend and also that I can always start new and do better the next time.  God gave Kelsey as a gift for so many people and I am thankful to be on of those who got to enjoy her while she was here.

A Place to Call Home...

It's hard to believe we have lived in this house for four years.  When we moved here, we felt so silly living in such a big house.  We were in the adoption process, but it was just the two of us at that point.  We had only been back from Africa for a year and were living in a one bedroom apartment.  We really didn't have a lot of things.  In fact, we had some funny-looking empty spaces throughout this home.  But God had given us the opportunity to live here for very low rent (we weren't aware of how low at the time!) and we were excited to move here, especially since we hoped to bring home a baby or two into this home.

We love this house.  We have some wonderful memories.  We brought home two little boys and all they know is this home.  We've walked hundreds of miles around this neighborhood.  Jordan can tell you the way home from any point on our walks.  We've laughed at our "hippie" neighbors and seen four classes of OU students move in and move out.  We've had snow, tornadoes, and torrential rain come through and we've watched it all through the big windows in the front of the house.  Jordan took his first steps in this living room.  Marcus is crawling all over this house like it's his domain.  It's been a blast.

But all the while, we knew that this was not our permanent home.  We knew the day would come that we had to leave and June 26, 2015 is that day.  We are sad, but very excited about our next stop.  I married a man who longs to live overseas, so every stop is temporary.  But he married a girl who loves to be home, so every stop we make becomes our home.  Our world map shower curtain goes up and I decorate.  We're bringing our belongings and making a new house our new home.  And the way it's happened has been incredible.

We've known that mid-July is when we need to be out of this home, but I decided that May or June would be better since my parents are coming to Norman in July and we will be moving them in.  Plus, my sister is getting married and it would be nice to be settled during all of the crazy that will be happening those two months!  So, we put the word out and started looking.  We called a man who owns several homes in town and has a great reputation and he told us to call back in two weeks (this was in the beginning of April).

Thirteen days later, something came out of nowhere.  A precious family from our church contacted us to let us know they would have a home available and if everything worked out, they would let us live there for $50 cheaper than we live here.  We never saw the home, other than on the outside.  They had some details to work out before we knew for sure.  We waited two weeks and then God closed the door.  We weren't upset with this family because things happen and clearly God wanted us to live somewhere else, but it was hard.  It was such a great situation...a fenced yard and three bedrooms.  Anyone who rents in Norman knows that those two things = very expensive!

This is when things got tough.  I started to worry.  What if God wants us to live in a two-bedroom apartment?  Why would he make us think that we could live in a three-bedroom house and then take that away?  What if I'm not content enough and God wants to teach me to be more grateful? Etc.  So many battles in my mind about God's goodness and his willingness to provide.  I was forced to confront what I believed about God and where my heart truly was.  True, space is better when you have two little boys, but can I be happy with God's provision, no matter what that was?  Can I content myself with down-sizing and getting rid of some of our stuff?  What if God wants to put us somewhere to share His love with a neighbor who needed us to be there? 

Every five minutes was a new thought and a new truth to consider.  My heart was exposed.  It wasn't all horrible.  There were times that I would see a listing online and imagine us living there and get excited about it.  I tried to look for the good in every place and God kept closing doors.  A two-bedroom duplex with a backyard? It seemed to work ok, but I just didn't have a peace about it, especially because the yard was disconnected from the home.  A two-bedroom condo in a neighborhood we love? The balcony was too dangerous for Jordan.  We saw places and just could not find the right one.

Then, God did it.  He has provided in a way that we NEVER saw coming.  And once again, He has used His people to love on us and bless us.  A gal from our church messaged me on Monday and said that they wanted to offer their rental to us at a discounted price.  (I had seen this house on facebook and didn't even look because I knew it was out of our price range).  I messaged her back and told her our budget and thank her for thinking of us.  Then she shocked me by saying that they knew that our budget was low and wanted to bless us with this house...in a great neighborhood, with a fenced yard, three bedrooms, a storm shelter...and a pool!  WHAT???  Their generosity just blows me away.  It is such a testimony of their faith in the Lord to sacrifice profit so that we can have a home that is not only comfortable, but beautiful.

We saw the house on Sunday and loved it.  My mind is spinning with how to decorate and how much Jordan & Marcus are going to love it. 

