Losing Myself Part 2 - The Good

This post is a little uncomfortable to write because I hate sounding like I am patting myself on the back for my accomplishments.  The truth is my health is a gift from God and if this experience has taught me anything, it is to be grateful for what I have...even on the days I experience pain.

Speaking of pain, before I had back surgery, I lived on narcotics.  It was the only way to survive.  I am grateful for a successful surgery and recovery and for the progress I have made with my weight loss/strength gain because now, I can knock out the nerve pain with an ibuprofen.  And I really only need to do that about once a week or so.  I've learned it's all about stretching and staying loose through consistent exercise.

But I'll back up....Get it?  "BACK up"?  Never mind. Jordan would be rolling his eyes at me right now.

I was post-surgery and after a brief couple of great weeks, I started experiencing continued pain.  I was scared and frustrated that my entire life could consist of this level of pain.  I also began to fear the degenerated discs I have and the possibility of future surgeries, even more invasive than what I had gone through.

I went to Physical Therapy where I learned how to stretch well.  I learned what muscles lay on top of the damaged nerve and how to take care of them.  I learned safe ways to do things like pick up things off the ground without bending.  I finally started to feel better and a tad more confident about my future.

I also learned how weak I was...Everything that supports my spine (from my rear to my abs) was pathetic and possibly non-existent.  So, I decided to go back to the gym.

Thankfully, my gym had recently opened a Kids Club, so I dragged two year old Jordan and little baby Marcus and left them with the sweet workers and hoped for the best.  We had some rough days, but now, my kids walk in there like they own the place.  They pretty much do...we are there four days a week!

I went straight to my safe place...the elliptical in the dark Cardio Cinema room.  I focused on the formula...counting my calorie intake and burning what I needed to.  But I knew I had to add strength training at some point...I just wanted to get skinnier and stronger before I tried it!

Well, somehow I ended up trying the Body Pump class and God blessed me with an instructor who had the exact same surgery I did 16 years before me!  She was able to walk me through the lifts and help me modify to meet my needs.  I started with the teeny tiny weights and have gone to this class for 2 1/2 years and am much stronger.  In fact, I'm the strongest I've ever been in my life...and this includes the teenage sports-playing years.  In those days of yore, I only did pushups if my coach yelled at me to.  I kind of wish I could go back and show 17 year old me how to do a real pushup, but I guess it's not possible. :)

So, for me, strength training is the key.  Low weight, a million reps over years has resulted in much more muscle tone than if I had pushed myself hard and injured myself.  I've even been able to build enough that I can do SOME higher impact things like box jumps...mostly because I can control the landing.

I still have many limitations...I always joke that the teachers should pay me to be the "Modify Girl" if they ever make a video.  I can't (and won't) do dead lifts except with an empty bar.  No jumping jacks or double-leg jump roping.  My abs are still needing a lot of work, especially the ones responsible for twisting because when I try to twist intentionally, they fight back.  They have been trained so well to never twist, that they resist.

But, the biggest blessing of the whole "getting stronger" experience other than the getting stronger and being a much more fun and health mom part...is my gym family.  God has blessed me with many teachers, trainers, and fellow exercisers who push me, but understand my limitations and don't make me feel like I have to keep up.  They even caution me at times to rethink something...which competitive me doesn't always enjoy.  ("Hey Carol, you know if you squat with no weight, you can actually do the whole movement which will work the muscles you want to work instead of not really doing anything beneficial at all...")  But they have blessed me beyond measure by their support!

OK, so there's the secret to my weight loss...strength training and burning more calories than I took in.  You might be saying "Duh! That's not a secret".  You're right.  It's not.  Actually, I've left one thing out...the real key to everything.

Remember in Part 1?  That whole issue of slavery to food?  Well, going to the gym didn't fix that problem.  The problem of sin having a hold on my life.  The problem of self-control.  The really fierce, ugly battle I had to fight with sin.  I'll share more about that in Part 3.  That's not only the key to my weight loss, but my victory I've had over that master in my life.  It's a battle I continue to fight every day and will fight every day for the rest of my life.

By the way, I'm a nicer and more fun Mom now!  I am not in pain all of the time, so I'm less cranky.  And when the boys want to do something active...I can say "Yes!  I'll chase you all over the OU campus!" when they want to ride their bikes.

"Every good gift is from above..."

