What I Learned (The Hard Stuff)

"The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, for he has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers. Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false and does not swear deceitfully. He will receive blessing from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek the face of the God of Jacob."

A precious Haitian brother in Christ named William shared this passage of Scripture with us on our last night in Haiti and it put the final blow into what God wanted to show me while I was there.

Going into the trip, I knew there was an issue that God needed to work on and that was my lack of compassion. I can trace this lack of compassion to living in third world countries and to my "pull yourself by the bootstraps" American-ness. You just get so used to seeing needs and not being able to do anything about them, but that does not excuse my hard heart. For about a year, I knew that this was a sin issue, but in order to have compassion, you have to have your heart broken, which is painful. I had a feeling that seeing post-earthquake Haiti would push me toward this, but honestly, I was resistant all trip. It's easier for me to take pictures, crack jokes, or pour myself into the work or serving my teammates than to really feel compassion for people who have needs. That's exactly what I did all week.

What I didn't expect was that God would break my heart and expose some ugly sin at the same time. It turns out that I have been allowing "stuff" to invade my heart. Unfortunately, I was blind to that because I was so busy applauding myself for being so sacrificial by not having cable or by living in a one-bedroom apartment.

Like I said before, I spent all week avoiding the issue. I hid behind my camera all week instead of really pouring my heart into what was going on around me. On the last afternoon, we took a drive through downtown Port-au-Prince, which is where most of the earthquake devastation occurred. It was amazing to see the destroyed buildings everywhere, a year and a half later! There were people everywhere and we drove by enormous tent communities. But I still wouldn't engage my heart in what was around me. I was snapping pictures and taking video and ignoring the Holy Spirit.




I clearly heard the Lord tell me to put my camera down and look. So, I did. Then, He told me to look for women my age that I could identify with. Even with my heart clearly hearing the Lord's voice, I was still resisting. I would see a woman and pass her off as too old or too young, or I would find some reason not to identify with her.

Then I saw a woman from behind. It was just a split second, but that image is burned in my brain. I have no idea how old this woman was or what she looked like, but there were people walking all around her and she was sitting with her back to me, washing her clothes in the gutter which was full of garbage and who knows what else. God reminded me of how often I have complained about how slow my dryer works. I felt very convicted, but a part of me was still resisting the voice of the Lord.

Right after that, we came to a stop next to a bus full of people. They were so crammed in that there was about ten people at exactly at our level who were facing our bus. They were staring at us and at that moment I saw myself through their eyes. I couldn't even look at them, I was so ashamed. God started listing the things that were in my backpack. My chapstick (which I consider a necessary item) costs more than they make in one day. I paid money for a poncho to keep the rain off of me. I spent more money on hand sanitizer than they spend on food for a week. There I was, freshly showered (with a flower in my hair that Larry had picked for all the girls) on my own seat on a bus with a backpack full of luxury items. I couldn't look back, I was so convicted about my ingratitude and unworthiness. I looked away, but I could still see them staring at me. For a good minute, they were right there and I couldn't look at them. God was bringing to mind all kinds of things that I had spent time worrying about. He reminded me of a night a few weeks before where I was worrying about how I was going to make the three

bedroom house we are getting to move into look good with our apartment furniture. The audacity of me wasting time on that thought pierced my heart. I am moving into a home with three rooms for two people (and a future baby if the Lord wills) and I completely ignored the blessings God had lavished on me to waste my time worrying about something so trivial. . The conviction weighed heavily and I still cannot get the image of those people staring at me out of my mind.

I spent most of the afternoon trying to process what the Lord had shown me. Then that night, several Haitian brothers and sisters came over and we had some time to worship. William shared Psalm 24 with us and then told us that he would be praying for us because we were about to go back to a country where we have alot of stuff. He reminded us that it is harder to stay connected to Jesus when we have stuff. The conviction of that statement was absolutely humbling. I had prayed for the Haitian people that they would have more things, and they recognize that having things is a barrier in our relationship with the Lord. Wow! What wisdom to have and what simplicity. It just showed me that I don't need anything but Christ to have joy. It was a very special time to worship with them and allow the Spirit just to reveal all of the earthly things that I have made my idols.

I'm now trying to process and deal with what the Lord shown me. The easy thing to do would be to sell everything I own and move to Haiti. But the Lord wants me to learn how to live a simple life of gratitude in this culture, which is so burdened by materialism. How do I do that?

The song "Ruin Me" by Jeff Johnson is a song that has spoken to me before, but as I've been processing what God has done in my heart, it is a song that has readily come to mind. God answered my prayers in a way that I did not expect. He has ruined my life and my plans and He used Haiti to do that. He used the people in Haiti to break my heart. I have never been so humbled by seeing faith in action, then with seeing their relationships with the Lord. My heart is deceitfully wicked but God is so faithful. I allowed things into my heart that became idols and instead of leaving me where I was, God used Haiti to show me the ugly things in my heart. And then He showed me His holiness, His mercy, His glory, and His great love for us.