To be honest, my first reaction was to say no.  It's too much.  We do not deserve to live in a home like this and it feels weird to enjoy things like a pool when we struggle so much financially.  But we asked and God provided.  He laid it on this couple's heart to be a blessing and it would be wrong for us to refuse what He is choosing to bless us with.  So we move in June 26th.

In light of the grace God has shown us, we have made two commitments about this home:

1. We will ENJOY living there!  We're going to swim all summer.  We're going to play in the yard.  We're going to decorate it and go for walks and make lots of memories.  We're going to have Thanksgiving dinner and put up Christmas lights.  God gives good gifts and this is a really good one!

2. We will use it to bless others.  We will have people over to swim and play with us.  We will invite people to use the storm shelter with us.  We will invite our neighbors and our friends who need to know about Jesus.  This home is now just for us to enjoy, but for us to open the door and allow others to enjoy with us.

We are so blessed and so thankful for our next adventure!

Life Verse

Many years ago, some friends had a family Bible that they asked us to sign.  It was a super neat idea.  Everyone would write their names next to their "life verse".  I had several friends who had a life verse.  They all sounded really great and spiritual and I felt the pressure to find mine.  I don't remember what I picked.  Clearly, it made an impact on my life!  I'm sure it was something about persevering or running a good race or something from Ephesians 1.  I wanted my life verse to reflect my level of spirituality.  I wanted it to define me. 

Well, God has given me a life verse.  It's a verse that we teach our children.  It's a simple verse. I remember singing it as a child to a cute little tune (actually, the tune haunts me when I don't want to dwell on this verse!).  God has given this verse to me more than any other verse in His word. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

It's pretty simple.  I don't know anything.  God knows everything.  All I have to do is acknowledge Him and trust Him.  He will lead me to where I need to go.

And yet, when Satan attacks me with those fiery darts, I turn to my self-pity and my worry.  I turn to my desire to control my life.  And all it does is leave me anxious and doubting God who has proven to me over and over again that He is my provider.

When I desperately wanted a baby and it just wouldn't happen.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

God led us down a winding path, through times of waiting, past closed doors, through all the paperwork, to one adoption agency, to another adoption agency, and eventually to Jordan.

When we needed $5,000 to be able to finalize Jordan's adoption.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

God gave us the perfect amount from two different places within days.

When we found out two days later that we needed another $5,000 to finalize.  So discouraging!  We didn't think there was any way that God could do it again.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

I ended up sobbing in the frozen section at Homeland because I received a call that someone had walked in and paid our entire bill.

When we had to leave Baby Jake at the hospital with his birthmom.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

We got to be a part of an amazing story and we had the opportunity to shower Baby Jake and his family with love by giving everything we had been given to them.

When we had two more losses.  Two sweet baby girls we didn't get to bring home.  I thought it was hopeless.  I didn't understand.  I was terrified to risk my heart again but I desperately wanted another child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

Less than two weeks later, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test.  And God had blessed us with Marcus.

And here I am again.  At a point where I am tired and frustrated with a situation.  All we've done is wait.  And all I want to do is take matters into my own hand.  We are looking at what we thought was an answer to prayer and praying that it will be the answer we desire.  And yet, there is a chance that we will have to move on and wait some more for God to provide.  And I wonder, can He do it again?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

You would think I would learn my lesson!  And in the waiting, I am fighting to take my thoughts captive and dwell on the truth that God has hammered into my heart over and over and over.  And by the looks of it, this will be a life-long lesson.
 

Catching Up

I am always thinking of things to write about.  God is continually teaching me lessons and my intention is always to write them down, but I never quite get to it.  I'm going to TRY (famous last words!) to get better at this.  I honestly don't care if anyone reads this blog...it's just for my own benefit.  I really enjoy going back and refreshing my memory on what God has taught me and what he has done.  Plus, it's nice to keep a record for the kids if they ever want to take a walk back in time!

So, the last time I wrote was Jordan's third birthday.  A lot has happened since then.  It's been quite a time.  I had back surgery on January 14th which has been a challenge to just do normal life and has also buried us (officially) in medical debt.  I am much better but still experiencing quite a bit of pain.  Physical therapy has been a blessing but I still feel  quite a ways from "normal".