If you missed part one...

https://livinglindley.blogspot.com/2017/10/losing-myself-part-1-bad.html

Losing Myself Part 1 - The Bad

I have lost 30 pounds in 3 years.  It does not sound like a huge number, especially in a Biggest Loser world where we see people drop a hundred pounds in a few months on a reality show where they are completely isolated from their family, their temptations, their reality...but that's another story, right?  I have had many people ask me how I did it.  So, I thought I would share my journey to this point...but it's a road I will walk for the rest of my life.  It's not a quick fix.  It's been about much more than diet and exercise. 

So, in this first post, I'll go back to where I was 3 years ago...weighing over 200 pounds and in horrific, debilitating pain from a ruptured disc.  Waiting for surgery to "fix" it so I could "fix" myself.  But that wasn't really the beginning.

My food issues have existed a lot longer than my weight issues have existed.  My weight issues began to happen towards the end of college and only increased in severity as I got older. My food issues boil down to this: I. Love. Food.  I do...I love it.  I love to eat good food.  I love to eat dessert.  I love fudge at Christmas time.  I love chocolate chip cookies.  I love to go to a Mexican restaurant and devour chips and queso.  And then devour a chimichanga.  And then a sopapilla.  I love Chinese buffets and the plethora of deliciousness there.  I love Italian restaurants and eating more than my share of bread dipped in olive oil.  And then finishing off pasta with some sort of cheesy white sauce.  I love food.

It probably sounds crazy to confess this, because who doesn't love delicious food?  But seriously, I LOVE food.  More than I should.  I remember one time, I told Blake "I think I'm a slave to food."  He agreed, which of course immediately hurt my feelings.  I knew I was in a bad place by the time I turned 30 and was mom of two little bitty boys.  But I didn't know what to do about it.

So I just tried harder.  I've been on so many diets.  In college, I did the South Beach Diet.  I lost six pounds in two weeks.  It was amazing.  And then I gained it back plus more because I was so hungry.  I tried Weight Watchers.  Nope.  I tried the "Don't Eat Until You Are Really Hungry" diet.  Fail.  I tried counting calories.  Cue obnoxious buzzer sound.  I couldn't overcome my gluttony.  So, I would quit until I moved up a size of pants again.  And I'd try something else.

What about exercise?  Yes.  I did some.  I played 3 sports in high school which hid my food problem.  I worked out some in college, but not enough to fully hide that Freshman Fifteen.  I still played soccer on a rec team, so I burned some calories.  But the weight kept adding up in small amounts.  I started running and training for a 5K.  I'm competitive so I got into it for a while.

In my late 20's, I had a group of other moms who did a points challenge.  I finally found something that motivated me and got me to the gym and to control what I ate.  I earned points and hopefully money at the end of each challenge so I did what I needed to do and lost a noticeable amount of weight.  It was accountability but I depended completely on other people and what they did to be successful.  When they dropped out of the challenge, I stopped.

And then I got pregnant.  I was super excited and didn't gain a ton because I was sick.  I stopped exercising because I was sick and had a two year old.  I had a baby and thought "Alright, now I'm going to lose this and be the fit and trim mom I've always wanted to be."

Cue the back pain.  And the MRI.  The PT.  The meetings with the neurosurgeon.  The surgery.  The recovery.  And the limitations.  No running.  No treadmills on inclines.  No bending at the waist.  No twisting.  No jumping.  No high impact workout.  Did I mentioned degenerated discs to worry about?  And I still loved food.

Thankfully, God did not leave me in a hopeless place.  He took me on a journey of learning to be strong and disciplined and a journey of dying to myself.  I'll save that for part 2.

Update on Life

So, I've been drowning for a couple of years now.  Life is super busy when you have two little guys.  They are absolute joys, but boy can they keep me on my toes!  "On my toes" is not somewhere that I am comfortable.  I love routine.  I don't love change.  I am an introvert so all of the talking (and hostage negotiations) just wear my out.  Jordan has a few special struggles that we work through.  I feel like I thriving right now.   But it's taking me every second of my day and every ounce of energy I have.  Sometimes at the beginning of the day, I think about all the hours and tasks left and thing, "How am I going to do this?"  And most days at the end of the day, I think about all of the hours and tasks completed and all of the surprises and fits and fights and mashed fingers and hurt feelings...and I think "How did I do that?"  The answer is simple:  It's all God's grace.  Seriously.  He is so good to me and to my kids to give us everything we need.

So an update on where the boys are...

Jordan is almost 5 (what????).  He is in Pre-K and is loving it.  And I love watching him learn.  I am so grateful that we are doing school at home because I get sad thinking about all of the growth I see, even from day to day...I would miss that!  School at home is great for his needs.  We break it into 4-5 ten to fifteen minute segments in the day...(Reading aloud, hand-writing, art, Bible time, and his favorite...ABC Mouse on the computer).  I structure those segments around things that help him meet his sensory and routine needs (gym, time with friends, playing at the park, free time alone, swinging on the tree branches in the back yard...and gymnastics!).  Every day is a little different but we kick off the day every morning by watching the morning news together, eating breakfast and making our to-do list.  He needs to know that to expect and the day is so much smoother with it!

He is a smart kid.  I know everyone says that, but he is so observant and remembers everything.  He tells me things all of the time that shock me.  I feel like it's a big practical joke...that Blake tells Jordan things that happened from his baby days and he repeats.  But nope.  Not a joke.  He remembers...or at least remembers the stories.  So, needless to say, if he can focus, he excels at learning.  For example: it was Halloween time and the word BOO was everywhere.  He asked what it said and I showed him B + OO...and then he saw ZOO a few days later and read it.  His brain is so amazing.  It's a privilege to spend time with him every day.

Marcus is two (what???).  He is about the easiest, sweetest two year old I know.  He is so sweet.  He talks all day.  He does everything Jordan does.  I love hearing his language develop.  It is so much earlier than Jordan did.  And he is smart, too!  Today, I heard him count to ten.  I know he doesn't understand the concept of numbers, but he hears it enough during the day so he's memorized it.  I'm sure he will learn so much from hanging around while we do school.

The funniest thing about Marcus is that he is gigantic...and barely two!  So, he talks like a caveman.  And looks like a three year old.  People ask him questions and he says one word or just stares.  And I explain, "He just turned two.  He's a giant!"  Another great thing about Marcus is his obsession with his OU had.  He wears it every day.  Every day.  Sometimes he sleeps in it.  If we're not leaving the house, he puts it on.  It's so cute and so funny.  He is a bright spot in our days every day.  No one loves people like Marcus does.  He's a precious gift.

So, one last update and maybe I'll blog sometime before a year and a half passes by!  The entire time when Marcus was a baby, we knew we wanted to adopt again.  So after last Christmas, we started the paperwork.  We've gotten all the way through the paperwork and are officially a "waiting family".  However, something has changed in our hearts.  We both feel God telling us that now is not the time.  For me, that means I need to make my peace with just having two children. (JUST is a funny word considering there were years that I pleaded with God to give me JUST one!).  We both wanted more than two, but we are drowning.  We are drowning financially, which is not a big deal.  But add that to the business of life and the amount of effort and time we give to Jordan...and yes, I'm drowning.  We adopted him and that means we give him our best.  And adding another kid would not allow us to give him our best.

One week ago, we suspended our adoption.  It was sad, but filled with so much peace.  It wasn't a decision we took lightly, but we know it's right.  I feel like without the stress and pressure of knowing we could get "the call" any day, I can give even more of myself to these precious boys who are a gift.  I don't understand why God would lead us towards adoption and then tell us to stop, but trusting and obeying has brought peace.  So here we are.  A family of four and very happy about it.

The Big One

Dear Marcus,

Happy Birthday!  I cannot believe you are one.  This past year has gone by so fast and I just want to stop time.  But I'm glad that I can't, because I would have stopped it a year ago and missed out on the special little boy that you are.  Every stage of this past year has been wonderful.  You were a pretty easy baby, but even when things haven't been easy (the spit-up days, the "don't-leave-me-alone" days)...well, your sweet spirit just makes everything better.

You are the  perfect bend of sweet and wild.  You are patient and kind and gentle.  And yet, you are the first one to start a wrestling match or climb up on the couch and fall on your head.  (Thankfully, you've learned not to fall on your head, so that makes life easier!)  You are smart and silly and love to be with people.

You are not as much of a snuggler as Jordan is in the morning, but you make up for it throughout the day.  If someone is holding you, within a few minutes you will just lay your head on their shoulder.  Even if it is the briefest moment, that little gesture just makes my heart want to explode.  And you are sweet to just about everyone who will hold you.  You love people.