Marcus is huge and Jordan is still Jordan!  He really is starting to love on Marcus which of course makes Marcus' day.  We are moving in the next couple of months and I am still trying to decide on whether to put them in the same room or keep them separate.  I would love for them to be in the same room eventually, but neither of them are sleeping through the night enough to make it an easy transition.  I still have some time...

We are getting close to an official diagnosis for Jordan of Sensory Processing Disorder.  It's been a rough road, but knowing what it is makes it easier for me to be patient with him.  He is brilliantly smart and has an incredible personality, but just cannot keep himself under control when he is with other kids.  It's constant biting, hitting, and pushing (and me apologizing).  On top of that, he is a big distraction when he is in his classes at church.  It's hard but I know that recognizing it and helping him early will be the best way to help him and with God's help, he should be fine.  I look forward to what God is going to do with his precious life!

So, that's where we are.  Moving, but not sure where.  On the verge of intervention with Jordan's SPD.  Constant back pain. Graduate school.  Grammy and Pappa headed home soon.  Abby getting married.  Plus all kinds of other things going on.  But God's my constant and is my ever-present help!

Three!

Dear Jordan,

You have been looking forward to today for five months!  I'm not kidding, since your first friend in your class had her birthday, you've been arguing and begging for your birthday to come.  And it's finally hear and little guy, you birthday-ed yourself out today!  You went to the gym with me and announced to everyone we passed that you were three and it was your birthday.  We played outside.  We wore silly hats.  We ate Mexican food....you tore it up!  You opened presents.  You had at least one meltdown.  And you ate cake.  In fact, your dad gave you one last piece of cake before bed and you just had to put your hat on.  It's almost as if you had to squeeze every last ounce out of the day.

Buddy, that is how you live your life.  You are passionate..  You play hard, you fight hard, you love hard.  Your energy level is incredible and now that you know how to talk, you ask a million questions.  But nothing you do is more special to me than your snuggles and how you tell me and your Dad that you love us.  You are so sweet and kind that it makes it easy to forgive the fits and the exhausting moments.

You have made great strides this year!  You have really learned a lot of self-control.  Sometimes when we see you start to "lose it", we will tell you to take a breath and it helps.  Well now, sometimes I will watch you play and you get frustrated, and then you stop and take a breath.  It's amazing to watch you learn and grow.

Speaking of playing, you have the best imagination.  I never know what you are picturing in your head while you play with your trucks and set up little tracks for your trains to run on.  Sometimes, I feel like I could sit and watch you play for hours.

Buddy, the easiest way to say this is: "I adore you."  You are a one of a kind, special boy and a gift to our family.  I love everything about you, even the hard things because that is exactly who God created you to be.  He will take those stubborn tendencies and fiery passions and make you into a man you loves God and can serve him whole-heartedly...which is how you do everything now!

I love you and Happy Birthday!!

Mom

 

A Year Changes Everything

One year today, a baby girl was born.  We named her Ruby and were itching to get to the hospital and hold her and bring her home.  We had spent a couple of months getting to know her birthmom and getting used to the idea of having a girl around here.  Finally, a week before her due date, I decided to get her room ready.  I had hesitated because we had already had two adoptions fail in the previous year.  That was one of the hard things was packing up the room the previous two times.  But, this one looked good.  And what were the odds of us having another one go wrong?  So, I decorated it and sorted clothes and laughed at the idea of Blake dressing a girl.

Two days passed.  We waited and waited for someone to tell us we could go get her.  I started to get nervous, but still...the odds were with us.  This couldn't happen a third time.

We still have no idea what was really going on.  All we know is that on January 9th, we got The Call...again.  No baby girl.  Ruby would not be ours.  I don't remember much.  I remember calling the first person on my phone list...my poor Aunt Laurie who answered only to hear me sobbing and she couldn't do anything to help.  Jordan was sitting in his high chair watching me with a confused look on his face. At some point I went for a walk in the freezing rain that was coming down.  The Polks sent us pizza.  Blake's mom came over.  I really can barely remember anything except that feeling.  The feeling of being betrayed, afraid of the future, grieving over the loss, and despair over my inability to have biological children.  I desperately wished for that control that I wanted over my own life that other people seemed to have (Lies, I know!).