Your two favorite people: Your Dad and your brother.  Both of those guys just make your day.  When Dad comes home, he can't walk  by you without picking you up or you will follow him crying.  You will stay in his arms all day if he would let you.  You can't get enough of him.  And Jordan makes you giggle and laugh and all you want to do all day is follow him around and play with him.  He doesn't always enjoy that part of being a brother, but he loves you.  Your Dad and I get so much joy from seeing you two love each other.  A couple of days ago, while we were on a walk, Jordan reached over and held your hand.  It is such a wonderful thing to see you two grow closer.

You are a precious gift from God and I hope you always realize that.  You are miraculous, not just in how you came into this world, but the way you've made it a better place, even in just one year!  You are loved by so many and most importantly, you are loved by Him.  He created you just the way you are...and I am so thankful to have you as my son.  I wish I could find better words to let you know just how loved you are!

I love you, buddy.  Welcome to year #2!

Mom

 

You love your birthday presents!

 

Kelsey

I've been thinking about writing this for a long time.  I have wanted to share a little about my friend and her impact on my life with those who prayed for her and didn't have a chance to meet her.  But mostly, I want to do it for me.  The impact she had on my life is immeasurable, even though we were only friends for a few years.  Kelsey went to be with Jesus on July 5, 2014 after her battle with epithelioid sarcoma, a very rare form of cancer.  The past year has been hard and odd as I've adjusted to life without her.  It's been infinitely more hard on her family...her husband, daughter, parents, and sister.  When I dwell on my grief, my thoughts and prayers automatically go to them. 

Kelsey was that girl who was so vivacious and so magnetic that you couldn't help but notice her.  The first time I met her was at a women's retreat.  I only remember her as the girl who was either married to or engaged to Chris (I can't remember!).  She seemed to radiate joy and was always surrounded by people.  I didn't get to know her at all at that time, but I remember her.

A couple of years later, when I returned from Morocco, I joined a small group of girls who meet every two weeks (we still do!) to pray and encourage one another.  Kelsey started coming around the same time.  Her daughter Alexa was a baby and we became friends during those times.  But it wasn't until I shared something deep that we really connected.  I shared with the girls how we were trying to have kids, but were not having any success.  I remember crying and feeling embarrassed at how vulnerable I was being.  But the very next Sunday, Kelsey pulled me aside and told me that she had struggled with infertility and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out.

Some time in that next week, I went over to Kelsey's house.  It was the first of MANY times that we got together at her house or somewhere else and talked.  I stayed for a long time, probably most of the afternoon.  It was the beginning of MANY times that we spent talking and laughing (and most of these occasions involved some sort of dessert!).

There was the time I helped her decorate for Christmas.  She was showing off her beautiful dishes and we laughed about how Chris almost died trying to get them out of the attic.

There was the time we went for a walk and talked about music and the songs that really spoke to us.  At the time, the song that was in my heart was "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I still can't hear that song without thinking of the raw emotions of that season of my life.

Then there was the time after her second miscarriage that I had signed up to bring her and Chris a meal.  I ran into them that day and convinced her to come out to eat with me and Chris graciously let us.  We ate Mexican food and walked all over campus.  We ended up eating ice cream and talking about our favorite reality shows until 11 pm.  I think we spend six hours talking.  It was cathartic for both of us.

There was the conversation where she shared with me how she tried to instill music into Alexa.  She's the reason that I bought the entire Praise Baby cd set and played them relentlessly to Jordan.  Her investment paid off because when she was in the hospital, Alexa was sitting in the waiting room singing "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me..."  Her sweet voice will forever stay with me as she, in her innocence, sang a song that was so meaningful to what she is facing now.  I remember sharing that with Kelsey and being able to encourage her that her investment in her daughter paid off.  Kelsey is the reason that Jordan and I sing together all of the time.

When Blake's dad died, I had so many people reach out to encourage me.  But Kelsey is the one who brought a cd called "Songs of Hope and Peace".  She left it on my porch and when I called to thank me, she listened to me sob on the phone for an hour.  I distinctly remember her telling me that all of the hurt and pain (we were still waiting for kids!) that I was experiencing at that time had to be preparing me for something.