It was hard to see what God was doing.  What I didn't know is that I was already pregnant with a little boy.  I didn't see what was coming.

I didn't see Alison jumping up and down screaming "You're pregnant!" as I tried to process what that test was showing me.

I didn't see the joyous and completely shocked faces of our family and friends as we shared the news.

I didn't see the night of the baby dedication (before most of our church family knew the news) where we knew God had provided a baby but we still couldn't bring ourselves to walk in that sanctuary, knowing that there were three babies that we dreamed of raising to walk with the Lord who were in other homes.

I didn't see the nausea and the difficulties of the first trimester.

I didn't see the day where we found out our baby was a boy and we gave him the name Marcus. 

I didn't see the surprisingly difficult task of packing up all of the girl clothes in that closet, but then the joy of pulling out all of our boy stuff and getting it ready.

I didn't see the laughs we would get from people's comments about how hot it would be all summer and how miserable I would be (like I hadn't already thought of that!).

I didn't see the misery of the last couple of weeks when I was practically begging my doctor to get him out.

I didn't see the crazy day when Marcus decided to come, right in the middle of an OU game that Blake was attending.

I didn't see the sweet little baby that they gave me to hold.  Oh, he is sweet.

I didn't see the evenings with my boys where Marcus just watched his brother and giggled at all of the funny things he did.

I didn't see any of this coming.  And yet, God did.  God knew exactly what was coming.  He had a plan.  I never lost faith, but I definitely asked questions.  I still have some questions.  But I do know that God is good.  That he gave us the desire for another baby and He gave us a baby, in his unique timing.  He worked miracles and gifted us with this precious baby boy who I just adore.  I am a Mommy of two boys and I wouldn't change my life for anything.  Because I know that I have exactly what I need. 

Wasted Time

I can't sugar-coat it...it's been a hard few days.  Let me explain how we got to where we're at with me on the couch and Blake being Mr. Mom.

About a month after Marcus was born, I started to feel pain in my hip (or so I thought).  I thought it was a muscle issue, but every time I went for a walk, it would get worse.  I felt the pain begin to radiate down my leg and into my foot.  Nothing made it feel better, even rest.  Then came the tingling and the sensation of a lump on the bottom of my foot.  I figured that it was about time to seek professional advice!

My family doctor immediately suspected a disc issue and within two days, I had an x-ray and an MRI and went to visit a physical therapist.  While waiting for the test results, I went to several appointments with the therapist and nothing we did helped at all.  Finally the results were in...a very severe herniation of my L-5/S-1 disc.  I cried and the doctor was so compassionate and assured me that yes, I was too young for this nonsense.  Surgery was in my future.  The question was, what kind of surgery and could I be fixed?

We visited the neurosurgeon the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and loved him.  He was compassionate and reassuring.  We were excited to hear that my issue can be fixed with a procedure called a "microdiscectomy".  It's an out-patient surgery where he goes in and removes the part of the disc that is rubbing against my nerve.  It wasn't all good news.  My two lowest discs are degenerated, meaning that I've got to get it together and strengthen my core and get in better shape if I want to avoid future pain and surgery.

Sounds great, doc.  Fix me up and I'll get on it.  A pretty easy solution to my problem sounded like just want I needed.

Fast forward to Christmas Day.  I take my last ibuprofen and get ready for 5 days of increased pain as I prepared for surgery on December 31st.  We were ready.  Friends were planning on bringing us meals before and after.  Blake would be home in plenty of time for me to recover somewhat.  I started doing my pre-surgery soap every day in the shower.  Ready to go. 

The day before surgery, I was in a significant amount of pain but oh, so close to the finish line.  Then my phone rang.  It was a guy at the hospital calling to tell me how much our out of pocket would be.  OK.  Thought we had already figured that out, but fine.  "Your insurance has informed us that they are willing to cover $825.  So, that's going to be $22,000 that you will be responsible for.  You can either pay that in small amounts through our payment plan or you can bring $12,000 to the surgery and we'll just call it a day" (This is a summary).  Apparently this gentleman thought I was a Gaylord by the matter-of-fact way he told me this little nugget of information.  As I started sobbing, I managed to say "My husband will call you back."  Blake called back and said "Sorry, we're going to have to reschedule this surgery."