That next Sunday when she saw me at church and she ran over and shared with me about a book called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn.  She encouraged me to read it, and of course, I did.  It's changed how I view heaven and has encouraged me greatly as I grieved for my father in law and now as I grieve for her.  Reading that book has really made me long to be with Jesus.  I'm so thankful for her encouragement.

Then Jordan was born!  An answer to prayer!  Kelsey and Alexa came over and Kelsey held him every second she was in my house.  She left quickly when Alexa started coughing.  She was a much bigger germaphobe than I was and I was sad that she left, but I guess I didn't want my baby getting sick. :)

There was the conversation we had about adoption.  She shared with me how she would love to adopt, but they just didn't have a peace for pursuing it at that time.

There was the play date at the park where we stayed longer than our kids wanted to because we were enjoying the conversation.  We had neglected time together and committed that we were going to make sure that we spent more time together.

There was the harsh words we exchanged with each other one day.  It wasn't a fight, but we apologized later that day.  I felt so unsettled that we weren't ok, but of course, by the time we finished talking, we were fine!  At the time, I didn't know that she was probably very stressed about the lump she was about to go to the doctor to find out about.

There was the day she shared about her cancer.  I remember thinking that because it was in her arm, it probably wasn't that big of a deal.  I wish I had been more concerned and supportive.  (There are so many things I wish I had done better during this season).

We had a party for her to give her scarves and earrings to compliment her new hair-do when she shaved her head because of the chemo.  I was so nervous to see her but I can very clearly remember how beautiful she looked.  She embraced that season with so much bravado and I was so proud of her.

There were the many conversations we had about her cancer.  I asked a lot of questions because I wanted to know how to pray.  As the cancer progressed, it was clearly more serious, but she was always fighting.  She always had things she was doing to fight the cancer.  It never occurred to me that she wouldn't beat it.  I prayed and prayed and tried to find ways to encourage her.

There were the many days that I didn't know what to say.  I would text her a verse or write her a card, but I felt at a complete loss.

There was the playdate right after our third failed adoption when I was absolutely despondent.  I felt bad for dumping it all on Kelsey, but she asked!  In the midst of her own extremely hard time, she encouraged me.  She encouraged me by being real.  She told me that she sometimes felt angry.  That she asked God "why".  That she was afraid of the future.  And yet, she was clinging to her faith and reminding me to do the same.  If we compared suffering on a scale, hers was much greater, but she didn't care.  She saw a friend who was hurting and was such a blessing to me that day by letting me know that the feelings of hopelessness and grief I was experiencing were normal!

There was the celebration of finding out I was pregnant!

Then the phone call after she got the news from her doctor that there was nothing medically that could be done.  We talked for 30 minutes about prayer and she told me that this was not a last-ditch thing.  Prayer is what God called us to do and through the "Praying for Kelsey" page on facebook, I went to battle for my friend in the middle of the night many nights for three months.  I got up at 2 am on the nights that I was able to and spent an hour pouring through Scripture and praying through them.  I begged God for my friend's life.  I pleaded with him to comfort and bless her and her family.  I cried a lot and I experienced God's presence in very special ways. 

There was the day that I went to drop off a gift for her.  I texted Kelsey and didn't want to bother her so I was just going to leave it on her porch.  She asked me to stay and her mom took Jordan outside to play so we could sit together.  She was in so much pain but still so feisty.  She told me that she expected to be invited to Marcus' shower (we didn't know he was a boy yet!).  I found out he was a boy two days later and texted her and she was so excited to hear that and reminded me again that she wanted to come to his shower.

Finally, there was the hospital.  I went to see her and was so blessed by her.  I went a few days later with our girl's group and we prayed and sang with her.  It was a pretty rushed time because they had to do a procedure in the middle of it.  When we went in to say goodbye, she asked us to sing some more.  Our friend Angie sang "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" to her and we all listened and watched.  It was one of those moments I will never, ever forget.  I wanted to close my eyes because the reality of what was happening was too much.  But I couldn't because I wanted to soak that moment in.  Angie sang and Kelsey sang.  I couldn't hear her because she was so weak but her eyes were closed and she was worshipping.  I stood there with tears streaming down my face, taking it in.  It was beautiful and horrible at the same time.  The memory of her determination to worship despite the circumstances will always be an encouragement to me.

Then the last time I saw her.  Another time of singing and praying.  And when I left her room,  I kissed her on the cheek and told her I loved her.  She told me she loved me and I knew that I would never see her again in this life.  It was strangely peaceful.