It was so perfect.  We had all the details worked out.  One more day of pain and then I was free to live my life again.  Nope.  Wrong.

So, we're in limbo.  I'm still avoiding the pain meds just in case they can squeeze me in early next week. (It's Friday afternoon and I'm still waiting).  The planner in me is stressing out because it was perfect...Blake was going to be home.  Meals would be provided.  Who is going to watch the kids?  How am I going to manage them until this? What if people who brought us meals don't want to do it again? Etc. Etc.

Then yesterday, I was putting Marcus in his swing and I felt it.  If you have back issues, you know what "it" feels like.  It's the immediate realization that something happened that you can'5 un-do and it's going to be a hard few days to two weeks coming up.  I spent all day yesterday on the couch.  It's not as bad as it's been before in the past, but it hurts and I can't do much with the kids.  I am beyond thankful that Blake is here.

So, what is God doing?  Well, I'm not completely sure, to be honest.  I've had my moments where I questioned what is going on.  It was too perfect.  I had a problem and it was going to be fixed.  Done.  Move on with my life.

But God has been pounding something into my heart the past couple of days.  Today is the day He made.  It's not what I thought it would be when I put my weekly calendar up on my fridge.  Today was healing day #2, not laying around day #2 waiting to find out if/when I can have surgery.  Today was supposed to be a day where I could go for a walk and experience life without the leg pain.  Instead, it's a day where I watch my husband work so hard to do the things around here that I'm supposed to be doing.  It's a day where Jordan climbs in my lap and says "Mommy, why are you sad?  Does your back hurt?"  Yes it does, sweet thing. 

But it's the day He made.  It's not a wasted day.  I have the kind of personality that measures the success of the day with of my to-do list.  Did I get the dishes done after every meal?  Excellent.  Did we go to the park? Great.  Did I make a dent in the laundry? Yep. Awesome.  Good, I did my job and brought glory to my Father.  On normal days, this might be the case but what is "normal" anyway?

I have examples in my head of women who are dear to me who used their "wasted time" to glorify God.  Kelsey wrote encouraging notes to me on days where she was suffering from cancer.  Ann prays for people while she is at home healing from cancer surgery.  I have something to do with today.  Just because I can't "do tasks" does not mean I am wasting the day.  I am responsible to glorify God with THIS DAY.  This day where I can barely walk.  This day when I have to ask my husband to put my baby in my lap so I can hold him.  This day when I won't make any progress on the house.  This day when I can't do tummy time with Marcus and when I can't take Jordan to the park. 

This is the day that the Lord has made.  Let me rejoice and be glad in it.  And not waste it bemoaning all of the things I can't do.  There is plenty for me to do right here on the couch while I wait to see what He will give me to do tomorrow. 

Trip to the Science Museum

The other day, Blake took a day off from work.  He had hurt his back a little and stayed home, but started feeling better, so he suggested a trip to the Science Museum.  It was so much fun!  I love going on a day/time when there are few people and this time we had the run of the place.

 

This is the only picture of Marcus because he slept the rest of the time!

 

They have a new little area when the kids can build a house.  This boy loved hauling bricks.

 

Painting! When he moved the roller, the lights changed.

 

Watching the trains.

 

Racing!

 

So tired!  And so much fun!

 

Lessons From My Toddler: Daily Provision

Two things you learn quickly if you spend any amount of time attempting to parent a toddler: 1. Depravity is real.  That sin nature is there to see in all it's glory!  2. The things that they do with their actions are often things that I do in my own heart.  Since I've been a Follower of Jesus for nearly two decades, I can easily forget that I am a sinner saved by grace.  I always know the proper way to behave and most of the time, accomplish that.  But my heart is what God wants to continually mold to be like him.  Then the actions that follow will truly glorify Him.

So, back to Jordan.  He has taught me so much about how to ask (or how now to ask!) for things.  He is a creature of habit, which is weird considering how much of a force of nature he is.  Here's our morning routine:

1. He calls out from me from his bed. (He hasn't figured out that he can just get up and I'm keeping that a secret). 

2. He continues to call out for me in a louder and more insistent way until I come and open the door.

3. He gets out of bed and turns of his "noise". (If I do it...wrong move).

4. He gathers a certain, undetermined number of animals and blankets that he carries or (not so) gently requests that I carry for him.