She died a few days later and grief has come and gone.  There are times that I want to pick up the phone and call her and realize I can't.  I've come across several hand-written cards that started the tears flowing. 

In between all of those moments with Kelsey that stand out are countless hugs at church, times of hanging out, phone calls, texts, notes, and other great memories.  She was such a wonderful, faithful, and loyal friend.  She was one of a kind.  We could be crying together one moment and laughing hysterically at something another moment later. 

And the crazy thing is, there are so many friends who have the same experience with her.  Kelsey had a way of investing in people and making them think that they were the most important person in the world.  I know of many people who she reached out to because she heard they had had a miscarriage or were going through sometime she had experienced.  I don't know how she managed all of her friendships but she was loyal to every single one of them.  She was the best.

The investment she made in me will last a lifetime. I've learned so much from the conversations we had, but also in the way she lived.  I learned about the ways that I failed as a friend and also that I can always start new and do better the next time.  God gave Kelsey as a gift for so many people and I am thankful to be on of those who got to enjoy her while she was here.

A Place to Call Home...

It's hard to believe we have lived in this house for four years.  When we moved here, we felt so silly living in such a big house.  We were in the adoption process, but it was just the two of us at that point.  We had only been back from Africa for a year and were living in a one bedroom apartment.  We really didn't have a lot of things.  In fact, we had some funny-looking empty spaces throughout this home.  But God had given us the opportunity to live here for very low rent (we weren't aware of how low at the time!) and we were excited to move here, especially since we hoped to bring home a baby or two into this home.

We love this house.  We have some wonderful memories.  We brought home two little boys and all they know is this home.  We've walked hundreds of miles around this neighborhood.  Jordan can tell you the way home from any point on our walks.  We've laughed at our "hippie" neighbors and seen four classes of OU students move in and move out.  We've had snow, tornadoes, and torrential rain come through and we've watched it all through the big windows in the front of the house.  Jordan took his first steps in this living room.  Marcus is crawling all over this house like it's his domain.  It's been a blast.

But all the while, we knew that this was not our permanent home.  We knew the day would come that we had to leave and June 26, 2015 is that day.  We are sad, but very excited about our next stop.  I married a man who longs to live overseas, so every stop is temporary.  But he married a girl who loves to be home, so every stop we make becomes our home.  Our world map shower curtain goes up and I decorate.  We're bringing our belongings and making a new house our new home.  And the way it's happened has been incredible.

We've known that mid-July is when we need to be out of this home, but I decided that May or June would be better since my parents are coming to Norman in July and we will be moving them in.  Plus, my sister is getting married and it would be nice to be settled during all of the crazy that will be happening those two months!  So, we put the word out and started looking.  We called a man who owns several homes in town and has a great reputation and he told us to call back in two weeks (this was in the beginning of April).

Thirteen days later, something came out of nowhere.  A precious family from our church contacted us to let us know they would have a home available and if everything worked out, they would let us live there for $50 cheaper than we live here.  We never saw the home, other than on the outside.  They had some details to work out before we knew for sure.  We waited two weeks and then God closed the door.  We weren't upset with this family because things happen and clearly God wanted us to live somewhere else, but it was hard.  It was such a great situation...a fenced yard and three bedrooms.  Anyone who rents in Norman knows that those two things = very expensive!

This is when things got tough.  I started to worry.  What if God wants us to live in a two-bedroom apartment?  Why would he make us think that we could live in a three-bedroom house and then take that away?  What if I'm not content enough and God wants to teach me to be more grateful? Etc.  So many battles in my mind about God's goodness and his willingness to provide.  I was forced to confront what I believed about God and where my heart truly was.  True, space is better when you have two little boys, but can I be happy with God's provision, no matter what that was?  Can I content myself with down-sizing and getting rid of some of our stuff?  What if God wants to put us somewhere to share His love with a neighbor who needed us to be there? 

Every five minutes was a new thought and a new truth to consider.  My heart was exposed.  It wasn't all horrible.  There were times that I would see a listing online and imagine us living there and get excited about it.  I tried to look for the good in every place and God kept closing doors.  A two-bedroom duplex with a backyard? It seemed to work ok, but I just didn't have a peace about it, especially because the yard was disconnected from the home.  A two-bedroom condo in a neighborhood we love? The balcony was too dangerous for Jordan.  We saw places and just could not find the right one.