5. We walk down the hall to the living room and find a prepared glass of milk or water-juice (water with a squirt of crystal lite flavoring.)  The glass should be placed in a location where he can easily grab it on his way to the recliner.

6. He drinks his milk and we snuggle and watch the news until he is done and he is ready to get up.

7. I fix him a breakfast of oatmeal and some sort of fruit.

8. Our day begins.

If any of these is altered in any way, well, good luck.

I love our daily routine!  I'm going to miss the days when he wants to climb into my lap.  It's a little more complicated with another little person who needs me, but thankfully, Jordan has gotten used to Marcus being a part of our snuggle-fest if he needs to join us.

So, if you could, mentally draw an arrow from the space between #6 and #7. 

6.5 Jordan communicates with me by some means that he is hungry.  Over time this has become, "Mom, can I have some 'eatmeal'?"  Of course, let's do it!  That means I can drink my coffee once we complete all of the steps.  I am so down with giving him his "eatmeal", especially because I'm his Mom and I want him to eat.  I provide that for him every day.  He expects it and finds security in it.

So what is the point here?  Well, partially this is a good place to reference anyone who might be babysitting him to make sure that they get the routine right. 

But, I've been thinking about the idea of God giving me my "daily bread".  I've never once had to miss a meal.  Every morning there is something to eat for breakfast.  It's usually tasty breakfast food, but every once in a while it's leftovers or something odd.  But I always get my breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, etc.  I always have oxygen to breathe and a warm place to sleep.  I always have  His Word to go to so I can find wisdom or encouragement.

But how often do I ask for God's provision?  Do I just expect it to be there?  Or even worse, am I like Jordan who loses his cool if we are out of oatmeal and he has to eat something terrible like waffles?  If I don't get exactly what I want, do I throw a fit?

Well, I can pretty much guarantee that you won't come over and find me rolling on the floor and throwing things like Jordan does.  But if you looked in my heart, would you see my discontent with my minivan and the cd player that doesn't always work?  Sigh.  Yes.  You would also see my whining about how we don't have nice bedroom furniture and that our living room furniture is all hand-me-downs (some from 1984).  And you would probably see my complaints about being interrupted when I am busy doing something I enjoy to go change a diaper.  Yep.  It's pretty ugly.

When Jesus showed us how to pray in The Lord's Prayer, he taught us to ask for our "daily bread".  So, we're not supposed to just expect it.  We're supposed to ask for it.  When we get it, we're supposed to be thankful for what it is.  And we're actually supposed to go to the Lord and thank him for it.

I cannot tell you how much joy I get when we're snuggling in the chair and Jordan says "Mama, can I have some 'eatmeal', please?"  And then when I get it for him, he says "Thank you, Mama."  It's so simple and yet it makes me feel so appreciated.

How much more can I bring joy to my Heavenly Father by asking and thanking him for his gracious provision?  One of my favorite authors is Elisabeth Elliot and she talks about how we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Every second of every day.  Even the hard days or the days that we are lacking, we ALWAYS have EXACTLY what we need.  Lord, help me to be thankful for your minute by minute provision.  I have everything I need and more.  I am blessed.

 

Just Do Something!

Since my friend Kelsey died of cancer in July, the Lord has been bringing to my mind so many things that I learned from her.  Sometime I will sit down and write them all down so I won't ever forget, but there is one specific thing He keeps laying on my heart that I wanted to write about now.

The way my friendship with Kelsey started just perfectly describes who Kelsey was.  After our time in North Africa, I had joined a small group of girls who met every Tuesday night for prayer.  At some point, Kelsey joined the group as well.  We would each spend about five to ten minutes updating the group on our lives and specific prayer requests.  Over time, we were able to go deep and bear one another's burdens through prayer.  These girls are some of my dearest friends, even today.

One night, I shared my desire to have a baby and our struggle with infertility.  I think it might have been one of Kelsey's first times to the group, but the very next day she called me and invited me to hang out with her.  She told me all about her struggles with infertility and a miscarriage before she was able to give birth to Alexa.  From that day on, she poured herself into our friendship.  She was constantly checking on me, writing me notes, sending me Scripture, recommending books and songs to listen to, and spending time with me.  It was a tough road to get to Jordan, but she was there every step of the way. 

All the while, Kelsey would talk about other friendships or people she was meeting with.  Other girls in the church would talk about how she had reached out to them when they had a miscarriage or were struggling with infertility.  I was constantly amazed and how she was able to maintain so many relationships and yet, when I was spending time with her, she treated me like the most important person in her life.

The Bible talks about bearing one another's burdens.  She was so good at that.  She was there for me on some of the hardest days of my life.  What a gift!

So, you think I would have learned from her and been able to give back to her what she gave to me.  I confess that I did not learn as much as I should have in time to really pour into her.  I regret that I did not make myself as available to her in her great times of need.  I was unsure of how to be there for her.  I learned so much about prayer and really did commit myself to bearing her burdens through prayer, but it wasn't until a few months before she passed away that I realized how much more she needed from me.  She needed people to be there for her.

Here are some qualifications the Holy Spirit did not add on to the command to "Bear one another's burdens".  Some of these I struggled with more than others.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have been through what the person is going through.

Not many people know what it feels like to be told that there is nothing more than can be done to save them from cancer.  I don't.  I also don't know what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage, or lose a child, or be the victim of abuse.  This does not excuse me from bearing someone's burdens.  But if I know of someone who is walking a road that I have experience in, my responsibility to walk with them is even greater!

Bear one another's burdens...if you know exactly what to say.

I don't.  Hardly ever.  When someone cries, I get uptight and awkward.  I don't know the perfect thing to say in every situation.  All Kelsey needed was someone to listen and to walk through those days with her.  This dawned on me one time during early May when I had gotten a gift for her that I knew she would like.  I was really trying to find ways to encourage her, but I was afraid of getting in the way.  I got it wrapped and ready and texted her to tell her I was headed her way to drop something off for her.  I said that I would leave it on the porch so I wouldn't be a bother.  She texted back and asked me to please come in.  We ended up chatting for thirty minutes and her sweet Momma even played with Jordan so I could talk to her.  It finally occurred to me that she didn't need me to give her gifts or write her the perfect card, she needed me to come sit with her and be her friend.

On another note, God has given us plenty of Scripture that we can share with one another.  I know on my dark days, the things that still stay with me are the verses that people gave me to meditate on.  God has equipped us with exactly what we need to say to one another...His Word.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have plenty of time.

Is there anything more important than meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ?  If the world will tell we are God's children by our love for one another, then shouldn't we get busy doing this?  Send a gift card, swing by and drop off a frozen meal, offer to clean, offer to watch kids, bring by ice cream or cookies.  We are all busy but we should never be too busy that we can't do what God told us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you have everything together and your life is perfect.

This was my biggest mistake.  I had a rough 2013 too.  It was hard.  Losing those babies to failed adoptions hurt.  But, this did not give me the right to focus on myself and leave the bearing of my friend's burdens to the friends who weren't going through hard times.  I need to take my eyes off of my own problems and look for how to help others.  Everybody has hard times.  If God tells me to do something and reminds me of someone who is hurting, it is sinful and selfish for me to wallow in my hard times.  Sure, there was grieving to be done and it's not a bad thing to receive help from others, but there is a time to weep and then a time to get busy doing what God has called us to do.

Bear one another's burdens...if you are a paid staff member of a church.

I don't think much needs to be said about that!

Bear one another's burdens...if you that is your spiritual gift.

I understand that we all have things we are good at, but that doesn't excuse us from doing all the things God commands us to do.  For example, just because I am not gifted at evangelism and it is hard for me does not mean I am excused from sharing the Gospel.  So, just because you are not creative in ways to serve or really good and talking to someone who is hurting does not excuse you from obeying what God has commanded.  He promises to show Himself strong in our weaknesses.  Let him use you!


I'm sure there are other excuses that I'm not thinking of.  These are just some that came to mind.  I am thankful that I realized the best way to meet Kelsey's needs before it was too late.  I am thankful for the visits we did have, especially the ones near the end, when she was in the hospital.  I will always remember her beautiful face soaking in the hymns and songs we sang as a group around her bedside.  I gained more from those experiences than I gave.  I got to experience God's presence in ways I had never experienced Him because I was obedient and loved on my Sister in Christ.