Then, God did it.  He has provided in a way that we NEVER saw coming.  And once again, He has used His people to love on us and bless us.  A gal from our church messaged me on Monday and said that they wanted to offer their rental to us at a discounted price.  (I had seen this house on facebook and didn't even look because I knew it was out of our price range).  I messaged her back and told her our budget and thank her for thinking of us.  Then she shocked me by saying that they knew that our budget was low and wanted to bless us with this house...in a great neighborhood, with a fenced yard, three bedrooms, a storm shelter...and a pool!  WHAT???  Their generosity just blows me away.  It is such a testimony of their faith in the Lord to sacrifice profit so that we can have a home that is not only comfortable, but beautiful.

We saw the house on Sunday and loved it.  My mind is spinning with how to decorate and how much Jordan & Marcus are going to love it. 

To be honest, my first reaction was to say no.  It's too much.  We do not deserve to live in a home like this and it feels weird to enjoy things like a pool when we struggle so much financially.  But we asked and God provided.  He laid it on this couple's heart to be a blessing and it would be wrong for us to refuse what He is choosing to bless us with.  So we move in June 26th.

In light of the grace God has shown us, we have made two commitments about this home:

1. We will ENJOY living there!  We're going to swim all summer.  We're going to play in the yard.  We're going to decorate it and go for walks and make lots of memories.  We're going to have Thanksgiving dinner and put up Christmas lights.  God gives good gifts and this is a really good one!

2. We will use it to bless others.  We will have people over to swim and play with us.  We will invite people to use the storm shelter with us.  We will invite our neighbors and our friends who need to know about Jesus.  This home is now just for us to enjoy, but for us to open the door and allow others to enjoy with us.

We are so blessed and so thankful for our next adventure!

Life Verse

Many years ago, some friends had a family Bible that they asked us to sign.  It was a super neat idea.  Everyone would write their names next to their "life verse".  I had several friends who had a life verse.  They all sounded really great and spiritual and I felt the pressure to find mine.  I don't remember what I picked.  Clearly, it made an impact on my life!  I'm sure it was something about persevering or running a good race or something from Ephesians 1.  I wanted my life verse to reflect my level of spirituality.  I wanted it to define me. 

Well, God has given me a life verse.  It's a verse that we teach our children.  It's a simple verse. I remember singing it as a child to a cute little tune (actually, the tune haunts me when I don't want to dwell on this verse!).  God has given this verse to me more than any other verse in His word. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

It's pretty simple.  I don't know anything.  God knows everything.  All I have to do is acknowledge Him and trust Him.  He will lead me to where I need to go.

And yet, when Satan attacks me with those fiery darts, I turn to my self-pity and my worry.  I turn to my desire to control my life.  And all it does is leave me anxious and doubting God who has proven to me over and over again that He is my provider.

When I desperately wanted a baby and it just wouldn't happen.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

God led us down a winding path, through times of waiting, past closed doors, through all the paperwork, to one adoption agency, to another adoption agency, and eventually to Jordan.

When we needed $5,000 to be able to finalize Jordan's adoption.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

God gave us the perfect amount from two different places within days.

When we found out two days later that we needed another $5,000 to finalize.  So discouraging!  We didn't think there was any way that God could do it again.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

I ended up sobbing in the frozen section at Homeland because I received a call that someone had walked in and paid our entire bill.

When we had to leave Baby Jake at the hospital with his birthmom.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

We got to be a part of an amazing story and we had the opportunity to shower Baby Jake and his family with love by giving everything we had been given to them.

When we had two more losses.  Two sweet baby girls we didn't get to bring home.  I thought it was hopeless.  I didn't understand.  I was terrified to risk my heart again but I desperately wanted another child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

Less than two weeks later, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test.  And God had blessed us with Marcus.

And here I am again.  At a point where I am tired and frustrated with a situation.  All we've done is wait.  And all I want to do is take matters into my own hand.  We are looking at what we thought was an answer to prayer and praying that it will be the answer we desire.  And yet, there is a chance that we will have to move on and wait some more for God to provide.  And I wonder, can He do it again?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path."

You would think I would learn my lesson!  And in the waiting, I am fighting to take my thoughts captive and dwell on the truth that God has hammered into my heart over and over and over.  And by the looks of it, this will be a life-long lesson.